A Televangelist Claims "The Gays Tricked Me Into Doing A Gay!"

Photo by Diana Vargas on Unsplash

A major sex scandal featuring a gay sex tape is rocking the Church of Leviticus of televangelist Dan Whittington, who originally claimed the tape was fake, but, after its authenticity was confirmed, he claimed he had been tricked into a gay affair by the “Gay Mafia.”

“Folks, you know me, I’m the biggest follower of Jesus there is,” Whittington said in a video he released soon after the tape was publicized. “I know that the tape sounds bad and icky, but I’ll be 100% honest with you all: it has been released totally out of context. You see, I’ve been blackmailed by the Gay Mafia for several weeks now because they know I live by and fight for Christian values. It all started a little while ago when I went to a gay club undercover to try and figure out what the Gay Mafia was up to in their terrifying scheme to force all good Christians to submit to their homosexual agenda, and while I was there I had a few too many drinks while blending myself into the scene because I obviously had to act natural in order to do effective reconnaissance. So I got a little tipsy, and had to use the restroom. When I finally got to the bathroom stall there must have been some gay sperm on the floor or something because I slipped, grabbed a toilet lid for balance, accidentally snorted a few lines of cocaine that someone had irresponsibly left on the seat, stepped on my pant leg which pulled down my trousers, got my shirt collar stuck on the door’s coat hook which ripped it off, and I guess the centrifugal force of my spinning made my underwear fall to my ankles leaving me naked, and then I fell onto another man’s erect penis. It was a case of real bad timing because there just so happened to be a photographer in the bathroom at the same time, who caught all of this in a series of photographs, and he told me he’s planning to release them sometime today because I would not pay him $50,000 in blackmail money. Folks, believe me when I say this is all just one big misunderstanding. When I fell onto that naked man’s engorged penis I was so shocked I didn’t know what to do, so I immediately started praying. The photos show that. You all know how serious I am during church services when I’m praying, right? Nothing distracts me from my intense passion for and faithfulness to Jesus Christ. That’s why in these illicit photos you’ll see me with my eyes closed and then continue to accidentally do sodomy with this man for dozens of more photos in various poses. It’s not because I’m enjoying it, I can assure you. It’s only because 100% of my Earthly attention is being directed to Jesus, and I barely notice at all that I’m being spelunked in my colon. But thankfully I said a prayer and banished Satan as soon as the gayness was finished so that God totally forgave me of this whole mess that never would have happened in the first place if gay marriage hadn’t been legalized. But, because of all the blackmail threats I’ve received, I’ve decided to just come clean and admit my sins to the public. Of course, the libtards are going to call me a hypocrite for all of this, but actually I’ve been totally vindicated because I’ve spent my entire political career saying this is the exact sort of thing that would happen if gays were allowed to have the same rights as straights. I’ve been saying it for decades that America’s morals are going down the drain, and I’m just the latest Gay Agenda victim of their godless, socialist war against Christianity. So I want to take a moment now to thank all my faithful supporters and fellow followers of Leviticus for your continued prayers for me in my struggle against the decline in America’s family values.”

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