A Roast Of Every US President
By Donald Trump
Donald Trump recently read the names of every other US president, and then followed it with an insult:
George Washington — “George was a loser who showed such weakness refusing a third presidential term. He missed the opportunity of a lifetime to make himself King of America!”
John Adams — “John Adams was a bald little freak, and a pussy like Mike Pence for giving up the presidency to Thomas Jefferson after losing the election. Was he too poor to hire lawyers to launch hundreds of lawsuits? Too unpopular to have his followers storm the Capitol? Or were his generals just too scared to declare martial law and give him emergency dictatorial powers like mine were?”
Thomas Jefferson — “Jefferson had no talent for branding. If I were him, I would have named the Louisiana Purchase after myself! I’d have called it the Trumpiana Purchase, and charged every person living there rent for staying in my territory! He could have been rich!”
James Madison — “People always tell me I’d have made a great Founding Father. I’d have written the Constitution much better by giving presidents unlimited immunity!”
James Monroe — “People come up to me all the time and say, ‘Sir, the Trump Doctrine is way better than the Monroe Doctrine.’ They say my plan to pull the US out of NATO and tell our Eastern European allies to go f*ck themselves will make Putin so afraid of invading any more countries after Ukraine.”
John Quincy Adams — “He was a former president’s son who actually accomplished something. Maybe this president wasn’t so bad. I’ve bought several biographies of him as gifts for Don Jr., but he clearly hasn’t read them.”
Andrew Jackson — “If he did the Trail of Tears and gets to be on the $20 bill, I should be on the $100 bill for building the wall!”
Martin Van Buren — “Bald loser! Unlike me, whose hair has been perfect since I was a golden, teenage boy — a golden god!”
William Harrison — “He died from getting sick, so automatic loser. Boy, am I glad I didn’t die from COVID, like I thought I was going to, and all the doctors worried I might. But I didn’t die because my superior Trump genetics won out!”
John Tyler — “I’ve never heard of him so he must be Fake News.
James Polk — “Was the polka dance named after him? Was he gay? You know, the Christians, they really don’t love the gay stuff. How did he even get elected? He didn’t kill Roe V. Wade like I did!”
Zachary Taylor — “He was a general? So what? I’m smarter than all the generals put together! No one’s better at the military than me!”
Millard Fillmore — “This name sounds made up. Fake News!”
Franklin Pierce — “I have no clue who he was. Did he even put his name on a single building? A total nobody.”
James Buchanan — “He couldn’t stop the Civil War from starting. If I had been there, I would have made a great deal that everyone would have loved, and it would have stopped the Civil War in one day. It would have been as good as my North Korean deal, my Iranian nuclear deal, my Obamacare replacement deal, and my infrastructure deal!”
Abraham Lincoln — “He rigged the presidential rankings to make himself the best. It’s worse than the Nobel Prize Committee, who never gave me any Nobel Prizes for economics despite my tremendous business deals with Trump Airlines, Trump Vodka, and Trump University. The historians who put Lincoln at the top are the biggest hoaxers of all time. They called him Honest Abe, but I’m way more honest than Lincoln ever was. He should be taken off Mt. Rushmore, and my face should get chiseled on there instead.”
Andrew Johnson — “He got impeached for real, so he’s a dummy. My impeachments were faked by the evil communist Democrats, so mine don’t count!”
Ulysses Grant — “The generals used to always come up to me, with tears in their eyes, and say, ‘Sir, if only you were the general in the Civil War, we’d have won it way faster thanks to your big Trump brain!’ Grant’s enemies claimed he was a drunk. I don’t drink or take any downers. I take blue uppers up the nose to make America great!”
Rutherford Hayes — “The stock market prices were way higher in my presidency than his.”
James Garfield — “The cat from the comics? America elected a cat president? I bet he was a Democrat. Democrats elect the worst presidents. Like Joseph Stalin and Martin Luther King Jr.! They were the two worst presidents in all of American history.”
Chester Arthur — “I know more about Chester Arthur than anyone. I’m one of the great presidential historians of all time. And my presidency was way better in every way. My deals were way better than his deals to… the one where… you know… was way worse than any of my deals!”
Grover Cleveland — “Was the city named after him? Why don’t I have a city named after me? Washington D.C. should be renamed as Trumpington D.C.! I did much more for America than Washington.”
Benjamin Harrison — “His presidency was a total snoozefest.”
Grover Cleveland — “We had two presidents with the same name? Was this some kind of Deep State hoax and rigged election?”
William McKinley — “I like presidents who don’t get assassinated!”
Theodore Roosevelt — “His daughter Alice was way uglier than Ivanka. I would never have dated Alice. How did people think she was hot? Broads never showed any cleavage back then. He should also be taken off Mt. Rushmore, and replaced with me a second time. I deserve it more than all of them!”
