Donald Trump Is Searching Far And Wide For A New Lawyer With The “It Factor”
The following is Donald Trump’s job listing for a new lawyer who will keep him out of jail and turn around public perception of his crimes:
JOB DESCRIPTION
The Former President of the United States (FPOTUS) Donald J. Trump is looking for a new lawyer to join his growing legal team, and help fight, delay, and obstruct several ongoing criminal investigations including for fraud, insurrection, and espionage! Love for a fast-paced work environment is a must, as our team has very high turnover.
*** MUST be willing to sign an all-inclusive non-disclosure agreement! ***
QUALIFICATIONS
Previous on-air TV experience from Fox News, OAN, or Newsmax
Blondes strongly preferred (an “Ivanka-esque” look will be given preferential treatment for women)
Big breasts (inquire about our new-hire bonus of free implants) for women, full head of hair (inquire about our new-hire bonus of hair implants) for men
Team player and a clean criminal record (you may be expected to claim guilt for a couple crimes and/or obstruct justice, you know, for the team, but pardons will be negotiable if Trump is reelected)
Intimate knowledge of the fast food menus at McDonalds and KFC
Must have a good memory because we are a paperless office so there’s no paper trail or physical records of anything we do or say (if you do need to write notes, you will be expected to flush them or eat them)
Some plumbing experience is a plus, particularly unclogging paper jams in our memo toilets!
RESPONSIBILITIES
Fetch FPOTUS a can of Diet Coke every 37 minutes (due to his extreme physiological dependence on aspartame, he will go berserk if you’re more than 45-seconds late)
Flush (or eat) all handwritten notes from FPOTUS
Occasionally light janitorial work, such as cleaning ketchup off walls and sweeping up broken plate shards and half-eaten burgers
Schedule trial schedules for FPOTUS with various prosecutors in several federal jurisdictions and state governments, assist FPOTUS in crafting press statements, and conduct follow-up calls to the journalists and reporters clarifying that FPOTUS’s statements were neither threats nor attempted witness tampering
Be proactive and a self-starter at claiming “executive privilege” and “attorney-client privilege” when interacting with any courthouse officials or the media
Coordinate legal strategies with a revolving cast of co-conspirators, underlings, yes-men, and blackmailed members of Congress
Stalk and spy on Republican members of Congress to blackmail them into loyalty, occasionally earn overtime driving to their houses in the middle of the night and looking through their trash
Help enforce a two-drink maximum on Rudy Giuliani during regular business hours if he is around
Spray Steve Bannon with Febreze when he comes around so his homeless-adjacent stench doesn’t stink up the office (his stench somehow clings to the couches he sits on for days)
Spray FPOTUS with cologne so his infamous bad body odor doesn’t embarrass him (we’ve tried everything to mitigate the smell and nothing works, so just get used to it fast)
Use Craigslist to hire Black people for “Blacks 4 Trump” appearances at campaign rallies
Follow Rudy Giuliani, Mark Meadows, and Melania Trump around town, and investigate any hints that they might be trying to turn state’s witness to testify against FPOTUS
Do NOT EVER mention windmills, the water pressure, Obama, Georgia, Arizona, Ukraine, Zelensky, Pelosi, exercise, heart disease, Jack Smith, January 6th, his inauguration crowd size, Melania’s fidelity, or Eric when FPOTUS is around
BENEFITS
Payday in “two weeks”
Proximity to classified and top secret documents the FBI didn’t find (while supplies last)
Casual appraisals of your physical appearance daily by the former owner of the Miss Universe pageants
If FPOTUS wants to make a move on you he’ll take you out furniture shopping first
You’ll be around many powerful people in Republican politics, and see FPOTUS humiliate them often (you’ll love “The Kennel,” and seeing Kevin McCarthy, Mike Johnson, Ted Cruz, and Lindsey Graham spend hours locked inside it)
Complimentary Adderall
There’s often free makeup available when FPOTUS buys a foundation that isn’t orange enough.
Working for the greatest president in US history who has been treated more unfairly than every other president combined despite the fact that he accomplished more than all the others, and there was no Russian collusion, no quid pro quo, and he won more votes than any president before him, but the evil, totally corrupt Democrats perpetrated the two impeachment hoaxes and stole the election and gave it to the biggest enemy of the people ever, Joe Biden, who is totally brain dead and has been more terrible than anyone could ever believe, and is ruining America so much it’s a disgrace, and he’s perpetrating the worst assault on America in history by directing the FBI to raid Mar-a-Lago and plant all the documents that were declassified by Trump anyway and everyone’s talking about how they remember so clearly when Trump declassified them, and the FBI is guilty of the worst Election Rigging Scam and state-sanctioned burglary maybe of all time so we must REDO THE ELECTION and STOP THE STEAL
TO APPLY
Cover letter must be no more than two paragraphs. Including FPOTUS’s name in every sentence is STRONGLY RECOMMENDED.
Letters of recommendation from dictators are quite welcome!
Pay a $50 application fee, a $50 resumé reading fee, a $50 resumé filing fee, and a $50 non-disclosure agreement filing fee
Mail several printed out nudes to Mar-a-Lago so FPOTUS can determine if you have the “Trump lawyer It Factor” if you’re a woman, or write out a time you think you were were unfairly accused of sexual assault if you’re a man
Pay a $50 nudes filing fee or $50 sex adventure reading fee
Join Truth Social and post five Truths accusing Nikki Haley of being an illegal immigrant ineligible to run for president, and show FPOTUS during interview
Write and send a letter to NBCUniversal at the end of your interview while being monitored to tell them that you’d love it if they produced another season of The Apprentice featuring Trump as president firing his cabinet members for not being loyal enough
Tips: Bring an 18-pack of Diet Coke cans to the interview, say FPOTUS’s name a lot (he really likes hearing his full name, not just “Trump”), show cleavage if you’re a woman and maybe bend over a few times, say either racist or sexist things if you’re a man, express that you think it’s genius to have America abandon our NATO allies and it’s totally not just because that’s what would be spectacular for Putin’s land grab dreams, remark that his hands are even bigger than you expected, tell him he totally could have dated Ivanka if he weren’t her father — he’ll really love all that
We look forward* to meeting you.
No fuglies
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