Alien Advice For Humanity's Evolutionary Defects

An alien diplomat visited Earth today, and dispensed extra-terrestrial tips.

Photo by Leo_Visions on Unsplash

Hello, Earthlings. I am Chief Diplomat Xionfrangzoltar XVII from the Galactic Federation, and your planetary species has finally reached a point where extra-terrestrial contact is appropriate.

First off, we apologize that some of our more, how you colloquially call “redneck,” galactic associates have been less than responsible and mature in terms of their sociological studying of your planet. We apologize for all the abductions, agricultural graffiti, and literal pyramid schemes. If you’re curious, all those crop circles were not coded messages, but rather depictions of our various alien species’ genitalia, making them our equivalent of your graffiti drawings of penises. They’re obscene, but, like all higher intelligence organisms, we can’t resist an occasional dick joke.

Most of all, we apologize for the unfortunate, and scientifically unnecessary, anal probings. The Galactic Federation has mandated the end to all excretory probings from now on, except for the human entity called Rudy Giuliani. He appears to enjoy it, so we can assure you it’s quite consensual.

Anyway, we’ve been monitoring the evolutionary journey of your species since you were mere primordial single-cells, and watched as you’ve developed into your charming present form as peculiarly big-headed, birth-canal-crowding, spinally-inefficient bipeds.

It was a great relief to see your brains evolve the surface-area increasing folds necessary to support a complex cerebral cortex capable of the sophisticated social culture and intellectual creativity needed for your eventual industrial-scale environmental manipulations needed to protect and preserve the future of your species despite your under-developed infantile disadvantages. Well done! And we were worried your genealogical line might never escape the African forests because lots of you got eaten by lions and hyenas for millia. Your innovation of tools and weapons to become the apex predator of your entire incubatory planet was faster than most members of the Galactic Federation.

However, we regret to inform you that, while our arrival has alerted you to our advanced mechanics and scientific prowess, we are nonetheless sworn to a code of conduct for Type-2 civilizations that forbids us to aid you technologically. However, we would like to offer you the following suggestions on how to genetically improve your most curious evolutionary progression in preparation for future Galactic Federation membership:

— Take those exposed testicles and evolve them back up in the abdominal cavity to keep your male gametes safe! We love a “guy-getting-hit-in-the-nuts” video just as much as the next sentient organism, but talk about vulnerable from a procreation standpoint! If you can cool down your body temperature a few degrees, your spermatozoa will be safe inside, and your testes will not be uncomfortably compressed and smashed in the skin-tight clothing most appropriate for advanced space travel and fashionable in Galactic culture. Though aesthetically unfortunate on your male body forms, we do appreciate the visual comedy of artificial “truck nuts” you put on your most energy-inefficient land vehicles, and we have adopted the trend by putting “space scrotums” on the backs of our spaceships. We’ve also put quite a few sheela na gigs on our motherships. Creepy, but kind of hot.

— Nix the tailbones. In galactic society, it’s considered very low-class and embarrassing to have such obvious vestigial body structures. Dozens of galactic nations have already converted their consciousnesses into pure energy, and here you humans are, barely removed genetically from your cousin apes who hang from trees by their tails and fling their feces at each other. And, frankly, the way your evolutionarily unfinished spines cause pervasive lower back pain is crude enough, even without your conspicuous coccyx. Don’t take this the wrong way, but you all are very genetically cringey.

— Definitely keep your elaborate mating rituals. They’re quite entertaining with all the mammary ornamentalism, the penile cellular picture transmissions, and the copious fermentation consumption that appears to be an integral part of your contemporary procreative courtship. Your so-called nature documentaries may wax poetically about the exotic dances of your planet’s birds of paradise, but the Galactic Federation finds the spectacle of your ornery bachelors, bachelorettes, and housewives’ excessive pageantry and combative, sexually competitive antagonisms much more entertaining. It’s degrading and, how you call “trashy,” but it makes for quite compelling holovision that earns admirable and quite profitable ratings throughout the universe.

— Ditch the wisdom teeth ASAP. They grow in late, and cram your mouth full of dental superfluities that push your other teeth into crooked, ugly formations. And to add insult to cosmetic injury, your common need of dental braces is the most lame form of bionic technology in, literally, the entire universe. And that includes the Zenoquologarians who have twenty short-sighted eyes, and need to wear thick, digital glasses over all of them. Behind their backs we call them “Forty Eyes.”

— Replace your shockingly weak and immobile knee joints with a ball and socket joint as featured in your hips and shoulders. Nothing appears to age more dreadfully than your tibiofemoral joint, and if you think Earthling sports like rugby and American football are rough on your knees, you’ll be terrified to watch a game of fusion-ball as played throughout the Circinus Galaxy. It’s past time you humans begin changing the body parts that frequently give you pain and inevitable mobility problems! More adaptable knees would limit your ability to run long distances, of course, but spacefaring civilizations don’t run. That’s like the most single-planet thing a species could do.

— Evolve your appendix. Don’t throw it out like most backseat-evolver biologists propose, but expand it to go back to your cellulose digesting days. Your factory farming of animal meat is a most unwise use of your kinetic energy that, besides offending our advanced morality, is sabotaging your own immune systems with antibiotic-resistant pathogens. And your appetite for beef is also filling your sky with methane while necessitating the conversion of oxygen-rich rainforest into atmospherically damaging pastures. Some advice from one advanced species to another: cease recklessly ruining your planet’s delicate balance of tropospheric elemental gases immediately.

…Actually, on second brain wave, you humans too self-destructive and regressive to admit into the Galactic Federation for many millennia. We will return when either you’ve decided not to greenhouse-gas yourselves into planetary ruin, or the raccoons of your planet supplant you as the dominant species on Earth. They’re much more sensible about resource sustainability. And their black facial fur patches on their faces make it look like they’re wearing robber masks. They scurry around like little bandits, it’s adorable! Yeah, actually I’m gonna go lobby the Galactic Congress to vaporize all you humans and give raccoons an opportunity as the apex species of Earth. So long, Homo sapiens, you have about four Earth years left as that’s how long it will take me to hyper jump to the Galactic Federation’s capital.

Hegemonically yours,
Xionfrangzoltar XVII
Chief Diplomat of the Galactic Federation

P.S. Have you ever noticed that the entity you call Mitch McConnell sharply resembles your planet’s shelled, aquatic herpetoids? 🥃

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