A newly submitted document from Special Counsel Jack Smith’s investigation into Donald Trump’s mishandling of classified documents revealed some surprising details of what was found at Mar-a-Lago during the FBI’s search and seizure of evidence last year:
Thousands of pages of the US military’s various war plans and deployment strategies kept in old, greasy, used KFC fried chicken buckets
Big boxes labeled “blackmail on Kevin McCarthy,” “Lindsey Graham’s dirty emails,” “pictures and payments found on Matt Gaetz’s cell phone,” “hidden discovery documents from Jim Jordan’s wrestling doctor lawsuits,” “videotape of Ted Cruz naked doing degrading things for a 2020 endorsement,” and “proof that Josh Hawley watches pornography on his Senate computer all day during his office hours”
Rudy Giuliani drunk and passed out on the couch in the lobby with his hand in his pants with empty scotch bottles, half smoked cigars, and letters from the New York Bar Association informing him they’ve revoked his law license littered all around him
A term paper Trump wrote in high school about how genius and clever Hitler’s propaganda strategy was to tell nonstop lies about everyone and everything, and then refer to all the fact-checkers as “fake news” and “enemies of the people,” with a big, red “F” written on it with a note from the teacher to “see me after class”
A copy of the book “The US Government For Dummies” that looked like it was never opened or read from with a post-it note on the cover that said “From Obama, Best of Luck!”
Papers with Sharpie marker outlines of various people’s hands Trump appears to have drawn to compare to the outline of his own hand, which he traced multiple times, including a few that showed him clearly extending the length of his finger tips to pretend they’re bigger than they are in the manner of the way he extended the trajectory of Hurricane Dorian on that map after he accidentally and erroneously said that Alabama was in danger when it wasn’t.
Sixteen blonde-haired wigs
A framed portrait of himself with Vladimir Putin signed by Putin with a note saying “Biggest hands of any president I’ve ever shaken!”
Hundreds of filled out nondisclosure agreements with various women describing hush money payments for sex, for covering up sexual harassment, and for the women to never publicly disclose the tiny mushroom appearance of his penis
A manuscript of a novel much like Lolita, in which the protagonist, an unreliable narrator named “John Barron,” describes his affair with his teenage daughter in the past tense offering admissions to his deviancy while also attempting to rouse sympathy for the debatable ambiguities of his actions
A presidential pardon he secretly filled out and signed for himself in an unopened letter he mailed to himself on January 19th, 2021
Sean Hannity asleep in Trump’s bed wearing Trump’s oversized suits for some reason
A copy of a memo to the other Trump Organization executives promoting his son Eric as the company’s Chief Financial Officer so that he can blame all the company’s egregious financial, tax, and bank fraud on Eric
Elaborate plans to buy an island and declare independence forming a country called Trumpland with no extradition treaty with the US, limits on executive powers for the chief executive, or laws on incest.
An “Enemies List” including thousands of names of people, places, and inanimate objects, with which several pages just have one entry written real big, such as “THE WATER PRESSURE” and “How inconveniently small hairspray cans are,” as well as miscellaneous notes and journal entries to himself like “Military funerals are soooooo boring,” “Ivanka must be on her period because her boobs are bigger today,” and “get new shade of orange foundation for 2024? — new year, new JFK-esque glow”
Elaborate plans to buy a different island he’d rename as “Little St James 2”
Don Jr. and Eric’s middle school and high school yearbooks with all the girls’ pictures that showed a little cleavage circled, above which Trump wrote “Invite to your next birthday party!”
Three elaborately sketched out plans to fake his death, sneak out of Mar-a-Lago wearing women’s clothes, and fly one-way to Moscow, Riyadh, or Pyongyang
Several emergency bottles of ketchup in a glass box that says “In case of an emergency, break glass”
Senator Lindsey Graham locked up inside a dog kennel in the basement for some reason, barking at all the FBI agents and refusing to communicate in English
Thanks for your eyeballs!
—Dash MacIntyre
Follow me on Twitter at @HalfwayPost and Threads to interrupt your daily doomscrolling with Dada news, and follow me on Medium to keep up with my daily writing studio. My new poetry book, Cabaret No Stare, is available now.
I had a feeling he had dirt on Republicans.