A Transcript Of One Of Trump’s Phone Calls With Putin Was Leaked
It's wild!
The following is a transcript of Trump’s end of a phone call with Russian President Vladimir Putin shortly after the 2020 election that was secretly recorded:
“Sorry, Vlad, I know… I know, it’s f*cking bullsh*t… I knew I should have taken your advice and started pushing journalists and Democrats off roofs… I was waiting for the second term for stuff like that… I know, but I had to get reelected first… Yeah, sitting presidents can’t be indicted, but it’s way harder to campaign and do debates if everyone is blaming you for murder… Well, I can’t cook the books and invent votes like you can because our elections are decentralized. You have it so easy in Russia, and you don’t even know it. You should appreciate how much power you get to have legally over there… I could have made some public examples of my enemies in other ways, you’re right… Tell me about it. … Trust me, I tried that, but my military has so many dumb rules. They’re such rule-followers. Be glad your military does what you want. My generals are so lazy. I can’t even get them to pepper spray protesters or shoot a few in the legs… Yeah, the generals killed the voting-machines-confiscation plan in five seconds… Yeah, it is a shame I lost. It’s rigged, you know how it is… Whose side are you on? The Democrats’ side? Of course it was rigged! That’s the only way I could possibly lose to Biden… I don’t care what the polls said all along, my campaign was perfect! I’d give it an A+ grade… Hey, it’s not all my fault, you know, I remember a certain someone telling me their hackers and Facebook trolls would keep Pennsylvania red! You said that, didn’t you? … Yeah, yeah, yeah… Obviously I’m going to try to get rid of the sanctions one more time, but that’s an uphill battle. … Well, you didn’t give me the emails of enough GOP Congress people, and I can only low-key blackmail so many myself… Get me more private emails from more Republican senators and I’ll see what I can do. And get someone good. You got me all the losers. Lindsey Graham and Ted Cruz? Come on, everyone hates them! We actually lost a couple senators from going along with the fake electors scheme because Ted was involved. They said they were open to the idea until they found out they’d have to look into his gross, little, beady black eyes and hear him tell jokes about the Senate everyone knows Al Franken said first... It’s too late to disband NATO now, I’m sorry. Why? Because the Republicans would all mutiny against me! … And what about your end of the bargain?… No, we agreed Trump Tower Moscow would be 45 stories tall, not 44! What the f*ck?! That’s Obama’s number! … So what if I didn’t get reelected? A deal is a deal! … Come on, Vlad… What if I make Eric be your slave for a year? … Five years? … I can’t pull all our troops out of Germany, believe me, I tried… We can’t make it too obvious, Vlad! … Well, what about you? Your American Freedom superPAC didn’t spend quite as many rubles on TV ads in Georgia and Arizona as you claimed it would, did it? They f*cking turned blue! … Fine, 44 stories. But count the basement as the first floor so we can say in the marketing brochures that it’s 45 stories. And don’t forget to make sure on all the tax filings that it’s listed as only 35 stories. I’m not f*cking paying taxes on all 44! … Great… Yep… And you’re still going to send me over some of those girls I like, right? Good, great…. Yeah those girls were tremendous. That night is still the hottest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. You must have had the girls drink water all day before that night at the hotel because I couldn’t believe how much urine they peed all over the bed! … Yep… Yep… And good luck with your Ukraine invasion. Biden’s so brain dead there’s no way he’ll organize some kind of European solidarity. I’m sure it’ll go great for you. You’re such a genius at the military. Very clever. I wish the military here would let me invade someone. Like Canada or Mexico. But apparently we’re like historic allies or some other dumb bullsh*t. The generals wouldn’t let me get any extra territory anywhere. It’s like, do they even know anything about global leadership and foreign policy? All I wanted was one new state or territory we could name ‘Trumpiana’ or ‘Trumpington’ or something like that. Can you do me a favor and name a city in Ukraine after me when you take all their land? … Thanks. I think you’ll do some amazing things in Ukraine. You’re gonna win that war so fast and easy. I can tell because I’m a military genius. The generals here are all dumber than a bag of rocks. They say Ukraine is very strong, and the Ukrainian people are very courageous, but my generals don’t know anything. Can you believe they keep telling me it’s a good thing that our military lets in women and gays? But your military is straight out of central casting with men only. You know, when it comes to the military, a little homoeroticism is what you want… Yeah, and you’re a genius just like me, so there’s no way your invasion will stall out, start losing a bunch of territory to a Ukrainian counter-offensive, inspire lots of protests throughout Russia, and then lead to the collapse of your regime and your oligarch underlings assassinating you. No way. …Thanks for saying that, Vlad, that means so much coming from you. …Well, my brain is probably not triple the size of Obama’s brain, but I’d say it’s at least double. And my hands, too. You know what I’m talking about. You’ve shaken both our hands. Mine are way bigger right? … I knew it… Yeah, my hands would hurt too after eight years of getting used to Obama’s little grandma hands and then having to shake my beefy hulk hands. Your hands were out of shape, and not used to my engorged finger muscles… Exactly… But don’t get down on yourself. I’ve seen those horse-riding pictures. You are a physical inspiration, sir… Now Ivanka, that’s a beauty… You have very beautiful girls over there, too. Hey, do you have any Epsteins over there in Russia? …Oh, I’m telling you, you gotta get an Epstein. You’ll be thanking me very soon. I guarantee it. Well, I gotta run. I gotta go pack up all those top secret documents about our spies and nuclear secrets you wanted me to snag you. I just have to find some random bins and classified folders to put them in. Oh, and I got you a couple surprises I think you’ll get a kick out of… You’ll have to wait until you get the boxes…. It’s a surprise… Okay, fine, one hint. Macron’s sex life… Yeah, you’re gonna love it… I love it when you laugh and snort out of your nose like that… Yep. Alright, thanks, Vlad… Yep, talk soon… Buh-bye.”
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