Doctors Named A New STD “Neisseria MAGArrhea” In Honor Of Trump
A newly discovered STD scientifically named Neisseria MAGArrhea was named after Donald Trump’s political movement because its discoverers thought the red coloration it causes on the tips of men’s penises look like the penises are wearing little, red MAGA hats.
“This MAGArrhea STD is a real nuisance,” explained Dr. Thomas Beck, “and the way it weasels its way into the urethra to cause a burning sensation makes it an exceptionally annoying infection to get. It kind of reminded me the way MAGA fans won’t stop trying to end American democracy to cultishly protect the fragile, frail ego of Donald Trump, who is American history’s preeminent, narcissistic sociopath.”
Unfortunately, Neisseria MAGArrhea appears to be particularly resistant to antibiotics.
“This STD’s ability to withstand penicillin treatments is kind of like how MAGA fans are impervious to suggestions that Donald Trump is not a good businessman, and has consistently made terrible deals over decades for himself, the Trump Organization, and America,” continued Dr. Beck. “And impervious to evidence that Trump isn’t, and never has been, a believer in Jesus or God. And impervious to the reality that Trump is obviously guilty of a cornucopia of crimes he’s currently being methodically prosecuted for. Another symptom of MAGArrhea is it creates sores that smell bad up close, kind of like how the idea that everyone in the world is a liar, except — of all people — Donald Trump, smells like shit. I guess it’s arguably unprofessional for a doctor like me to so vulgarly insert politics into my medical work, but I think if Trump’s cruel presidency and political career full of juvenile, sociopathic, and fascist tendencies adoringly embraced by millions of MAGA fans prove anything, it’s that nothing really matters anymore, and there’s no consequences whatsoever for childishly injecting political controversy and insanity into every aspect of our lives. Really, what facet of decency or decorum in our nation has Donald Trump not personally marred with his therapist’s nightmare psychopathy? Have you ever counted up all the people who have worked for Trump and said he’s either an idiot or the greatest collection of awful personality traits and immorality they’ve ever encountered? Rex Tillerson, Gary Cohn, Michael Cohen, Omarosa Manigault Newman, Anthony Scaramucci, H.R. McMaster, Dan Coats, Jim Mattis, Mark Milley, Mark Esper, John Bolton, John Kelly, Miles Taylor, and Bill Barr all have said publicly they either think Trump is stupid, unfit for the job, shouldn’t be reelected, or all of the above. Mike Pence, Chris Christie, and Nikki Haley all were hired by Trump, and are running against him for president. What other person in US history has ever alarmed anywhere near as many underlings? Or burned so many bridges? Or earned such derision from his own hirees? Donald Trump, and his MAGA political movement that thoughtlessly mistakes his bigoted, ethno-nationalist demagoguery for populism, have truly earned the dishonor this scientific classification of Neisseria MAGArrhea represents.”
Dr. Beck sighed, then went on.
“It is truly astonishing that Biden is not up in the polls by 95%. Trump brazenly politicized every aspect of our government and culture he touched. And to add insult to our national injury, he got away with being a terrible president surviving a record two impeachments, one of which was for extorting a US ally, Ukraine, for personal political gain. And the other was for instigating a literal violent coup attempt. He brought no professionalism to the White House, and took no aspect of his role as chief executive seriously. No sacred honor or civic responsibility of the Office of the Presidency impressed him. He can’t even pretend to care about dead and wounded soldiers. Especially if it’s raining because his hair might get wet. He used to harass Forbes Magazine and variously beg and threaten them to inflate their projections of his wealth. He has more feuds with people relevant or not than ever before in American history. He is a hurricane of tempestuous juvenility, and has exhausted us for too long with his endless whining, complaining, bitching, and projecting. He was regularly stopped from breaking laws against executive autocracy by his underlings who have admitted to sometimes stealing awful memos and executive orders from his desk. And somehow Trump is so dumb that it works! He just totally forgets about some awful piece of garbage policy he wanted to sign. It’s just mind-numbingly idiotic how stupid, impulsive and easily manipulated he is by everyone, especially foreign diplomats and dictatorial leaders. Aw, look at me go. It’s deranged that a US president could be so militantly belligerent and terrible for the country that he makes incredibly educated people like me furious just thinking about the stain he is on our national culture, government, and history that he ever got elected with an Electoral College technicality victory. Everything about Donald Trump is repulsive to the ideals of sanity, normalcy, and liberal democracy, and he’s so sociopathically self-serving that his red MAGA hat wearing supporters cheering him on are really doing to America what Neisseria MAGArrhea does to the poor, unfortunate penises it infects. A painful burning infection that oozes with smelly pus.”
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