Donald Trump Is Terrified Of Prison, And Is Turning Into A Recluse
Donald Trump has reportedly not reacted well to his various indictments and criminal investigations, and is increasingly worried, paranoid, scared, and jumpy anytime he hears a sudden noise, which makes him jump up and scream, “The FBI is here! Flush all the classified documents down the toilets! Run!”
We can add this fear to Trump’s other extensive list of fears and phobias:
His father’s psychological coldness and ceaseless emotional abuse. Several times an hour, Fred Trump’s voice rings out in Donald’s head saying, “You’re a loser, Donny, and everyone knows you’re a fraud!”
Public humiliation of any kind to the point that he tried to violently end American democracy rather than admit he lost a second consecutive popular vote.
Sharks. He hasn’t entirely submerged himself into any body of water since the 1960s. He did accidentally fall off a boat into the ocean in 2007, but found that his body floated thanks to his arteries being so full of Big Mac sauce.
All the future films and TV series that will undoubtedly mock his mannerisms, absurd physical appearance, gluttony, vanity, and plethora of other personality vices and character flaws. He regrets that he will not be able to sue people from the grave.
His elaborate hair combover and follicle implants getting wet, and ruining his daily, two-hour routine of molding the thee feet of grown out mullet hair in the back up and across the top of his bald scalp, and then folded back down to the back with a whole can of hair spray.
Confident, strong, independent women. He doesn’t know why they make him feel so small and weak, but it might be because in his college days his hot female classmates all made it a school-wide game to stand him up on dates, and they kept a notebook cataloguing all these embarrassments, as well as the number of times he was caught trying to sneak into women’s bathrooms and locker rooms.
People finding out he has never been a real billionaire, and only got on the Forbes list of wealthiest people through a combination of bribery, threats, and incredibly persistent begging. He regularly sues people who compile those lists for damaging his brand, but then drops the lawsuits when it comes time for discovery.
One of his many wives or porn star flings poisoning him. He makes Barron try any drinks or foods that Melania brings him as an insurance against her spiking them with hemlock, arsenic, or other deadly toxins.
Hearing the Slovenian language being spoken. Every time he walks into the same room as Melania and Barron, she points at his crotch and they laugh saying, “Goba v hlačah!” Melania has given Barron dozens of compromising photos of Donald naked and stored them safely in bank boxes for Barron to stay in Donald’s will even after their inevitable divorce.
Ivanka dismembering Eric and Don Jr., and then mailing the body parts to Barron and Tiffany as a warning not to f*ck with her. Ivanka was a big murderer of animals as a child, and strangled the family cat when they were little. She then smeared the cat’s blood all over her body, and told Eric, “Someday, I will do this to you, too, only you’re going to suffer much more than Sprinkles did!”
Donald Jr. ruining the “Donald Trump” name and brand after he dies. He wishes he had instead named Ivanka “Donaldina” as his eponymous heir because she is not a total idiot, reject, and failure at everything she does like Don Jr. has always been. Also, Ivanka has fewer psychologically scarring daddy issues on account of his incestual physical attraction to her, which means she got plenty of attention, praise, and emotional validation while growing up, unlike Don Jr.
All the people he has forced or bribed into signing nondisclosure agreements spilling their secrets on the same day because he can’t find enough lawyers to represent him in the DOJ’s criminal investigations so he’d never find enough lawyers to sue them all at the same time.
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Once again, the line between parody and fact is hard to discern with this monstrous POS and his execrable family. The Sprinkles the cat anecdote was the clue. At least for itself, not necessarily the other items.
And Melania will be a Mar-a-Largo escapee. Run! Run! Run!