A Secret Service Agent Revealed Absurd Things About Trump’s Time In The White House

Donald Trump is a very weird guy.

Photo by René DeAnda on Unsplash

A leak of private messages between Secret Service agents has revealed some very embarrassing details about the agency’s dealings with former President Donald Trump:

• Trump never once rode in a car with Melania or Barron.

• The Secret Service had to start offering bonuses to drivers of the presidential limousine because Trump smelled so bad. The agents quietly went on strike in March of 2017 refusing to drive him without extra “stench pay.” It made Trump furious because the strike made him miss a few days of golf, and he had to stay inside and suffer through the boredom of actually reading his presidential briefings.

• While being driven to campaign events, Trump would regularly complain to agents about his supporters’ lackluster “star power,” and accuse Hollywood of “rigging hot people against him” by brainwashing most movie stars and models to hate him. One conversation recorded in a voice memo text captured Trump saying, “The MAGA people are all missing teeth, and fat, and have gross neckbeards. Uh. I don’t get enough money from the dupes to pay hot people to come to my rallies. I can barely afford all the ‘Blacks for Trump’ people I bring!”

• Trump regularly tried to choke out his Secret Service drivers when they refused to stop at the McDonalds drive-through citing the security risks of sitting still in line and getting trapped by other cars for five or more minutes.

• The floor mats in the back seats of the presidential limousine had to be replaced monthly because of how much fried chicken Trump would eat messily on his way to rallies.

• Trump would once a month go on a drive with Kevin McCarthy 45-minutes into the middle of nowhere in Virginia farm country, and leave him there to walk back to DC.

• The cloth seats of the vehicles Trump rode in were regularly stained with orange foundation makeup and blue Adderall dust. Sometimes Trump would throw burgers he brought for snacks against the windshield when he’d hear bad news. The Secret Service found this an incredibly reckless, potentially catastrophic security threat given that they’d have to stop the vehicle and wipe off the smeared ketchup.

• Trump was a big fan of the Swedish pop group Abba, and on motorcade rides liked to blast “Dancing Queen” very loudly so he wouldn’t have to listen to advisers read him his presidential briefings or talk about all the polls that showed him losing to Biden.

• Following every meeting with an Asian diplomat or leader, Trump would talk with an exaggerated Asian accent for about fifteen minutes.

• Literally every Secret Service agent has heard Trump recommend they spend their next vacation in Moscow because “the Russian girls are into some crazy stuff.”

• During international events and global summits, Trump would always “accidentally” walk into the women’s bathrooms, which was always really awkward for Secret Service agents to have to witness.

• Trump once ordered a Secret Service agent to run over his son Eric after Eric revealed he had given a children’s cancer charity a 1% discount for booking two consecutive fundraisers at a Trump property.

• Trump repeatedly asked Secret Service agents in the week leading up to January 6th if, hypothetically, it would be possible to “pull a Princess Diana” on Vice President Mike Pence.

• 95% of Secret Service agents’ COVID infections were directly linked to Trump demanding no one around him wear a mask, and half of them were directly or indirectly related to the infamous car ride he took while staying at the hospital with a nearly fatal COVID infection so he could pretend he wasn’t about to die.

• After every motorcade ride for four years straight, Trump told his drivers “I’d tip you but I don’t have any cash, so I promise I’ll tip you big on the next one.” The Secret Service also heard him say that to every Mar-a-Lago employee who served him, his golf caddies, and various hotel staff members when staying in foreign countries.

• When playing golf, Trump made every Secret Service agent carry three of his golf balls in their pockets for him to cheat with.

• The Secret Service had to triple its golf cart fleet and pay for storage space in foreign countries to store them because Trump refused to walk anywhere, even when attending ceremonial events outside with other leaders, including female leaders wearing heels.

• The Secret Service had to regularly invent excuses for why women Trump invited to ride alone in a car with him couldn’t in order to save the government millions in under-the-table hush money payouts.

• A few times when Trump was napping on long car rides, Secret Service agents could tell from Trump mumbling in his sleep that he was having a sex dream about Nancy Pelosi.

• Trump demanded the “Beast” limousine be fully stocked at all times with an 18-pack of Diet Coke, an emergency bottle of ketchup, and a stack of blank non-disclosure agreements.

• Trump would occasionally make suggestive comments to agents like, “You know, in Russia and North Korea, their security agencies will push the leader’s political enemies out of windows…”

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