Donald Trump’s Terrible Week Explained
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These following headlines you likely missed explain the week of Donald Trump’s delusions and Republican absurdities:
BREAKING: Marjorie Taylor Greene says all MAGA patriots should write “Let’s Go Brandon” all over their ballots when they vote.
BREAKING: Former Secret Service official Tony Ornato still hasn’t testified under oath about his denials that Donald Trump regularly choked out Secret Service agents, made them swear loyalty to him, taste his food for poison, spray tan his naked body, and send him pics from Ivanka’s beach vacations.
BREAKING: After Donald Trump asked Don Jr. if he ever wanted to run for president, Don Jr. reportedly asked “Did they drug test you?”
BREAKING: Donald Trump watched the FL governor debate between Ron DeSantis and Charlie Crist today, and reportedly threw ketchup on the walls with glee over how awkward and beatable DeSantis will be in 2024. He wrote “I will beat Ron” on the wall in ketchup with his finger, and then remarked to Lindsey Graham, who was hanging out at Mar-a-Lago, “Wouldn’t it be hot if Ivanka came out only wearing a bikini made of ketchup?”
BREAKING: The Texas GOP just passed a resolution claiming that the clitoris and female orgasm don’t exist.
EXCLUSIVE: Donald Trump interrupted a birthday party last night at Mar-a-Lago to complain about Mitch McConnell not “bending the knee,” and he told everyone to skip voting for senators this election so that McConnell doesn’t get to be the Majority Leader.
BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly thinking about suing the RNC for a billion dollars for damaging his brand by letting him lose to Joe Biden in 2020.
BREAKING: A new poll of likely Republican voters found that Ted Cruz is the “least f*ckable senator.”
BREAKING: Ivanka Trump says it’s unfair how everyone criticizes her husband for getting $2 billion from the Saudi government, but they never acknowledge that last year he donated $500 to charity.
BREAKING: An anti-porn GOP Senator dropped his briefcase during a Fox News interview in a Congressional hallway, and spilled out several Playboy magazines from the 80s.
BREAKING: GOP Senator Louie Frinze says America’s women should start dressing in “much more drab and ignorable fashions,” and stop going to beaches, pools, gyms, and anywhere else where their untamed, jiggling, Satanic breasts might “offend good, God-fearing Christian men.”
BREAKING: Herschel Walker says he’ll pass legislation that would build a giant fan on the Pacific coast to “blow all of China’s bad air back to China.”
BREAKING: Texas Republicans are debating a bill that would ban “all forms of female cleavage” including the following: boobs, camel toe, dresses with slits in them showing off legs, shorts showing women’s knees, and even the “hedonistic flaunting” of women’s ankles.
BREAKING: Marjorie Taylor Greene just put a statue of testicles on her desk in the Capitol with a plaque that says “I own Kevin McCarthy.”
EXCLUSIVE: Donald Trump Jr. reportedly had an existential epiphany last night after contemplating Joe Biden’s continued love for his son Hunter that his own father, Donald Trump, was a terrible dad.
BREAKING: Angry Mar-a-Lago visitors are asking for refunds after Donald Trump keeps eating all the fried chicken in the buffet during lunch and dinner.
BREAKING: Kevin McCarthy just admitted to Sean Hannity that, if he’s elected as Speaker of the House, he’ll “still be Donald Trump’s most loyal hoe.”
BREAKING: A Florida televangelist who runs monthly mud wrestling competitions for straight Christian men claims Dr. Fauci snuck a “gay love potion” into his COVID vaccine, and that’s why he has been propositioning men for liaisons in gas station bathrooms for the last 2 years.
BREAKING: Donald Trump just admitted to a child at Mar-a-Lago that it’s absolutely torturous to live the life he lives.
BREAKING: Donald Trump claims Joe Biden slipped nuclear secrets in his pocket at the inauguration to frame him, but he didn’t say anything about it because he didn’t want to ruin Biden’s big moment.
BREAKING: Donald Trump says he won’t pay any taxes until the DOJ stops investigating him for tax fraud.
BREAKING: Donald Trump interrupted a birthday party at Mar-a-Lago tonight and talked about how he has a better beach body than Joe Biden.
BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly furious that all his new lawyers are demanding up-front payments in cash. “Why do they not trust me?” he reportedly asked his top advisers.
BREAKING: Donald Trump is demanding the FBI return all his McDonalds coupons he was keeping mixed in with the nuclear secrets they confiscated from Mar-a-Lago.
BREAKING: QAnon says “Woke Bible writers” snuck in too much “socialist propaganda” in the Gospels, and that Christians should stop reading the Bible because it’s not the “real Jesus.”
BREAKING: Mike Lindell says he’s starting to suspect Donald Trump has exploited his gullibility.
BREAKING: Donald Trump complained to Sean Hannity that the fake news always showed footage of him golfing while president, but never showed any footage of him weightlifting before and after.
BREAKING: The Proud Boys currently on trial for January 6th say they can’t believe Donald Trump would back out of his promises to pay their legal fees.
BREAKING: Dr. Mehmet Oz vows to voters he won’t kill any more puppies until at least after the election.
BREAKING NEWS: The FBI has released a warning for parents in the D.C. area that former Trump adviser Stephen Miller will be out lurking the streets on Halloween looking for children to feed upon.
BREAKING: Donald Trump told Melania to be “more like Hitler’s wife.”
EXCLUSIVE: Mitch McConnell just accidentally said on a hot mic that Republican primary voters have “turned me into a cum dumpster because of how many times they’ve fucked me picking unelectable Senate candidates.”
BREAKING: Donald Trump says if he gets imprisoned, all of his supporters should get themselves incarcerated too in solidarity.
BREAKING: The GOP emailed donors this morning claiming that Democrats want to change the national anthem to N.W.A.’s “Fuck Tha Police.”
BREAKING: Donald Trump says his peace deal proposal for Russia and Ukraine will make both sides win so much they’re going to get tired of winning.
BREAKING: Marjorie Taylor Green claims Democrats want to change the Pledge of Allegiance to this: “I pledge my butthole to the flag of ISIS, and to the Biden regime, for which it stands, one communist commune, under Allah, all transexual, with socialism and abortions for all.”
BREAKING: Donald Trump just shared a post from QAnon saying all MAGA fans should kneel on the floor and pray in the direction of Mar-a-Lago 5 times a day, and at some point in their lives they should make a pilgrimage to Trump’s resort and rent a suite for the weekend.
BREAKING: Donald Trump says that the FBI stole all of Melania’s belongings, abducted her, and even forged a virtually perfect fake letter from Melania to him in which she says she never loved him.
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