Donald Trump Is A Poetic Artist Of Stupidity
When my first comedy book came out, I included in it a bunch of poems I wrote as if Donald Trump wrote them. A few of them I made up from scratch, but most of them were parodies of other famous poems. These might be the most clever things I’ve ever written 😜
A Very Stable Genius
No one gives me credit for my record-breaking brain,
They worry much more about giving me the blame,
But all the controversy and drama is quite needless
Because I’m really quite a stable genius.On foreign policy I’m the Vincent Van Gogh,
Abandoning the Kurds and threatening NATO,
I’ve been smarter than the generals since I was a fetus
Because I’m really quite a stable genius.I maybe threatened war with evil North Korea,
And asked if I could nuke Iran and its Sharia,
But I knew they’d back down with a case of small penis
Because I’m really quite a stable genius.I inspire incels and threaten civic violence,
I urge my fans to buck quarantine compliance,
For my voters and fans I’m bigger than Jesus
Because I’m really quite a stable genius.To top it all off I’m a beautiful specimen,
So I can kiss and grab anyone with estrogen.
How do I know I’m America’s male Venus?
Because I’m really quite a stable genius.
Ode To Ted Cruz
Ted Cruz is a monster unleashed accidentally,
He deserves an electric chair kind of death penalty.
His birth was not vaginal or even Caesarian,
He was found in a pile of cemetery carrion.Ted Cruz, you’re mushy with no solid core,
You’d still suck up if I called your wife “whore.”
When you lose reelection and scream and complain,
A bipartisan Congress will pop some champagne!
Megyn Kelly’s Wherever
Blood! Everywhere! It’s smelly and glutinous,
And came from Megyn Kelly’s nasty uterus!
The children are scared, everyone is screaming,
Megyn’s hellish flow is endlessly streaming!The debate stage has flooded, it’s practically a river,
All of Real America joined with me to quiver!
The chaotic source must be wider than China,
All of Satan’s devils spilled out of her vagina!She had a look in her eye that terrified my soul,
I said someone quick! Get her some birth control!
She made me feel sick, and I felt like a wussy,
We have to plug up her ungrabbable pussy!
The Party Not Taken
(Inspired by Robert Frost)
Two parties diverged looking for candidates that were good
And sorry I could not win the nomination of both
And be one businessman, long I stood
And thought of Democrats as much as I could
and if its voters were gullible for a populist oath;Then took the other party, a little bit dumb,
And having perhaps a little less brains,
Conspiratorial, and envying my income;
Though as for what the red team’s become
’Twas easier to pretend to feel their pains.And all that year in their hearts did I trod,
I left no bigotry unplucked or ignored.
Conquered my foes with my alpha facade
Yet despite Jeb’s low energy — they would not applaud —
I doubted I’d ever be the White House landlord!I shall be telling this story with a deep sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two parties diverged in sixteen, and I —
I took the one with nativist fury in its eye,
And my racist rants made all the difference.
Ted Cruz, Shall I Compare Thee To A Summer’s Turd?
(Inspired by William Shakespeare)
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s turd?
Thou art more sticky and more malodorous:
Rough winds do waft your feculence undeterred,
And your derrière hath aromatics unjustly onerous.
Sometime too hot the eye of Hell shines,
And often does his complexion look Cruz’d;
And every boner and moistness declines,
In lieu of being near him all’d rather be deuce’d.
But thy eternal miasma shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that disgust you inspire,
Nor shall death brag he is similarly portrayed,
Or feel it fair for the damned to smell your stench in fire.
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and gives warning of thee.
Impeached Boy Blues
(Inspired by Langston Hughes)
When I was in my tower
Sunshine seemed like gold.
Since I come to D.C. de
Whole damn world’s turned cold.I was a good boy,
Never done no wrong.
Just a few laws here and there
But Democrats don’t play along.I fell in love with
A Big Lie I thought was fine,
But my fans stormed the Capitol
And Nancy lost her mind.Weary, weary,
Weary of testifying sworn.
I’s so weary
I wish I’d never been born!
Washington D.C.
(Inspired by Langston Hughes)
What happens to a second term deferred?
Does it wash up
Like a deadbeat on the shore?
Or fester like a loser —
And then run again in four?
Does it stink to be noncontiguously elite?
Or disappear, passed over —
Like a banned tweet?Maybe it just snags
Unloved by the penal code.I’d rather explode!
Wisconsin, I Love You
Wisconsin, my dear, I admit I love you,
No one thought you’d ever commit.
For decades you’ve always reliably been blue,
But MAGA convinced you this time to split.Between you and Michigan and the rural PA,
You were the biggest surprise of them all!
Hillary didn’t visit so you made her pay,
And helped crumble apart her alleged blue wall!So thank you, Wisconsin, I hold you so dear,
And will never forget the honor you’ve brought.
…Unless you flip back and my votes disappear,
In which case you’re dead to me and you can all rot.
Thirteen Ways Of Looking At A President
(Inspired by Wallace Stevens)
I
Among copious elitist billionaires,
The only tremendous thing
Was the big brain of the President.II
I was of three minds
Like my three wives,
I’m past due for a fourth.III
My hair whirled under the ceiling fan.
Time for some more hairspray.IV
A man and a country
Are one.
A man and a country and an Electoral College
I won.V
I do not know which to prefer,
The beauty of impeachment acquittal
Or the beauty of revenge,
The Democrats losing
Or just after.VI
Her revulsion filled the doorway
With barbaric disgust.
The shadow of the younger wife
Crossed it, to and fro.
The mood
Traced in the shadow:
Sex tonight is a lost cause.VII
O, liberal women of cities
Why do you imagine female presidents?
Do you not see how the male Commander-in-Chief
Walks around the locker rooms
Of the women about you?VIII
I know tax evasions
And lucid, legal loopholes;
But I know, too,
That Russian oligarchs are involved
In what I know.IX
When another chief of staff resigned,
It marked the edge
Of one of many ovals.X
At the sight of buxom daughter
Walking down the hallway,
Even my rod of euphoria
Would cry out sharply.XI
He flew over flyover country
In his airborne coach.
Once, a fear pierced him,
In that he mistook
The fault of someone else
For his own.XII
The retweets are adding.
The President must be winning.XIII
It was executive time all afternoon.
Fox News was playing
And it was going to play.
The President sat
In his bed with his phone. 🥃
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Beautiful disaster , as 311 might say
Brilliant!