25 Donald Trump Jokes Written By A Precocious 1st Grader

The Halfway Post’s newest staff writer is a six-year-old named Claire who gets the tone THP is going for more than most adults.

Photo by Zahra Amiri on Unsplash

1. Why did Trump wear a toupee? Because he was bald and orange!

2. Why did Donald Trump always have a scowl on his face? Because he was constipated from eating too many Big Macs!

3. Why does Donald Trump always deny being in love with Ivanka? Because incest is still illegal in most states.

4. What does Donald Trump use for birth control? His face.

5. Why was Donald Trump’s inauguration the shortest in history? Because no one showed up.

6. Why was Donald Trump’s face red? Because he was embarrassed to be seen with his own hair.

7. Why did Donald Trump get a DNA test? To see if he’s a human or a pile of garbage.

8. Why does Donald Trump always wear a suit? So he can look like a professional con artist.

9. Why was Donald Trump banned from Twitter? Because his fake news smelled worse than his dirty diapers!

10. Why did Donald Trump’s advisors give him a mirror? So he could at least try to see how stupid he looks.

11. How do you know if Donald Trump has been in your fridge? Because everything is gone, and there’s a small piece of crap on the door handle.

12. Why does Donald Trump always wear a red tie? Because it hides the ketchup stains from his Big Mac.

13. Did you hear about the new Trump fragrance? It’s called Eau de Covfefe.

14. Why does Donald Trump always wear a tie? So he can have something to hang himself with when he finally goes bankrupt.

15. Why was Donald Trump’s presidency like a roller coaster? Because it was full of ups and downs, twists and turns, and plenty of vomit.

16. Why was Donald Trump’s presidency like a toilet? Because it was full of crap.

17. Why did Donald Trump always talk about Eric in a negative light? Because he was jealous of his son’s full head of hair!

18. What’s the difference between Donald Trump and a creepy old man? A creepy old man doesn’t stare at his daughter like she’s a piece of meat.

19. Why did Donald Trump’s hair catch on fire? He was too busy staring at Ivanka to notice the iron.

20. Why did Donald Trump start a trade war with China? He was jealous of all the trademarks the Chinese were giving Ivanka.

21. Why did Donald Trump always roll his eyes whenever Eric spoke? Because he was annoyed by the sound of his own genes!

22. Why was the Trump family always a laughing stock? Because they were a bunch of buffoons who didn’t know how to behave like normal human beings!

23. What’s the new Trump hair salon? It’s called “The Comb-Over.”

24. Why did Donald Trump get impeached? Because he was a bad orange!

25. What’s the difference between Donald Trump and a raccoon? One’s a trash-picking, disease-spreading nuisance, and the other is a raccoon. 🥃

---

I intend to be the most relentless satirist of Donald Trump, Elon Musk, and the MAGA movement on the Internet, so if you like my comedy here’s a 50% discount on paid subscriptions to help support me, for just $2.50 a month, tirelessly mock Trump’s fascism with comedy.

---

☕ Enjoy my comedy and political commentary? Buy me a coffee!

But first subscribe to my free Substack The Halfway Café to get my work delivered right to your inbox. In this second Trump Era of surrealist governance, nothing is more important than comedy, so consider becoming a paid member to help support me tirelessly mocking Trump and his MAGA movement.

Because our social media platforms are being scrambled up by oligarchs, if you like my comedy, diversify where you follow me so you never miss my jokes to interrupt your doomscrolling: Twitter, Bluesky, Threads, Facebook, Instagram, Spoutible, Medium, and Substack.

If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published the book for you: “Satire In The Trump Years: The Best Of The Halfway Post,” available on Barnes & Noble and Amazon. I’ve also published three existentialist poetry books for Millennials, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, and Hotel Golden Hours available in print and on Kindle.

Browse my comedy portfolio, my Dada News portfolio, and my poetry portfolio.