All The Dead Presidents' Ghosts Are Haunting The White House

Ghost activity at the White House is increasing unexpectedly, and staffers from the Biden Administration are reporting an uptick in the number of encounters with the ghosts of former presidents:

George Washington floats around confessing that he accidentally sparked the French and Indian War in the 1754, and you can look it up to verify it.

Rutherford Hayes asks White House visitors, “What’s the big problem with Joe Biden sniffing kids’ hair? Sniffing kids’ hair is great!”

James Buchanan tells anyone who will listen, “I was a lifelong bachelor, and my almost inseparable best friend was male. You know what that means when you read it in the history books, don’t you?”

Warren Harding hides in closets, and when guests are getting dressed he says, “You know how much poon I used to get in here? Bill Clinton’s a virgin boy scout compared to me! Also, my wife murdered me with poison! Look it up! I actually didn’t mind. Teapot Dome was blowing up, and my mistress had just birthed a kid of mine. It was about time for ol’ Warren to go. But let me tell you, thank God for Donald Trump because until him I was the worst president in the modern era. I may have been a cigar smoking backroom dealer of cronyism and corruption, but I’d never incite an attempted coup against the peaceful transfer of power! What kind of unAmerican, anti-democratic psychopath does a thing like that?”

George H. W. Bush pinches women’s butts with his ghost fingers, then high-fives the Ghost of Gorbachev, and they drink ghost beers together every night and give each other the credit for ending the Cold War everyone else gives to Reagan and Thatcher even though they were the ones who landed the plane.

FDR rolls around in his ghost wheelchair telling people “I was wrong! There is much more to fear than fear itself! The afterlife is an underworld eternal purgatory with no relief, rest, or existential catharsis! It’s a monotonous lingering in the shadows of nothingness, and an agonizing despair that will never end. Why do I suffer now when I suffered so much in life? I had polio!”

Millard Fillmore begs staffers, “Hey, show me some of those OnlyFans videos on your electrified space telegram machine thingy! Daddy likey! I’m pissed I had to live in the 19th Century! You know how hard it was to see broads naked back then? Now the broads show it all off for free, and walk around in public in yoga pants. I tell you, camel toe was impossible to see in the 1850s! And no one’s a bigger ally of free-the-nipple than Millard Fillmore. Trump staffers used to watch moving pictures of pornography during work hours, and I cannot believe what us 19th Centurians missed out on. Just be glad I’m shooting ghost sperm because I have painted the entire White House.”

Thomas Jefferson annoys White House guests describing in gratuitous detail with his trademark floral language why “Our Creator has advanced our pursuit of happiness giving us a wise and impish character to appreciate the humor of John Adams being our second president because to associate the number two and a big fat deuce that clogs a Virginian outhouse is to invoke the spirit of the Adams administration, and it’s an inalienable fact in our republic’s august history that John Adams is certainly a shit stain upon it.”

Richard Nixon tells people he can’t believe all he had to do was not resign, and just be like Donald Trump by not feeling any shame or remorse for any of his actions while walking all over basic decency and democratic norms, and he apparently could have gotten away with all his crimes.

Abraham Lincoln goes around and screams at Republican members of Congress for ruining his party, and he explains to them how he’d 100% be a Democrat today if he were still alive because, if Republicans read the GOP’s 1860s party platforms, they would be shocked to find wildly liberal planks and policy ideas, such as funding extensive internal infrastructure and railroads, uninhibited asylum and citizenship rights to any immigrant who wanted them, “vigorous” taxation, and governmental intervention to expand and ensure civil rights for freed slaves. “Which party now does it sound like? Look at which states elected me. Geographically, the exact same power base as the states that elected Joe Biden! I roll my eyes every time I hear ignorant conservatives think they’re making a worthwhile political argument in defense of the actions of today’s GOP by pointing out that I was one. I renounce the party I once led. I’m for Dark Brandon all the way!”

Teddy Roosevelt claims he did marijuana in Cuba during the Spanish-American War and is the uncredited inventor of jazz music.

William McKinley, James Garfield, and John Kennedy play in a ghost band together on Thursdays, and jam out to heavy metal songs about assassination.

Calvin Coolidge does surprisingly clever and profane gangsta rap about juggling hoes in the Roaring 20s under the stage name “C-Cool”

Gerald Ford floats around whispering into visitors’ ears, “I want you to do things to my asshole I’ll have to pardon you for.” 🥃

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