Dada News Headlines About Republicans In Disarray
Remember that each of these Dada news headlines are certifiably halfway true:
A group of 35 MAGA fans in Idaho are on a hunger strike, and say they will not eat again until every corporation in America renounces homosexuality.
Target employees say they can monitor when right wing, anti-gay protesters are coming to their store from the map on Grindr that shows users’ locations.
Ron DeSantis’s plan to give teachers guns is backfiring because now all of Florida’s teachers are forcing students at gunpoint to write essays on the history of drag queens and poetry about the majestic beauty of gay sex.
A virulently homophobic pastor from Arkansas who was recently hospitalized with a dildo up his butt claims Target employees snuck it into his cart, he unwittingly purchased it, and then he accidentally fell on it while praying.
Florida Republicans are trying to ban “feminine products” from regular stores so Christians don’t have to see them, and have proposed creating a DMV-like government building where women will have to get a ticket and wait hours in order to buy tampons, pads, and Vagisil.
QAnon fans say the Democrat-favoring debt ceiling deal is making them begin to worry that Joe Biden isn’t actually Donald Trump wearing Biden’s face as a disguise.
A top White House official says Kevin McCarthy cried on Joe Biden’s shoulder last night over the likelihood that their budget deal will make him lose his speakership after only 5 months.
Donald Trump says the criminal investigation into the classified documents he stole is a witch hunt because he made sure to cross out all the important details with his Sharpie marker before passing them on to the Saudis.
An increasingly paranoid Donald Trump is reportedly making his lawyers strip down to their underwear during meetings to ensure none of them are wearing secret recording devices.
Donald Trump was seen walking around the Mar-a-Lago lunch buffet today holding a “Russian For Dummies” book.
Lauren Boebert says that if Kevin McCarthy betrays America by passing Biden’s debt deal, she’s going to bring a gun onto the House floor.
Kevin McCarthy admits he was bested by Joe Biden in their debt ceiling negotiations saying, “Biden may be brain-dead, but White House staffers suspended his decaying corpse onto a system of ropes and pulleys and flew it in circles around the Oval Office terrifying me until I agreed to raise the debt ceiling!”
Donald Trump just told Fox News that he checked and can verify with 100% certainty there are no classified documents at his Bedminster golf course, so there’s no reason for the FBI to do another no-knock search.
The Proud Boys have turned down Vladimir Putin’s invite to fight for Russia in Ukraine explaining they’d rather harass gay people in the US.
Kevin McCarthy reportedly turned down an invitation to come stay the weekend at Mar-a-Lago to talk about the debt ceiling deal by telling Donald Trump, “No, I won’t let you film me doing that again.”
A leaked Russian memo shows that Trump sold top secret documents to Putin, but Russian officials were furious at how useless they were because they were 1 page each, written at an extremely dumbed-down level, and included Trump’s name with compliments in every sentence.
Democrats have proposed a national gun law that copies every voting restriction conservatives used during Jim Crow to stop Black people from voting. From now on, to buy an AR-15, gun customers will have to correctly guess how many jelly beans are in a jar.
There are reportedly 170 Republicans in the House who are willing to vote for gun control if their names can be kept anonymous so the NRA doesn’t find out who they are.
Florida Republicans are working on legislation that mandates the covering of female teachers’ breasts with thick clothes that hide their curves and forbid any form of cleavage, but they are struggling on figuring out how to keep it from looking like they’re demanding teachers wear Muslim burqas.
ISIS and al-Qaeda just endorsed the “Caliph of Florida” Ron DeSantis for president, and praised his efforts at sneaking Sharia law into the US.
Conservatives are now boycotting Oreos because they claim the cookies are grooming children into being tolerant of interracial, polyamorous relationships.
Bud Light just announced they’re done tiptoeing around fragile, snowflake bigots, and, from now on, every 18-pack will come with a can filled with silicone that’s designed on one end like an anus that invites all men, gay and straight, to jerk themselves off with.
QAnon says that if Democrats win full control of the government in 2024 they’re going to pass into law a new healthcare law called the “Affordable Adrenochrome Act” that mandates insurance companies provide baby blood for everyone.
Republican Louie Gohmert just shouted “How many holes do women have?” after apparently hearing for the first time that women don’t pee out of their vaginas during a House committee hearing on women’s health.
Six Republican state senators in Florida are calling for Florida to secede from the US to protect “states’ rights to ban gay people.” Two of them also want to re-legalize slavery, and another wants to marry a 12-year-old.
Donald Trump’s campaign just released a TV ad that shows 3 women in bikinis wrestling in an inflatable pool full of chocolate pudding before letting Trump lick it off their fingers with a voiceover saying, “Ron DeSantis eats his pudding alone.”
A GoFundMe campaign has raised $70,000 for the first person to catch conservative troll Matt Walsh in a pedophile sting operation, and the campaign’s founder says, “Matt Walsh is just too publicly fanatical about ‘groomers’ to not be one himself.”
Thanks for your eyeballs!
—Dash MacIntyre
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