5 Political Sunday Thoughts From A Satirist

A recap of the weekend's doomscrolling.

Photo by Jed Villejo on Unsplash

#1 Florida’s climate denialism was fucking dumb, wasn’t it?

Man, Hurricane Helene wrecked the west coast of Florida. Republicans have been recklessly irresponsible with these past decades of militant climate change denialism while their state has slowly and inevitably become uninhabitably unaffordable. What insurance companies are going to insure homes that year after year get pummeled and flooded? Meanwhile, Governor Ron DeSantis is a boy who cried socialism about government spending while his state is becoming the Union’s biggest beggar. How much longer until an exodus? Sorry, Florida, by voting so often for Republicans you’ve fucked yourself, and the rest of the states will have to bail you out, despite how much your elected representatives bitch about handouts going to anyone else.

The counterfactual of history if Florida had voted for global warming prophet Al Gore by a bit higher margin is an interesting thought experiment to imagine how much in carbon emissions the US and the world might have phased out by now. Not enough to avoid having hurricanes, but certainly more than we have. Meanwhile, in the current timeline we are living, the political effects of a Florida exodus are interesting to contemplate. The Congressional (and, eventually in 2030 in the next round of census apportioning, the Electoral College) math could shift in unexpected ways if all of a sudden a fourth or a third of Floridians leave for drier states. Would they leave a bunch of panhandle conservatives who keep Florida bright red for a generation or two but force the state to give up several valuable electoral votes’ worth of liberals to the Sunbelt states of Georgia, North Carolina, and Arizona? If you have any predictions I’d enjoy reading them in the comments.

#2 Donald Trump is obviously doing treasonous foreign policy meddling in these meetings he’s having with foreign leaders at Trump Tower and Mar-a-Lago.

Everyone knows he’s trying to collude again. Kamala has a consistent edge in the Rust Belt state polls that get her to 270 and Democratic senators are consistently outpolling their Republicans opponents in the presidential swing states, and Trump knows he’s fucked in court if he can’t win presidential immunity and cancel his own trials. Excuse me for my possible naivety, but isn’t there at least a little Deep State? Virtually everything Trump has done in his entire life is corrupt and self-serving, and he’s meeting with a bunch of foreign leaders who don’t give a shit about America’s national interests when he’s not the sitting president, and he’s got a long record of suspicion around the plausible $10 million Egyptian bailout, his son-in-law’s preposterous $2 billion gift from the Saudis, his public requests for Russia to hack his opponent’s emails, his endless grifting bribe-soliciting with dumb NFTs, gaudy clothing, and gauche merch, and his ceaseless need for liquid cash to pay lawyer fees, court fines, and sex-crime-related lawsuits. There is no conflict of interest Donald Trump does not have a broke bitch lizard brain focus on pursuing. Isn’t Deep State surveillance a little important for national security and sovereignty when the president is having secret talks in the resort Trump got caught stealing and hiding classified documents in? Surely there’s enough evidence for warrants for finding out what he’s offering Benjamin Netanyahu and the Sunni Gulf monarchies in exchange for campaign collusion or indirect cash payments through his hotels, golf courses, or merch. Meanwhile, Trump had an obligatory meeting with Zelenskyy and Donald Trump’s thoughts on their conversation were predictably worthless and utterly unserious:

#3 Former Republican Representative Joe Walsh is great on Twitter.

That’s right, Joe Walsh, the infamously radical right House Tea Party zealot who has since apologized for helping raise the partisan heat in our politics and burned his Republican career calling out Donald Trump tirelessly for being a traitor to democracy with his elections lies and insurrection attempt. Now, when not actively advocating for Kamala Harris on podcasts, he tweets things like this:

I endorse Joe Walsh for your Twitter follow list.

#4 Don’t blame schools or public education for your lack of curiosity or perspective.

This is a big pet peeve of mine to hear people say. As a student who preferred to read the history books in class instead of snoozing along with the teachers’ skim powerpoints, I remember America’s darker crimes and controversies being discussed in all of them, and I specifically remember sections on the Tulsa bombing, the Black Codes, Japanese internment, our colony in the Philippines, the Trail of Tears, Wounded Knee, etc., etc. Your ignorance is not a government manipulated conspiracy to keep you blind of societal inequality, you just didn’t do the assigned reading in your history classes, and you apparently haven’t read a history book since high school. To be honest, that’s a little cringe. The greatest history book in human history, Wikipedia, is freely available 24/7 if you want to make up for lost learning time. I love Wikipedia, and often go down rabbit holes for an hour or more reading up on people or events or ideas I realize I don’t know much about, and I donate $3 every time they ask. Everyone should read more Wikipedia. I’ll even get you started! Here’s an interesting article for you to get started!

#5 Fox News sucks so hard.

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