A Billionaire Built Trump A Retirement Home Replicating The White House
Trump can live in it for free until his federal trials lock him up, under the condition he not attempt any other insurrection coups.
Billionaire David Cubano just announced he is funding the creation of a special “MAGA themed” retirement home just for Donald Trump.
The retirement home will include an exact replica of Donald Trump’s Oval Office so he can think he’s still the president, and spend his sundowning years blissfully ignorant that he lost another election.
“I want everything to be authentic so Trump is comfortable,” Cubano said, “I want him to be able to wake up every morning and head to the fake Oval Office to watch his ‘Executive Hours’ of Fox News content. The TVs will just repeat a best-of montage of real Fox content from the years 2017–2020 in which Fox hosts praise him, and his desk will even have a big red button that lets him think he’s nuking North Korea, or Nancy Pelosi, or every windmill in America. I’ve thought of everything Trump would want so he finally just retires into obscurity and leaves us and our democracy alone. All the nurses will all be blonde and give off a subliminal ‘Ivanka vibe.’ All the employees will be white except for one token member of each ethnicity to say things such as, ‘I’m Black, so you can believe me when I say all the Blacks love you, Sir!’ Trump will love it, and finally stop being the most toxic, divisive shitstain in American history that makes our country smell as bad as he does!”
Cubano then revealed a script he will give all the doctors to recite every morning as they give him his pills while wearing military costumes to look like generals so Trump will never even notice it’s a retirement home:
“Sir, you are a genius president, better than Lincoln and Washington combined, and your polls are at 99%. But don’t worry, Stephen Miller has been alerted, and that last 1% will shortly be rounded up and deported, and Mexico will send a fat check to pay for it because you’re such a great negotiator with your big Trump brain. What great genetics you have, Sir. I mean, just look at your hair. You have the naturally blonde hair of a 15-year-old Abercrombie model. You have totally turned this country around. No one believed you could be so successful, Sir, but everyone’s talking about it. Everyone is finally tired of all your winning. They’re shouting out, ‘No, Mr. Trump, we can’t take it, please stop! We can’t handle one more single victory!’ You would not believe it, but the crowd outside your window right now is bigger than any crowd in history. Way bigger than Obama’s crowds. They never came to crowd all around his White House. You have more people than all the presidents combined. The most incredible rallies of all time. No one can believe it! And they’re so excited for the next amazing deals you’re going to negotiate for them these next four years. Everyone’s eagerly begging to see your incredible Obamacare replacement plan, your infrastructure plan, your Iran nuclear deal, and your North Korean nuclear deal. But don’t worry too hard right now, Sir, I told them it was coming in two weeks. You don’t have to worry your big Trump brain about that stuff. I’m sure you’ll come up with something before those two weeks. Healthcare, and infrastructure, and Iran, and North Korea are so easy. No one knows more about those topics than Donald Trump! On day one you will make so many great deals, won’t you? Because you’re better than Lincoln, Washington, Jefferson, and Roosevelt combined. They should remove those losers from Mt. Rushmore and put your face up there four times. You could have made a deal to stop the Civil War, and everyone would have loved it. You could have solved WWII so fast, and Hitler would have written you such beautiful letters like Kim Jong Un. Here, Mr. President, here’s your Diet Coke. Don’t worry, I opened it myself. I didn’t let Melania get near it. I know how you’ve caught her pouring mystery powders into the Diet Cokes she brings you, so I made sure to open this myself. If you want, I’ll have Eric come up and taste it first, do a little poison check. Yeah, isn’t that nice? You love your Diet Cokes, don’t you? Don’t you feel better after your Diet Coke? Trump and Diet Coke are a great combo aren’t they? One of the best combos of all time. You won your election against Kamala Harris so easily. You won all 538 Electoral Votes. They said you couldn’t do it, but they’re all idiots and losers. And Rudy Giuliani and Mike Lindell finally revealed their evidence of voter fraud, and found that Democrats rigged all their votes. It turns out Democrats didn’t get a single vote after all, it was a unanimous victory for you! So you actually won 2016, 2020, and 2024. You’ve won three elections. No other president has done that except for FDR, but his legs didn’t work. Unlike you, who’s the healthiest, most in shape president we’ve ever had. More than Lincoln and Washington combined. You’re the winningest president ever. Oh, and another thing, Mr. President, remember how Georgia went for Biden in 2020? Well it turns out that after our insurrectionists in Georgia hanged Brian Kemp for not certifying the right electoral votes, they found the 11,780 votes you needed to win in 2020, so retroactively you’ve been awarded those electoral votes, along with all the other blue states because they were all caught cheating after your people hanged the governors. You actually won landslides in all three elections just like you said. You’re just the greatest president America has ever had, Sir.”
And then, while Trump is good and distracted, the doctor will give him several tranquilizer shots that keep him from ever again calling into Fox News and trying to overturn our democracy. 🥃
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And a large supply of saline eyedrops to simulate tears in the eyes of the "generals"
He already is giving dinner theatre press conferences on stage with a dining room set made up like White House press room. The script they want to use to fool Trump after he loses is exactly how it was when he was in the real White House.