The Upcoming Memoirs From MAGA Heroes No One Asked For
The great literary debate: can Republicans write good books? You decide based on these upcoming titles!
The following are upcoming memoirs written by noteworthy Republican officials:
Josh Hawley — Beating Off Satan: How To Defeat Masturbation And Live A Christian Life
Ivanka Trump — A Woman In Business: How I Rose Above Pervasive Sexual Harassment In My Dad’s Company
Kevin McCarthy — Speaker Of The House [Abandoned project since he only wrote two chapters before getting voted out of his speakership]
Matt Gaetz — Me & Nestor: Setting The Record Straight On Why My Adopting Him Wasn’t Weird At All
Ted Cruz — Texas Hold ’Em [A rip-off of the show House of Cards featuring a protagonist very much like himself who engineers his way to the presidency with a gratuitous amount of cheating on his wife]
Nikki Haley — How I’m Different But Also The Same As Donald Trump
Donald Trump Jr. — I Love You, Dad: A Memoir On Ways My Dad Showed He Loved Me, Even If He Never Said It
Eric Trump — The Art Of The Deal: Children’s Cancer Charity Edition
Kimberly Guilfoyle: The Real Housewives Of Benito Mussolini’s Dictatorship
Elaine Chao — Senate Kama Sutra: 12 Illustrated Tantric Lessons I Learned On Erotic Passion With My Magnificent Lover, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell
Mike Pence — Hanging WITH Mike Pence: An Inside Look At The Former Vice President’s Life
Mike Lindell — Irrefutable Proof The Election Was Rigged [Originally slated for release in March 2021, then delayed until September 2021, then January 1st 2022, then July 4th 2022, then January 1st 2023, and now slated for release in April 2024]
Rudy Giuliani — Scotch, A Lawyer’s Best Friend: Prose Poems About being Donald Trump’s Lawyer, My Alien Abductions, And The Joy Of Putting One’s Hand In His Pants
Jared Kushner — The Mozart Of Laundering Saudi Blood Money
Mitch McConnell — The Complete Field Guide On Freshwater Turtles Of Eastern Kentucky
Sarah Huckabee Sanders — Great Lecterns: A Coffee Table Book On Lecterns I Definitely Didn’t Use To Launder Money To My Corrupt Friends
Lindsey Graham — How I’d Kill Ted Cruz And Get Away With It If I Wanted To
Melania Trump — Becoming Melania [Not to be confused with Michelle Obama’s book titled Becoming]
Elizabeth Markowitz, former White House Executive Chef for Donald Trump — The Art Of The Meal: An Unauthorized Tell-All About Our Former President’s Most Disturbing Eating Habits
Stephen Miller — Homemade Taxidermy: A Complete Guide On Killing, Gutting, Skinning, Stuffing, And Displaying Various Animals
Paul Ryan — Jellyfish: The Wisdom Of Nature’s Spineless Beauties
Barron Trump — Damning Secrets About My Dad My Mom Told Me In Case I’m Left Out Of His Will [Publication date pending]
Thanks for your eyeballs!
—Dash MacIntyre
My new prose poetry book, Cabaret No Stare, is available now. If you like the themes, attitude, and humor of my satirical work, you’ll like my poetry as well!
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