Elon Musk Is Distracting Trump With Fake AI News While He Takes Over

And this week's other Dada News headlines!

Photo by Kaboompics.com

• A whistleblower at the White House claims Elon Musk is running everything while Trump sits in the Oval Office signing hundreds of meaningless executive orders he doesn’t read close enough to realize they’re just made up to distract him.

• While Elon Musk’s crew of college dropout incels has been taking over the government, Donald Trump reportedly spent all week cold-calling dozens of GOP members of Congress daily and asking them to earmark money for replacing Lincoln on Mt. Rushmore with his face.

• A top New York City police official says, “Way too many people are urinating on Trump Tower at any given moment to arrest them all.”

• Trump reportedly has no personal staffers left at the White House residence because they all quit citing his stench as being “much worse now than the first term.”

• Mike Johnson accidentally said on a hot mic this morning that the GOP can’t prosecute very many Biden officials at all because his Republican House members have sent so many sexually explicit text messages to just about every woman in government.

• Several of the executive orders Trump signed were reportedly rejected by the Congressional Parliamentarian for having ketchup stains on them.

• Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem has reportedly been asked to stop coming along on ICE raids because she keeps shooting family’s dogs after entering their homes.

• Trump reportedly just finished a photoshoot where he was wearing a military uniform full of medals and ribbons.

• Trump has reportedly directed Elon Musk to fire any government employees who have ever posted online that Trump smells like expired roast beef.

• New Yorkers have reportedly started leaving their bags of dog poop on the sidewalk all around Trump Tower.

• Pete Hegseth has reportedly been chewing gum a lot, which has made many anonymity-requesting Pentagon officials wondering what kind of breath he may or may not be trying to hide.

• Trump is reportedly going to threaten tariffs against the Vatican City tomorrow.

• Trump’s Secret Service codename is reportedly “Roast Beef” because that’s what his body odor smells like to the agents who have to ride in the presidential limousine with him.

• RFK Jr. reportedly brought a coyote corpse to his Senate confirmation hearing today because its body was “too good to leave behind.”

• Senator Susan Collins says Trump has learned his lesson now about making impulsive, needlessly destructive decisions after his executive order stopping all federal funding caused such chaos he was forced to rescind it.

• Trump is demanding that the tuba players who wait by the fence of the White House every day to play the Mario theme song when he walks out to his helicopter “stop immediately.”

• During RFK Jr.’s Senate confirmation hearing today, he admitted he was in Wuhan, China in the summer of 2019 looking for wild animal corpses.

• A new poll found that 63% of Americans hope Pete Hegseth will be too drunk to carry out unlawful commands from Donald Trump.

• The Drug Enforcement Administration is requesting people stop calling them to report Donald Trump Jr.’s alleged cocaine habit.

• Trump has reportedly asked RFK Jr. to tone down the tanning because orange is his color

• Three seconds after Trump declared no one should blame him or his chaotic government disruptions for the D.C. plane crash, he blamed the crash on Biden, DEI, Obama, CNN, sharks, weak water pressure, Nancy Pelosi, Meryl Streep, and windmills.

• Trump is reportedly furious with Elon Musk for convincing him to push out the head of the FAA because Musk was mad SpaceX got fined last September by the FAA for license violations, and now he’s being blamed for the plane crash.

• So many people have been peeing on the sides of Trump Tower in Manhattan since the election that there now appears to be permanent stains on it.

• The White House is suffering its first toilet clog after Trump reportedly tried to flush a report detailing how his impulsive firing of FAA staff led to 2 plane crashes in 3 days.

• The wives of six Republican senators and one cabinet secretary have reportedly now been fired in Trump’s anti-DEI purge.

• Government employees are widely refusing to take the offer from Elon Musk and Donald Trump to resign and get 8 months’ salary after Trump announced he would “definitely keep his promise to pay them this time.”

• Trump is reportedly refusing all Diet Cokes that JD Vance touches because, he says, if he were the VP he’d try to poison the President.

• A whistleblower at the White House claims that Donald Trump is watching hours of TV every day that’s actually an AI program Elon Musk created that generates fake, pro-Trump news to distract him so Musk can take over the entire government.

• Trump reportedly interrupted a wedding party tonight at Mar-a-Lago and told all the guests that the plane crashes were not his fault, and that Elon was the one who was feuding with the FAA.

• Protesters keep sneaking into Trump’s various golf courses and taking dumps in all the holes. 🥃

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