Trump Is Paranoid Vance And Bondi Are Leaking His Rape Allegations To Ruin Him
This week's Dadaist graffiti news headlines!
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White House insiders say Trump is extremely paranoid and accusing JD Vance and Pam Bondi of conspiring against him by releasing the Epstein Files that involve his rape accusations, and he’s vowing to destroy Vance’s presidency if he’s forced out.
Stephen Miller reportedly sent Markwayne Mullin, the brand new DHS Secretary Trump just picked to replace Kristi Noem, a box full of dead rats and cockroaches as a warning and threat that he’s the one really in charge of all immigration policy.
Iranian officials have reportedly told the White House they’d prefer to negotiate a ceasefire with JD Vance instead of Trump considering Trump’s Epstein File rape accusations are leaking out, and Iran’s stockpile of drones will likely last longer than his presidency.
BREAKING NEWS: Iranian clerics just announced a fatwa against Trump’s ballroom.
JD Vance is reportedly worrying liberals might be right about Trump being owned by Putin after sitting in on several briefings about Russia giving Iran intelligence on US targets to bomb, and watching Trump refuse to say or do anything about it, even as the extra death and destruction is making his unpopular war of choice even more rejected by public opinion.
Kristi Noem said today “she can’t believe” Trump would fire her in a social media post, and not call her first.
Every time Trump calls the Iranian government to negotiate a ceasefire because the US is using up all its extremely expensive missiles on Iran’s very cheap drones, the Iranians put the phone next to a computer speaker playing the Melania documentary until he hangs up.
A new poll found that 81% of Americans believe Pam Bondi will be going to both prison and hell.
Trump is calling for Iran’s unconditional surrender, and he’s claiming the terms will be “way better if Iran surrenders now before American allies’ stockpile of defensive missiles run out.”
Markwayne Mullin has reportedly just gotten a face lift, lip filler, and his buccal fat removed in preparation for his new job.
A man in Vermont has reportedly earned $3.6 million over the last two years betting on all the prediction markets that J6 insurrectionists pardoned by Donald Trump would get sentenced back to prison for domestic violence and possession of child porn.
Corey Lewandowski reportedly just sent several dick pics to new DHS Secretary Markwayne Mullin in the hopes that he’ll be allowed to keep his “special government employee” job and access to the DHS private jet.
Kash Patel reportedly wants to purge dozens more FBI agents who are extremely knowledgeable about Ecuador, Panama, Greenland and Nigeria, but, because Trump is so erratic and impulsive and doesn’t give any warning about which country he’ll do regime change in next, Patel is paralyzed with fear he’ll fuck up and fire more people with indispensable expertise.
Local MAGA fans say their brains “feel scrambled” because Russia is straight up giving Iran intelligence about American targets to bomb, but also Trump and Vance hate Ukraine and won’t say anything to criticize Putin, but also now the US is desperate for Ukrainian drone technology to prevent cheap Iranian drones from wasting all our super expensive missiles, but Trump is also blaming Zelensky for low defense munition stockpiles even though Trump has repeatedly screwed Ukraine over and cut off US funding, and say, “I wish Fox News would just tell us what to think, but even they seem to be befuddled!”
Markwayne Mullin, during his inspection of the DHS plane, reportedly just found a naked Corey Lewandowski in the bed of the private bedroom, and Corey whispered to him, “I’ll keep all your blankets safe.”
NOT SATIRE: Any Democrat who votes for Trump’s Iran war via either some form of Congressional authorization or some new massive military funding bill is committing political suicide. This is gonna be a worse vote than the vote for Iraq, which continues to haunt Democrats to this day.
Iran’s “Operation Wile E. Coyote” just set a record as the most disproportionately costly bombing in US history as American and Israeli bombers wasted hundreds of millions of dollars bombing paintings of jets.
The Gulf States are reportedly threatening to withdraw all their money from Trump’s crypto coin and ruin him financially if he doesn’t stop the war before Iran bombs their desalination plants.
Glenn Beck’s “AI George Washington” reportedly keeps threatening to choke Donald Trump with his bare hands, and says he can recognize a syphilitic when he sees one.
Doctors say Trump’s penis wouldn’t be so infamously deformed if he hadn’t tried to rape so many people and been bit so many times, “He has only himself to blame for his frighteningly mangled impotence.”
Local MAGA fans admit they’re struggling to wrap their heads around how Trump needs help from Ukraine, a country he hates, to destroy drones from Iran, a country he ripped up a peace deal with, guided by intelligence from Russia, a country he loves, in a war started by Israel, a country with obvious blackmail over him.
Joe Biden, eating an ice cream cone and wearing aviator sunglasses in his Corvette, says this war never would have happened if he was president.
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He wouldn't have to worry about rape allegations being leaked if he would not have raped young girls.
“I’ll keep all your blankets safe” (and the sent dick pics) had me convulsing with laughter. Thank you! 👍🙏🤣🤣🤣🤣