Donald Trump's Dating Tips For Alpha Males Like Him
The following are Donald Trump’s best dating tips:
“It’s easy to impress women on dates by walking into the restaurant and announcing to all the other diners that you’re going to pay for all their meals. Of course, I always leave without buying anyone anything — why would I really buy dinner for all those losers? — but it makes you look good in front of your date!”
“Girls always play hard to get, so it’s best to sneak up on them and surprise them. I’m sure you’ve seen the whole grab-’em-by-the-you-know-what video. The fake news media attacks me so much for that, but I’m telling the truth! You can’t let women know you’re about to grab them because then they swat your hands away!”
“It’s hard to do ever since I got famous, but when I was in high school and college, I’d always pretend to be blind and get a cane and some real dark sunglasses, and then fake stumble my way into the women’s locker rooms and bathrooms. Great way to see some skin.”
“I like to pretend to fall around women so I can reach out and grab their boobs. Works like a charm as long as they don’t try to sue you. But always keep some cash on you so you can bribe them to sign a quick non-disclosure agreement!”
“Order meals for your dinner dates. Sometimes the girls want to eat steaks, or burgers, or other big entrées, and then they get full and are less attractive. I ALWAYS order for my dates so I can get them tiny little salads instead. And NO desserts! If I’m paying, they’re not going to get anything fattening (and this will save you a lot of money over the years!).”
“Unfortunately, you likely have my faulty hair genetics, so plan to start fixing some balding issues around your early 30’s. It’s the only instance of Trump DNA not being perfect. But you should be thankful hair regeneration procedures are much more modern now. When I was desperate to bring back my hair in the 80s, the treatments were really nasty, and I put so many chemicals on my scalp that the doctors warned me I was endangering my brain, but they didn’t know who they were dealing with because I’ve always been the smartest person in every room I’ve ever been in. I know more about everything than everyone. Went to Wharton, top of my class, big brain, you know all that! Although, all those chemicals that are now banned in Europe didn’t ultimately help my hair situation.”
“Drill some peepholes in the stall walls of women’s public bathrooms, and then put on high heels so when you sit on the toilet for a while waiting for women to come in it looks like a woman is there. Then peep. If you know, you know.”
“Chivalry is way overrated, so don’t waste your time pretending. Men are just more important in this world than women. Besides, why should my hair get wet because me and Melania only have one umbrella? My hair takes way longer to get ready than hers!”
“Always cheat on your girlfriends and wives. Have as many kids both legitimate and bastard as you can, just try to have more girls because daughters turn out better, and much hotter. I’ve done six paternity tests on Eric because the apple really fell far from the tree with him, and I’m embarrassed to say he’s really mine. But Barron turned out well because Melania is quite a looker. Not so much now that she’s over 50, but in her prime modeling days, wow! Do yourself a favor and Google ‘Melania naked’ sometime. I’ve married some beauties, haven’t I? Too bad Ivanka is off limits!”
Follow me on Twitter, Threads, Spoutible, or Post.News to interrupt your daily doomscrolling with Dada news, and follow me on Medium to keep up with my daily writing studio.
Also check out my book “Satire In The Trump Years: The Best Of The Halfway Post,” available on Barnes & Noble and Amazon.
Check out my poetry book Cabaret No Stare, available in print and on Kindle.
ХА-ХА-ХА . . . . . . . .