A Call Between Trump And The Saudis Leaked, In It He Begs Them To Buy His NFT Trading Cards
A source at Mar-a-Lago just leaked a recording he or she secretly made of Donald Trump calling an unknown government official named Abdullah from Saudi Arabia the day before his NFT trading cards went on sale.
Trump made the phone call in the middle of the buffet restaurant at Mar-a-Lago between repeat trips to load up his plate with fried chicken, which made secretly recording the conversation very easy.
The following is Trump’s side of the call:
“Hi, Abdullah. Donald Trump here. Just calling to let you know the NFT deal we discussed is all ready to go, and we’ll reveal all the NFTs tomorrow. I think you, and Muhammed bin Salman, and everyone else are all going to be very impressed by these NFTs. Everyone around the world is going to be talking about them. This is the deal of the century. You’re not going to believe how great my NFTs are… No, the depictions of me as Jesus lying on big piles of cash and jewels were an earlier idea we had, but we went with the superhero idea instead… Yeah, a lot of people don’t know this, but apparently Jesus was like homeless or something, and he didn’t like rich people… Yeah, the Christians take Jesus pretty seriously. But these superhero cards are even better. They’re the best presidential cards of all time. I’d say they’re even better than the cards Lincoln and Washington had. You’re really going to love them. … Oh, there are so many for you and Muhammed bin Salman to choose from. They basically represent me and all the amazing things I’ve done throughout my life. So there are cards of me being president, an astronaut, Indiana Jones, an Air Force jet pilot, a sheriff, a boxer, and all that… No, I didn’t really do all of that stuff, but I could have. I would have been the best boxer or astronaut of all time. … So they go on sale tomorrow, and they’re all $99 each… But be fast, because I’m sure they’ll sell out real quick. Even the evil Democrats will be wanting to buy these because they’re such a fool-proof investment. I should have thought of NFTs a long time ago. … Trust me, everyone in America knows that when I license the Trump name to a third-party product or service, it’s going to be extremely great quality and never go bankrupt! My brand is kind of a bankable commodity here in America because I never let business partners or investors down. … That’s the thing, though, all those lawsuits are just me doing good business. It’s way cheaper to not pay any fees, bills, and taxes and just slow down the deadlines in court for years, and get them to finally just settle at a much lower price than the original price I signed my name to at the beginning. It’s my greatest dealmaking talent. … No, it’s not immoral or unmanly, it’s good business! I can’t believe no one else has thought about just never paying any of their bills or taxes again. It’s so easy not paying! … Trust me, everyone here knows that the Trump brand is the safest luxury brand in the entire world. … Trump Steaks don’t count because they didn’t sell them right! I told them a million times Trump Steaks had to be pre-cooked well done and have ketchup freeze-dried on them to be a real Trump Steak. But what did they do? Sell them uncooked with no freeze-dried ketchup! We needed the ketchup to mask the fact that they were low-quality meat. So that’s not my fault! … Trump University doesn’t count either! No one knew universities could be so complicated, and have so many regulations! … Well, no one told me! … It wasn’t even fraud. That’s fake news! I was very clear within the contract I had my lawyers write up that I’d only ever personally teach a course there or ever visit the campus if I felt they had enrolled hotties who liked to party — at least 9s out of 10. The whole idea was to have a girls gone wild spring break kind of vibe at Trump University, but apparently the dumb government says accredited universities have to actually teach classes. But the administrations I hired turned out to be total morons who didn’t know anything about attracting a sexy student body. The only women they enrolled were well past middle-aged. They said old people were easier to trick into signing the predatory loans, but it was awful for my brand. I hid out in the bathrooms for an entire week and I never saw a woman younger than 45. So getting involved with the school stuff ended up being a big waste of my time. … The bankruptcy and fraud settlement weren’t my fault either! … Stop listing all the companies that went bankrupt! … It’s an NFT, of course the value is going to go up. The value of crypto only goes up! … I have no idea what ‘NFT’ stands for, but, trust me, it’s the deal of the century. … Where is this coming from? A deal is a deal, and you have to buy all these NFTs tomorrow. Remember all those nuclear secrets I gave you? … You and I both know Saudi Arabia owes me. … And pay fast. These federal investigation are killing me, and none of my lawyers do anything until I pay a full year of their retention salary up front in cash. It’s like they don’t trust me to pay them! … You also owe me for all the military support I gave you for Yemen, helping with the palace coup that gave Mohammed control, the blockade of Qatar, ignoring the murder of that journalist, all the secret stuff I let Jared Kushner do. Aren’t you and Mohammed always complaining how the Democrats care so much about human rights? … See? You need me just as much as I need you to buy thousands of digital pictures of me looking like Superman with a big T on my chest. Trust me, you’re not going to regret these trading cards. They’re going to be a big hit. And, you know, it’s a pump and dump so just, you know, don’t wait too long to sell them. Well, gotta go, Ivanka just walked by dressed in a sundress, and if I go upstairs to the balcony right now I might be able to see down her dress as she walks across the patio!”
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