2021's Darwin Award Goes To Conservative America
Right-wing medical Know Nothings are sticking it to Biden by dying so he fails to meet his vaccination goals.
The pandemic in America has now gone on for a year and a half, and could likely have been stopped in just three weeks last spring if conservative America hadn’t politicized the mere acknowledgment of COVID’s existence for months, and then existentially resisted the literally smallest infringement of freedom possible of merely wearing a mask to cover their mouths and noses when out in public, crowded places so other people are safe from their virally loaded exhales and verbal outbursts.
Tell your conservative friends, family, and social media acquaintances: all along THEY have been the ones infringing on EVERYONE ELSE’S freedom by prolonging and exacerbating the pandemic at every frustrating step.
Now COVID booster shots are being planned for further protection because COVID is resurgent with inevitable, extra-contagious variants, and vaccine-hesitant conservatives are turning their own immuno-safety into an individualist rights campaign deserving of a Darwin Award, the distinguished prize for those who generously neutralize their own contribution to the present’s society and the future’s gene pool. Just wait for conservatives to freak out when mask mandates get reinstated, which will be sarcastically great for the rest of us who are medically literate and socially responsible because it will be 100% conservatives’ fault if future variants conquer the vaccines and ruin the herd immunity we’ve accomplished so everyone has to distance and lockdown again.
…So anyone else losing moral patience with “COVIDIOTS” and their juvenile, childish concept of freedom that euphorically shuns every societal responsibility that freedom philosophically requires? They have the freedom to not get vaccinated or wear a mask, yes… but that moronic freedom ends when they insist on going into public spaces and potentially infecting dozens or hundreds of people in super-spreader events like ideological toddlers who can’t wear a mask for twenty-five minutes in a grocery store.
But these Darwin champions don’t deserve the patience we reserve for toddlers who don’t yet understand the full consequences of their actions because the people comparing masks to the Holocaust are adults… and every day call us Americans who take public health seriously “libtards,” “sheep,” and “fascists.” They’re annoying AND historically vulgar.
The militant ignorance is spectacular because the Republican Party full-heartedly endorses this natural de-selection for short-term, Trumpian political gain. Republicans from Ted Cruz to Louie Gohmert are waxing poetically about freedom, bodily autonomy, and individual rights, but we’re approaching the point at which the unvaccinated and publicly unthoughtful are primarily the GOP’s voters. Conservatives’ self-delusions are becoming self-destructions!
Imagine COVID continuing to mutate and spread variants requiring further booster shots that conservatives shun and abstain from. And who knows how many other future flus, coronaviruses, and diseases will be routinely kept in check by the revolution of mRNA vaccine technology. Will conservatives celebrate the freedom to die from those too? Will the Republican Party commit to an anti-vax, anti-medicine plank in their electoral platform to honor the freedom of choice to die?
Imagining the future, if COVID variants continue ravaging the unvaccinated and those who don’t take it seriously, and that obstinance increasingly becomes a political marker of conservatives’ cultural identity in the Republican voter base, at some point it will begin affecting elections. There are thousands of political races across the country at the local and state level decided by just a few hundred votes or less. Some races are won by single-digits. If conservatives in rural towns and exurban cities continue to die needlessly to stick it to the elitist experts of Big Science, then it could very well result in GOP-controlled school boards, city councils, county commissions and electoral districts turning purple and blue.
I take no satisfaction in writing this, but the more that society’s liberals and Democrats in government implore, try to reason with, knock door-to-door, and even try to bribe the nation’s medical Know Nothings with lotteries to act upon our collective responsibility to contain pandemics, the more the political Right doubles down. President Biden is begging conservatives to protect themselves daily, and Republicans are delighted to encourage vaccination hesitancy in order to keep immunization rates under the Biden Administration’s target goals to make him look bad. The GOP has chosen to self-own with utter contempt for their voters’ health and lives.
It’s unsurprising that a map of COVID vaccination rates correlates quite precisely with the 2020 electoral map. Donald Trump caused this by politicizing the virus and all the medical recommendations intended to mitigate its hazards, and his mishandling of the crisis at virtually every step lost the GOP the presidency and the Senate… which makes it even more absurd that Republicans would continue to risk their voters’ lives to gain a little wedge issue anger from their most irate rank and file who aren’t popularly successful to begin with (obligatory reminder that in my 30 years of life Republicans have won the presidential popular vote ONE TIME in 2004!). It would add real insult to injury and be quite a historical self-own if Republicans ruin their own forthcoming gerrymanders because the voters they draw their redistricting maps around preventably die.
So The Halfway Café wholeheartedly nominates Conservative America for 2021’s Darwin Award!
Poem time!
Cancel Robin Walters
robin walters cured cancer
all of them at once
in a stroke of biochemical genius
but he also one time got mad
in the middle of having a bad day
at a woman who happened to be black
so on the off chance he might have been racist
we’ll write it on his collar
put it on his encyclopedia page
and never let anyone discuss his achievements
without one of us yelling out
reminding the audience he once had a bad day
and yelled at a woman who happened to be black.
fuck robin walters forever
he deserves to get cancer.
God In Arkansas
I found god in arkansas driving past
a monumental neo-classical pentecostal church
with massive columns sculpted grand
like marble behemoths of athenian splendor
towering above luxury cars in the parking lot
and god told me the church deserved to burn
and for the columns to fall on those sedans
cause that flock wasn’t spending enough
donatable money on the poor
and they should know that’s not allowed
so I obliged the lord.
Further Reading
A humor article I got published at Little Old Lady Comedy! Check it out and some of the other funny writers they publish!
A classic Halfway Post article I wrote satirizing Evangelical COVID morons:
Pastor Who Claimed “Only 100% Hell-Bound Pedo Gays Get COVID” Just Got COVID
Thanks for your digital eyeball attention!
—Dash MacIntyre
Your an ignorant fuck! It's not a vaccine as it does not stop anybody from getting the Kung-Flu. You can still carry it and infect others. The so called vaccine MIGHT help you not have such a tough go IF you get it. I personally know of people who were FULLY vaccinated who died and this included the booster shot. I also personally know of people who died shortly after receiving the shot. Get your so called facts straight. But then again who cares about you anyway. There is no comments and I seriously doubt many people have read this article. Your just a nobody and I've wasted my time as your just going to delete this anyway. Now go back in your parents basement and have another Hot Pocket.
Well written article