Tucker, Elon, And Donald All Had A Very Karmic Week
Getting what you deserve is the moral of this week’s Dada news headlines!
Mike Pence says Donald Trump has been mailing him crucifix statues of Jesus with his head cut off every day since he testified for the DOJ about Trump’s election fraud.
Donald Trump has reportedly been depressed and mopey around Mar-a-Lago, and has told friends and advisers that his daughter Ivanka flipped on him for immunity.
Texas Governor Greg Abbott just accidentally admitted on a hot mic that the state’s loose gun laws are designed to get enough Texans killed for the energy grid to stop collapsing in winter.
Fox News is now airing PSA’s for its viewers asking them not to grab their gun every time the doorbell rings or a car pulls briefly into their driveway.
Josh Hawley claims in his new book “Manhood” that thousands of men are “overdosing on masturbation” every year.
Donald Trump accidentally flew to NYC and walked into the Manhattan DA’s office this morning when his criminal investigation proceedings were supposed to be with the Fulton County DA in Georgia. Trump said he had too many criminal investigations to keep track of.
Twitter employees are privately saying Elon Musk is losing his mind spending 19 hours a day reading and responding to thousands of complimentary tweets from verified users with only 3 followers.
Donald Trump says he’ll only participate in GOP primary debates if he gets a big, gold-colored throne chair to sit in at the middle of the stage, and Ron DeSantis gets a podium placed at the end of the line.
Mike Pence has reportedly begun to suspect that Donald Trump has not been faithful to Melania.
Tucker Carlson, with bloodshot eyes and a week-old beard, claims he was canceled and censored by a Deep State cabal made up of George Soros, Dr. Fauci, and the Green M&M.
Mike Pence reportedly told DOJ investigators that Donald Trump made the Secret Service steal his family’s Bible, and Trump tore out all the pages and ripped them to shreds in front of him to try and intimidate him into decertifying the 2020 election results.
Donald Trump is now suing several historians who have ranked the presidents and placed him near the very bottom.
Ron DeSantis vows that he’ll destroy any Republican who calls him unlikeable.
Hate crimes have plummeted 30% since last week after Tucker Carlson was fired from Fox News.
Tucker Carlson was just seen on a park bench yelling at all the brown people walking by.
Disney World is now selling chocolate pudding cups with spoons that look like three fingers.
Donald Trump claims he only cheated on his wives with porn stars to spread the Gospel to the women who needed it the most.
Evangelical Christians are increasingly getting angry with God for letting these Trump indictments and investigations get so far.
A lawyer at Fox News says Tucker Carlson’s office collection of Nazi memorabilia “dwarfs Harlan Crow’s collection.”
All 99 other senators are unianmious in hoping Ted Cruz gets busted for election fraud and is forced to leave the Senate.
Tucker Carlson reportedly got fired after the janitors went through his office with a blacklight.
The Ku Klux Klan is offering free agent Tucker Carlson a $5 million signing bonus plus 10% of net national profits.
Disney says that because Ron DeSantis got married at Disney World, they can annul his marriage.
Donald Trump is furious that his lawyers are so expensive, but his lawyers say they wouldn’t have to meet with him two at a time if he’d just stop lying so much about everything.
The candy company M&Ms just broadcast a TV commercial on Fox News featuring the female green M&M calling Tucker Carlson an “unappealing, unattractive, unemployed loser.”
Donald Trump’s tax returns this year listed Lindsey Graham as a dependent.
Donald Trump just interrupted a wedding at Mar-a-Lago to claim he hasn’t been threatening prosecutors, and that no one loves black district attorneys more than him.
Tucker Carlson says he’s happy he can now devote 100% of his time to perfecting his testicle-tanning machines.
A growing trend among conservatives is to put a few drops of gasoline in their beers to own the libs and stick it to climate change activists.
Texas Governor Greg Abbott had a gun pulled on him today in a grocery store because his wheelchair accidentally nudged a man’s shopping cart.
The DOJ reportedly now has in its possession 73 burner phones used at one time or another by Rudy Giuliani.
Tucker Carlson says that if the next James Bond is a played by a trans woman or a lesbian he will 100% literally kill himself.
Tucker Carlson is going on a vacation to Sudan to see his bucket list libertarian paradise.
Jack Smith just announced that the window for all of Donald Trump’s co-conspirators to turn state’s witness in exchange for more lenient sentencing has closed, and every co-conspirator who did not assist in the investigation should probably not make any summer plans.
Kevin McCarthy accidentally said on a hot mic that it’s not worthwhile putting together a GOP budget plan because suburban women are so horrified by Republican policies on abortion, guns, and democracy that there is no hope in keeping the House or taking the presidency.
Thanks for your eyeballs!
—Dash MacIntyre
Follow me on Twitter at @HalfwayPost to interrupt your daily doomscrolling with Dada news, and follow me on Medium to keep up with my daily writing studio.
The Governor of Texas received a letter. He was asked a question: - Do you need water? The secretariat replied - I need it. Texas got water. And all these politicians are drug addicts.
Now everyone needs to think - how not to die from the heat.