A Roast Of Pennsylvania By A Republican
I’m upset with the Blue Wall states for failing liberalism again, and electing Donald Trump to an incomprehensible second term while paradoxically voting for Democratic senators in Michigan, Elissa Slotkin, and Wisconsin, Tammy Baldwin, and very nearly reelecting Bob Casey in Pennsylvania.
For some comedic revenge, here’s a funny article I wrote about PA from the 2022 election cycle when Dr. Oz was trying to carpetbag his way to the Senate in Pennsylvania despite living in New Jersey. I think it’s a solid roast of the state!
Dr. Mehmet Oz’s Top Excuses For Why He Never Goes To Pennsylvania
“Where in the rule book does it say I have to live in Pennsylvania while I’m campaigning to be Pennsylvanians’ senator? Besides, if I become a senator, I’m just going to buy a mansion in D.C. and live there. Whether I win or lose, I’m never going to live in Pennsylvania!”
“Pennsylvania just has this really odd smell. The whole state gives me a migraine if I’m there for longer than an hour.”
“I’m kind of freaked out by the Amish, and they’re everywhere there.”
“I’m sort of good friends with a lot of the top Turkish governmental officials. They invite me to a lot of weddings, birthday parties, campaign parties, and top secret meetings. And Turkey has a lot of elections I still vote in. It feels like I’m always flying back and forth, and flying internationally out of Newark is way nicer than Philadelphia.”
“I may have allegedly tried out a bunch of fake medical cures using Pennsylvanians as guinea pigs that maybe turned them blind, ruined their kidneys, and gave them cancer before I found which cures were less toxic to give to New Jerseyans.”
“I only agreed to run for the Senate because Mitch McConnell and Donald Trump told me I wouldn’t have to work very hard to get elected. I specifically told them I’d only run as long as I didn’t have to shake hands or touch any Pennsylvanians.”
“None of my friends or family live in Pennsylvania.”
“I’m afraid of John Fetterman. He’s huge. He’s almost 7-feet tall! I don’t want to be in the same state as that ogre. Is there a scientist roaming around the Arctic right now looking for him? Plus, when I stand next to him, I look like a little Oompa-Loompa!”
“As someone who has spent a lot of time in Turkey, which isn’t far from where Dracula lived, I have a natural suspicion of any places with ‘sylvania’ in their names.”
“The sh*tty roads in PA really f*ck the suspension of my Lamborghini.”
“I don’t own a mansion in Pennsylvania that I can live in, and I haven’t stayed in a hotel since 1996. I’m not a peasant.”
“I didn’t realize Pennsylvania was so rural between Pittsburg and Philadelphia. All the Republicans in this state are hillbillies or Amish. I’m not trying to be a senator for a bunch of Northern Alabamians!”
“Every time I try to drive into Philly, I get scared I’m gonna get mugged, so I turn around and floor it to the nearest bridge over the Delaware River. Philly is sketch.”
“I don’t understand why Pennsylvanians are so obsessed with that big, cracked bell they have, and at this point I’m afraid it’s too late and awkward to ask.”
“Philadelphia is coasting on its heyday, which was two hundred years ago. It’s so annoying when cities cling to a long past prime. We get it, Ben Franklin lived here. But if he was alive today, he would 100% have set up his printing press in Jersey. He sold high-brow stuff the Philadelphians of today could never comprehend, let alone appreciate.”
“I just think Jersey chefs and cooks have innovated the Philly cheesesteak sandwich so far that getting one in Philly just seems poor.”
“I like going to music concerts, and all the best singers are from Jersey. Sinatra, Springsteen, Bon Jovi, Paul Simon, the Jonas Brothers. Pennsylvania is like a blackhole of musical talent where no one’s good.”
“New Jersey’s beaches are way better, and I have yet to find any good caviar toast places, or any good seafood places for that matter, in Pennsylvania. The fish are as smelly and unimpressive as the people.”
“I’ve maybe got some lawsuits pending for medical malpractice in PA, and if I enter the state I might be served a summons.”
“I never cared for the Rocky films. Each one gets worse than the last. Philadelphia owes every American the ten-plus hours it took us to watch those dumb movies. It makes perfect sense that Pennsylvanians would love movies about a sport where you give yourself brain damage.”
“I’m sorry to repeat myself so often about this, but the entire state of Pennsylvania just f*cking reeks.” 🥃
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