Donald Trump Is Now Teaching Bible Lessons At A Megachurch
Donald Trump has a shaky grasp of the Bible, and it’s always obvious he has no clue what he’s talking about when he tries to answer questions about his favorite Bible stories. But he’s not letting that stop him from teaching Bible lessons!
These are the Bible stories he talked about:
The Ark
“A lot of people don’t know this, but Jesus was a great boatbuilder. Maybe the best boatbuilder of all time. His Ark was just incredible, especially at that time. A lot of people had no idea arks could be so great. The way he sailed the Jewish people out of Egypt to the Promised Land of Sodomy and Gonorrhea during the Great Flood showed such intelligence and courage. He must have had a big brain. Sometimes I wonder how the brains of the Trump family compare to the big brains of the Christ family. The doctor told my mother when I was born, ‘Ma’am, your baby has the biggest brain I’ve ever seen!’ I wonder if baby Jesus’s doctor said the same thing to Mrs. Christ. In a way, building arks is kind of like building big, beautiful hotels. Me and Jesus sure are similar, aren’t we, folks?”
The Trojan War
“The Trojan War was one of the greats, wasn’t it? It’s right up there with the other great American wars, like World War II, the Civil War, the war of… and all the other big, beautiful wars. That was back when American won its wars. The generals used to tell me, ‘Sir, if only you had been president back then, we’d have won the Trojan War so much faster!’ But Jesus was a good general too. His idea to build the wooden horse was so smart. And then he snuck out and opened the gate so America could win. A lot of people don’t know this, but after the war he had a lot of trouble getting back home to Bethlehem. Jesus got lost at sea, there was an evil cyclops, and some sirens turned his Disciples into pigs!”
The Battle Against the Minotaur
“Jesus defeated so many evil, nasty monsters for mankind. You wouldn’t believe how dangerous the world was before Jesus came around. And it wasn’t easy. No one could do what Jesus did. Only the true savior of mankind could go through the labyrinth without getting lost or eaten by the Minotaur. People say my Electoral College victory over Crooked Hillary reminded them of Jesus navigating King Midas’s big maze, and me winning Wisconsin when everyone said I couldn’t was like Jesus finding the Golden Fleece when everyone told Jesus it was impossible!”
Defeating Medusa
“Having to deal with Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, and Megyn Kelly makes me know exactly how Jesus felt dealing with Medusa. Those are the four nastiest women of all time. Fortunately for Jesus, he only had to fight one of them! After seeing how much blood was coming out of Megyn Kelly’s wherever on that Fox News debate stage when she was so mean to me and so vicious like no one has ever been vicious before, I’d rather take my chances with Medusa and all her snakes than have to answer another nasty question from Megyn Kelly!”
The Eagle
“Jesus had a lot of mean people do bad things to him, which I totally relate to. People tell me all the time, ‘Sir, we can’t believe how unfair you’ve been treated your entire life! You’re just like Jesus the way the fake news media crucifies you every day with their lies!’ And I don’t like to compare myself to Jesus, but you wouldn’t believe what it feels like to be the most successful president of all time, except maybe Lincoln — but I think I’d beat him if I had to run against him — when the fake news attacks me every day. It makes me feel just like Jesus up on the cross with the eagle and its razor sharp claws coming down to tear open his chest and eat his liver every day for eternity in punishment by God for giving people the gift of fire, and turning their water into wine, and curing all the leopards of whatever diseases big cats used to get back then!”
The Ides of March
“I think the greatest tragedy, maybe of all time, was when Jesus was stabbed by the Senators in Rome after all he did for the Romans. I tear up every time I think of Jesus whispering to his trusted Disciple, ‘Et tu, Brutus?’ It reminds me of how Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger betrayed me by not finding the 11,780 votes I needed to beat Joe Biden! I maybe even had it worse than Jesus, because he didn’t have any evil socialist Democrats to steal the election for Messiah from him!”
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