William Taft — “The White House staff moved his bathtub into my bedroom when I got elected, but I got stuck in it. What an idiot for using such a small tub! Was he poor or something, and couldn’t afford a bigger tub? I guess so. And he should have had it gold-plated.”
Woodrow Wilson — “He had a stroke. Even his body knew he was a loser and wanted to quit. My body never quits. The doctors can’t believe it. They say my sky-high blood pressure, my exclusively trans fat diet, my refusal to do any exercise, and all the brain damage from 20 years of undiagnosed syphilis should have killed me years ago. They say I’m a medical marvel!”
Warren Harding — “Did you know it’s rumored his wife killed him? What a beta! That’s actually my biggest fear. I don’t trust Melania at all. I never drink a can of Diet Coke she gives me unless it’s unopened. If she opens it before giving it to me she’ll just stand around waiting for me to take the first sip with a big smile on her face. You’ve seen her before — she never smiles! It’s very suspicious.”
Calvin Coolidge — “They called him Silent Cal, so no wonder I don’t know anything about him. I go out of my way to talk as much as possible so everyone knows how great I am. I even call journalists all the time pretending to be my alter egos John Barron or David Dennison to start fantastical rumors about myself. The media is so stupid no one has any idea it’s really me!”
Herbert Hoover — “He had a bunch of Hoovervilles, but he had no business talent and never got rich. I turned my empire of slum apartments in New York into millions of dollars of profits, and they said the living conditions in my apartments were even worse than Hoovervilles! Richer always means smarter.”
Franklin Roosevelt — “Cripple. I like presidents whose legs don’t give up. Also, I’d have never fought Hitler. Hitler showed such strength, and was an even bigger genius than Putin. America kills people too, and frankly, Britain and the Soviet Union weren’t paying their bills so I’d have ripped up all our alliances with them. I wonder what kind of prostitutes Hitler would have sent me if I had done the Miss Universe pageant in 1930s Berlin. And Hitler had the most loyal generals! My generals as president had no ambition.”
Harry Truman — “Truman was a pussy. I’d have used the nuclear bombs to attack every country, and conquer the world. Truman just wasn’t a visionary like me.”
Dwight Eisenhower — “Bald loser who wasted decades of his life in the military. What was in it for him?”
John Kennedy — “Everyone’s talking about how Kennedy’s hair, teeth, tanned skin, and sexual conquests were fake, and how I look younger and hotter than him. Marilyn Monroe said she only slept with Kennedy because I was underaged at the time.”
Lyndon Johnson — “He tried to draft me into Vietnam, but I was too smart. I covered myself in feces and urine every day for years to get out of being selected. And it worked like a charm! I thought up all kinds of cool life hacks that I still use all these years later, like wearing diapers. And golden showers still turn me on.”
Richard Nixon — “He resigned in shame like an idiot. All he had to do was never admit fault, convince his supporters the Justice Department was rigged against him, delay the court proceedings, and file endless counter-suits and appeals so he could finish out his term. Sometimes I think I’m the only smart president America ever had.”
Gerald Ford — “I actually like Ford. He pardoned his presidential predecessor. Biden should take notes on how to be a classy president.”
Jimmy Carter — “He was a marble mouth Southerner, and only a one-term president! What a loser! My single term is nothing like his, because I was robbed and cheated in the election. Carter lost fair and square.”
Ronald Reagan — “He had dementia in office, unlike me! I aced all the two-minute cognitive tests I’ve taken that asked me to distinguish between people, cameras, and TVs, which is why I don’t have to release any of my health records because I have nothing to hide.”
George H. W. Bush — “I asked George H. W. Bush’s first presidential campaign to consider me as a candidate for his vice president, but they laughed at me. I guess it was smart of Bush, though, because I totally would have done a big rally like January 6th to hang him live on national television and make myself president!”
Bill Clinton — “I heard he was also friendly with Jeffrey Epstein back when I was doing secret reconnaissance on Deep State pedophiles and only pretending to be Epstein’s BFF for research.”
George W. Bush — “If I was president when he was, 9/11 never would have happened, I guarantee it! Osama bin Laden would have respected me. We’d have fallen in love, just like me and Kim Jong Un did. We’d have written each other the most beautiful letters!”
Barack Obama — “He left the cupboards bare of COVID-19 tests so he made me look bad when the pandemic started. Was Obama behind the pandemic? People are talking.”
46. Joe Biden — “He died six years ago and his body is just being suspended by ropes and pulleys in the Oval Office. It’s the greatest hoax in American history!” 🥃
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Good job!
Really nailed the Trump "philosophy" of governing. Great!