Free Insults For Trump’s Primary Opponents To Use
Donald Trump’s tough guy branding is dangerously dependent on his hair not getting wet in the rain. He skips out on WWII memorials and holding umbrellas over his wife’s head to protect his nasty, fake hair combed over badly from getting moist.
Donald Trump’s depraved, unquenchable thirst for gauche iconification has made him the savior for an electorally declining conservative movement absorbed in an insular zeitgeist of xenophobia and ends-justify-the-means political villainy. Or, in a simpler term, fascist.
Trump calls everything “the best,” “the worst,” and “tremendous” because he doesn’t have the cognizance to describe nuance or complexity. People who can’t explain things don’t understand them. His basic, superlative vocabulary betrays a bad case of toddler brain. He quite literally speaks at an elementary school level.
Trump’s unprecedented deal making, “easily-winnable” trade wars, and ability to keep us exhausted from all his winning did not live up to the hype of his Dunning-Kruger confidence. His 2016 campaign was a spectacular Hindenburg of lies and broken promises.
Donald Trump is the laziest president since Warren Harding, and at least Harding had the decency to admit he was in over his head and should not have ever been elected president. Trump has no such self-awareness.
Donald Trump’s Twitter was more bitchy than a teenage girl’s burn book, and he got banned for being a societal danger and national security threat.
The Trump family’s sociopathic sense of self-importance via inherited wealth from Trump’s dad and grandpa is reminiscent of why the Western world decapitated absolutist monarchs and abolished aristocracies.
Donald Trump’s foreign policy as president only made sense when you remember he’s always in desperate need of current and future liquid cash to pay off the ludicrous loans he can’t help himself from taking out from foreign banks and oligarchs because American banks have all been burned by his comically bad business sense and preposterous dishonesty. Also, his daughter and son-in-law got $2 billion from Saudi Arabia, and his golf courses are being selected for the Saudi LIV golf tour. We’re just waiting on the announcement of a Trump Tower Riyadh.
Donald Trump’s lawyers always meet with him in pairs to counteract his lies, impulsive decisions, and circumstantial memory deficiencies. Maybe this is why all his lawyers inevitably quit or have to get their own lawyers.
Donald Trump is not man enough to personally participate in firing his own underlings like Jeff Sessions, James Comey and Rex Tillerson, despite “You’re fired!” literally being his former television catchphrase. But, to be fair, Trump wasn’t actually the successful billionaire CEO of a successful company he pretended to be on the show.
Remember when Donald Trump said repeatedly he had all the best people? …Lol. Many of those “best people” from his presidential administration, from John Bolton to John Kelly, freely admit he’s a moron who has no mental capability of putting America’s national interests ahead of his own personal interests.
Donald Trump has no idea how stupid he truly is. Malignant narcissists have that issue. He didn’t even have the intellectual curiosity to read his presidential briefings after they went from daily to semi-weekly with only a couple paragraphs with his name in all of them to hold his attention for longer than ten seconds.
Donald Trump did not have to run for president, but because he’s an egomaniac he did, and fucked up everything he touched from infrastructure weeks, to repealing Obamacare, to making deals with North Korea and China, to handling a pandemic, to running for reelection. Talk about branding failure. He could have been creeping out pornstars and paying them to sign NDAs for the rest of his miserably unloved life, but instead he felt compelled to become America’s worst modern president.
One of the few statistics Donald Trump is first in presidential history is the number of former staffers who have said he’s an idiot.
Donald Trump’s main business accomplishment in life was to get so far into debt that his creditors had to give him an allowance in order to pretend to still be rich so they could profit off the Trump-branded properties for which he wildly overpaid and lost ownership of. Then no American banks would give him any more loans so he had to get most of his funding from Russians, as confirmed by his kids, which he lied about because the Trump family are all habitual liars about everything.
Donald Trump ran the government like he ran his businesses… which is why everyone in his administration leaked to the press, back-stabbed each other bad-mouthing everyone else, and wrote embarrassing tell-all memoirs when they left.
Trump lost by 3 million votes in 2016. Every time someone says “The American people elected Donald Trump” remember that that is not actually factually accurate. Then he lost his reelection by more than double that amount of votes. He’s a consecutive election loser. He also lost Republicans the House and Senate during his administration.
Donald Trump is a punching-down, sucking-up bully who acts like a little bitch when in the room with dictators.
Donald Trump is so bad at deal-making that Wharton should take back his business degree.
Donald Trump has no depth, nuance, or complexity. He doesn’t make jokes, he doesn’t laugh except at the expense of others, and he speaks as if he has never opened a thesaurus. If he wasn’t racist and never accused Obama of being a Kenyan citizen, he’d have no political career, and he’s a baby every day about how unfair his life is when people notice that he cheats in every aspect of his life, whether it’s paying contractors, being faithful to his wives, golf, or foreign election assistance.
Believing Donald Trump is an “alpha male” would be so much easier if he wasn’t a whiny crybaby about everything, but particularly about reasonable questions from female journalists.
Donald Trump’s critics called him too stupid, impulsive, and unprepared to make a deal with Kim Jong-un to end North Korea’s nuclear program, and they were right. He now ignores the failure, and claims he and Kim are lovers… which is just too weird to guess why he’d say that.
The military parade Trump tried to have on July 4th was a colossal failure and perfect Donald Trump Production™: an impulsively decided, unprofessionally planned, amateurishly implemented, needlessly expensive, social-norm destroying, narcissistic effort to hijack something meant for others and make it about himself.
There is no word in English to describe adequately what a disgrace and joke Donald Trump’s petty existence is. His hair comes closest as a sort of symbolic expression of his lunatic id.
If you don’t count all the hush money payments to porn stars and sexual assault victims, the forced nondisclosure agreements throughout his decades in business and years as president, the ceaseless lies about even trivial and unimportant details, the omnipresent black holes of litigation to avoid consequences for his rampant fraud and insurrectioning, and all the other shady stuff his lawyers including Michael Cohen and Rudy Giuliani did for him, then, yeah… Donald Trump has barely done any cover-ups at all.
Donald Trump spills out word vomit so disjointed and mentally nonlinear that it’s borderline impossible for editors to transcribe and punctuate in reproduction for their readers to try to interpret for themselves. It’s an unmistakable sign of witlessness.
Trump’s constant, compulsive need for personal validation betrays a crippling, omnipresent fear of personal inadequacy that is unbecoming of a man, let alone the Office of the Presidency of the United States of America.
His first three kids all turned out very weird, especially the one he named after himself.
Someday even snorting amphetamines won’t be enough to pump blood through Donald Trump’s arteries clogged with decades of big mac sauce to get that rich, sweet oxygen to his brain.
I look forward to watching the biopic movies coming out in a few years mocking Donald Trump’s spectacular business failures, cartoonish character traits, and village idiot presidency.
Thanks for your eyeballs!
—Dash MacIntyre
My new prose poetry book, Cabaret No Stare, is available now. If you like the themes, attitude, and humor of my satirical work, you’ll like my poetry as well!
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IN ONE WORD - TRAMP
Operation Tin Man focused on MS-13’s criminal activity in the Northern Virginia area. The operation yielded significant convictions for five MS-13 members, including a life sentence for the leader of one MS-13 clique. The investigation led to convictions for racketeering, murder, attempted murder and drug distribution.