Both Parties In Congress Are Disappointed Ted Cruz Was Reelected
The most vile senator in America gets another six years.
Senator Ted Cruz’s long career of narcissistically self-aggrandizing political stunts has won him few friends in politics. Actually, no friends.
These are the some of the most charitable remarks his fellow Republicans have said about him:
“I will never not hate Ted Cruz with a fiery passion,” said Senator Lindsey Graham. “Nothing he says or does could ever change the fact I’ve repeated many times before that if someone killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, no Senators would vote to convict the murderer. I’d even vote to confirm that person onto the Supreme Court because killing Cruz would exemplify such clear and sound judgment.”
“I wish Ted Cruz would just stay in Cancun the next time he flies there during a Texan weather emergency,” said Senator Shelly Poitter. “I’d love it if the government would deport him to Mexico or Canada, except that releasing the bio weapon of mass annoyance that is Ted Cruz would likely be considered by those governments as an act of war. The United Nations would likely try to prosecute us for human rights violations. But he was born in Canada, not America. The Canadians should have to take him back!”
“In the Senate lunchroom, Ted Cruz always sits alone because when he tries to join any other table the people there tell him they’re saving the seat for someone, but that someone never comes and sits down,” said Senator Wendy Roche. “It almost makes you feel sympathy for him just for a millisecond, before you remember he attempted to stop a bipartisan deal by shutting down the federal government all by himself just to promote himself ahead of his presidential campaign in 2016. Anyone who is a perennial presidential candidate like Ted Cruz, who I believe is already planning and drooling over the opportunity to run in 2028, it’s healthy to just instinctively hate that person with your entire soul.”
“Al Franken said it best when he said he liked Ted Cruz more than most members of the Senate, and that he hated Ted Cruz,” said Senator Ron Daniels. “Al Franken certainly liked Ted much more than I do! One time at a Republican caucus luncheon I saw Ted Cruz with spinach in his teeth, toilet paper stuck to his shoe, his pants zipper down, his shirt on inside-out, a booger hanging in his nose, and a sheet of paper taped to the back of his sport coat that said “I’M STUPID” and I didn’t say a word to him about any of it.”
“The first moment I met Ted Cruz and he looked me in the eyes, I got my first hot flash of menopause,” said Senator Angela Lukeshire. “It’s like my body was so disgusted by his creepy, slimy, hair-raising presence that my ovaries did the menstrual equivalent of throwing up and committing fallopian suicide. My ovaries hung themselves!”
“Cruz getting elected in my state twice really makes me doubt the intelligence of my constituents,” said Texas Representative John Cornhall. “I want to believe they’re wise arbiters of character, integrity, and civic responsibility, but… why Ted Cruz?”
“I’ve heard that Donald Trump has made Ted Cruz do some wildly humiliating things at Mar-a-Lago to be forgiven for the mean things Cruz said about him during the 2016 primary,” said GOP Representative John Fludd. “I can’t totally confirm for sure because I didn’t see it myself, but I heard from a colleague who heard from a Mar-a-Lago cleaning lady that Trump made Cruz do things that made her lose her religion and belief in God because she couldn’t believe an all-knowing, all-powerful, loving monodeity would allow such horrifying, blasphemous deeds of self-flagellation and penetration as she saw Cruz do.”
“I have many theories about several serial killer cold cases in which I think Ted Cruz should be considered a top suspect,” said Senator Jim Klause. “The murders all match up to Congressional breaks and Ted’s travel plans.”
“Maybe it’s because everyone in his life has hated him, but Ted Cruz is so f*cking weird about asking everyone to make an alliance with him,” said Senator Paul Whittlinger, “He has asked me like five separate times. Literally every senator has turned him down. He also asks everyone if we’ll sign an oath to vote for him in the next presidential election, but of course no one has ever signed it. The Senate actually has a suicide pact where roughly 2/3rds of us have all agreed that if Ted ever gets elected as president, we’ll all commit Seppuku on election night. Thankfully, I’m positive the American people will never elect Ted Cruz to the White House.”
“After everyone was criticizing Ted Cruz for his role in helping instigate the insurrectionist mob on January 6th, Cruz told me that he cared about all the calls for his resignation as much as he cared about Trump’s insults aimed at his wife,” said Senator Sam Blackwell. “Of all the comparisons he could have made, how weird he chose his wife.”
“I once looked at some documents he threw away because he was right next to the recycling bin, but he still chose to throw the paper away in the landfill bin,” revealed an anonymity-requesting Congressional janitor, “and on the paper I could see Ted had written several lines of affirmation and encouragement to himself. I have photo proof of this. One of them said ‘I want to be courageous and bold with my political career to ensure that my daughters and all the following generations will inherit an America I stopped at nothing to become president of, no matter the cost, even if it leads to the utter destruction and annihilation of me and all my enemies.’ And Ted wonders why people don’t like him!”
“I don’t know what to think about this, but Ted Cruz once got a little drunk after a night of drinking two bottles of rosé wine at a GOP Senate social event, and he whispered in my ear that he was Mothman,” said former Cruz staffer Heather North.
“I composed a poem about Ted Cruz,” said RNC election staffer Lisa Boyd:
Ted Cruz is a monster unleashed accidentally,
He deserves an electric chair kind of death penalty.
His birth was not vaginal or even Caesarian,
He was found in a pile of cemetery carrion.
When you lose reelection and scream and complain,
A bipartisan Congress will pop some champagne! 🥃
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So incredibly slimey—as in after seeing & listening to this guy, one needs to bathe immediately & thereafter spray santizer everywhere. There has GOT to be BIG bribe money involved allowing this man being allowed to “work” for the American people.
The mention of serial killer-YES-that’s it. There are those that make your skin crawl & you feel the despicable evil & Cruz absolutely invokes those senses. Yet somehow he is allowed to be. Perhpas more articles like this will expose this man & have him put somewhere safe.
You people are so incredibly unhinged with your ignorance and stupidity! Ted Cruz is my Senator and has been my pick from the beginning of his career. He has done great things for Texas and does not take any crap from the left!