Fox News is finding it increasingly difficult to pretend Donald Trump is not facing unprecedented legal peril, but top Fox executive producers have decided on a distraction strategy of launching its annual coverage of the “War on Christmas” quite a bit earlier than usual this year.
“There’s nothing else we can think of to keep our audience of elderly lemmings distracted from Donald Trump’s absurdly obvious guilt in most of the ongoing criminal trials he’s engaged in,” said a Fox executive, who requested anonymity to both discuss the network’s internal deliberations and insult the cognitive faculties of the network’s average viewer. “It was hard enough to convince them Trump was innocent during the impeachments, January 6th, and all the Trump Organization fraud, but now hoarding classified documents and refusing to honor a subpoena to give them back? Scheming to have dozens of fake electors in multiple states submit fraudulent electoral votes to steal the election from Joe Biden? Threatening the Georgia secretary of state to find votes and rig the election there? Donald Trump is f*cked. There is no way anyone at Fox can logically or rationally defend these Jack Smith prosecutions anymore. Our viewers might be empathetically devoid, scholastically challenged addicts of hyper-partisan garbage with no critical-thinking skills, but they’re not traitors to America. Even Sean Hannity can’t spin this stuff. I doubt even Fox’s patron saint, Joseph Goebbels could spin this stuff. And Hannity, Laura Ingraham, and Jesse Watters are no Joseph Goebbels, no matter how many Nazi propaganda videos we make them watch and take notes on during our annual company retreats!”
The executive sighed before continuing.
“So distracting our viewers with endless ‘War on Christmas’ content for the next three months is our only hope. We have to do something. Anything! …Well, not anything. We can’t just start being objective, neutral arbiters of the truth, and cut out all the militantly pavlovian defenses of Republican interests. We’re already hemorrhaging viewers to OAN and Newsmax because we admitted we lied about all the rigged voting machine claims and allegations. We have to keep throwing conservative viewers the red meat they demand, or they’ll abandon us for being Woke, RINO, Never Trumpers! So starting next week we’re launching the ‘War on Christmas’ quite a bit early. We may not be able to defend Trump’s top secret document treason, but we can bury our heads in the proverbial sand and pretend Jack Smith and Fani Willis don’t exist while accusing Democrats of culturally sodomizing Santa Claus!”
The following Christmas-related segments will begin to air next Monday to keep Fox viewers angry and distracted:
What If Democrats Had Aborted Jesus? A dramatic imagining of our Founding Fathers as Muslim terrorists, featuring El Binyamin Franklin, Tamam al-Jefferson, and Ghasan Washington, the first caliph of al-Ameriqaeda
It’s A Wokeful Life: a conservative parody of “It’s A Wonderful Life,” in which the protagonist Jim Crow sees what a Critical Race Theory dystopia of equality America would be today if he hadn’t ever existed
How To Keep Your Testicles Tan Throughout The Dark Winter: a Tucker Carlson production advertising his new Tucker’s Testes 2.0 testicle tanning machines, which retail for $199.99.
Even Hitler Didn’t Blitzkrieg Christmas Like Democrats Have: a Laura Ingraham production
Globalism Vs The Messiah: a documentary alleging that George Soros’s ancestors paid Pontius Pilate to kill Jesus
Donald Trump Jr.’s Christmas Stories: Fox has agreed to give Don Jr. a weekly show on Sundays at 1am to rant about whatever comes to his head as he sniffles with glassy, red eyes that blink one time per minute
Gift Ideas From The NRA: a presentation on why AR-15s are a perfect Christmas gift for Christians to celebrate Jesus’s lamb-like mercy, love, and forgiveness to your enemies
Christmas Decorating With Melania Trump: a camera follows Melania as she grudgingly directs the placement of decorations at Mar-a-Lago while closely copying pictures of White House Christmas decor from 2009–2016, and odd moments of silence where the producers cut out the audio of all the times she mutters to herself “I f*cking hate Christmas,” “This is f***ing bullshit!” and “How the f*ck has that fat, ugly slob not died from a heart attack yet?”
A Joe Biden Christmas: an animated cartoon for kids showing Christmas morning where there are no gifts for any children because of inflation and socialism, and there’s not even any coal for the naughty children because Biden converted all our energy to solar and wind power
Advertisements for Mike Lindell’s newest MyPillow product, a pillow that shows Donald Trump’s butt bending over so that MAGA fans can brown-nose Trump even while sleeping
Thanks for your eyeballs!
—Dash MacIntyre
Follow me on Twitter at @HalfwayPost and Threads to interrupt your daily doomscrolling with Dada news, and follow me on Medium to keep up with my daily writing studio. My new poetry book, Cabaret No Stare, is available now.
Hilarious!