God Says Donald Trump Was A Test, And Republicans Failed It
I recently had a conversation with God about the political issues of the day. The following is our discussion, lightly edited for clarity:
DM: Hey, God, how is everything?
GOD: Great, thanks for asking! You know, no one ever asks how I’m doing. Everyone prays to Me and tells Me about their life and their problems, but no one ever stops to think about My problems.
DM: I suppose people think You don’t have any problems because You’re God.
GOD: I have plenty of problems! The entire universe is My problem! And running everything is hard work because I’m not actually totally omnipotent, you know? I can’t just snap My fingers and make anything I want happen like so many Christians believe. If I could, I’d be the biggest psychopath in the universe, wouldn’t I be? If I could just snap My fingers and make baby cancer go away, but I don’t do it? Or immediately stop people from ever abusing dogs and puppies again? Or stop incels from shooting up elementary schools with AR-15s? Or remove all the crazy parasites like Toxoplasma gondii from Earth’s biosphere? Christians believe all kinds of crazy stuff about Me. For instance, let Me correct the record by saying that I’m definitely not all-loving. There’s eight billion humans! Why would someone ever think I love all of them? Every single one of them? Todd Phillips from Akron, Ohio? I love Todd f***ing Phillips from Akron, f***ing Ohio? Fuck Todd Phillips from Akron, Ohio! You think I loved John Wayne Gacy? I love Ted Cruz? No one loves Ted Cruz! The only omni power I have is omnipresence. I see everything. And it’s depressing. Because I see that every day My biggest followers, conservative Evangelicals, have utterly and totally failed My test of their character!
[God lit up a cigarette, took a long drag, then continued.]
GOD: Donald Trump was a moral test of ethics and character, and all the MAGA Evangelicals and Dominionist Catholics failed. They’re still failing cause they’re going to vote for him again on 2024! It has truly astonished me how gung-ho for demagogic fascism these Christians have revealed themselves to be. I even made the test easy for them by making Trump look so ridiculous with his orange-made up skin that stops at his hairline, neck and eye sockets, his fake marmot hair, his fake white teeth, and I gave him an awful used car salesman’s personality. Maybe My omniscience isn’t doing so great anymore because I thought conservatives spent the entire 90s complaining endlessly about the importance of a president’s personal conduct and behavior. These MAGA Christians have embraced a political radicalism that hungers for fascist ethno-nationalism, and daydreamed concentration camps full of migrants, refugees, and their liberal enemies. Donald Trump is literally calling half of America, the recurring majority of people who don’t vote for him, ‘vermin.’ What the f*** is that all about? For all their theatrics of self-righteousness, they sure have abandoned the Beatitudes and Jesus’s theology of lambs, turning the other cheek, and loving thy enemies. You know, Jesus said to not just love thy enemies, but to pray for them, and wash their feet, and just in total personify righteousness with generous acts and an unwavering faith in empathetic self-sacrifice no matter the harm, insults, or persecution that comes from it. Meanwhile, conservative Evangelicals have adopted a persecution complex about the dumbest s*** imaginable, and have totally forgotten the real meaning of Jesus’ crucifixion. Jesus was willingly crucified so that his life’s example would be proof there is eternal resurrection with goodness and redemptive love, but conservative Evangelicals won’t even suffer the benign inconvenience of using ‘they’ as a pronoun for people who personally ask them to. Conservative Christians today spit on the symbolism of Jesus’s love and benevolence. They blaspheme Me by crying persecution wolf over everything, from drinking Starbucks coffee cups that say ‘Happy holidays’ instead of ‘Merry Christmas’ because Starbucks also has customers who celebrate other holidays, to seeing a department store somewhere selling Black Santa Claus decorations, to seeing a gender non-conforming children’s toy of an anthropomorphized potato.
[God relit His cigarette, took another long drag, and continued.]
GOD: I’m afraid this test of Donald Trump really makes Me look stupid. Satan won’t stop gloating. I bested Satan in our bet over Job, who never lost faith in Me, but Satan won this bet massively. I knew I shouldn’t have agreed with Satan to ‘double it or nothing.’ Conservative Evangelicals made a deal with the Devil electing Donald Trump for the incredibly short-term and pyrrhic goal of getting enough pro-life justices on the Supreme Court to overturn Roe V. Wade. And look what it’s getting them. The deal is going haywire like every deal with the Devil. Republicans are beginning to lose winnable elections because of their abortion radicalism. American voters want the pro-choice compromises Roe V. Wade protected, and are even in red states beginning to pass new ballot measures and referendums to cement abortion rights that go beyond Roe V. Wade into state law. And the fact that the vehicle of installing a pro-life Supreme Court is Donald Trump — whose life has featured more deplorable conduct not only of any other president, but just about any other American too — is just rich. Conservative Evangelicals are destroying My church with the politically opportunistic belligerence of allying themselves with MAGAism! I’d come down and do miracles and crucify Myself again to show conservative Evangelicals the error of their ways, but they’d just write Me off as a libtard, and put Me in one of their concentration camps if Trump gets reelected and lets Stephen Miller compete with Heinrich Himmler’s imprisoning record. You know how many conservative Evangelicals today would have eagerly joined the Nazi Party if they were living in 1930s Germany? I do! Most of them! I hear all their thoughts! The dunces listening to Fox News, Newsmax, talk radio, and Alex Jones all day would just as easily be convinced by Goebbels! In fact, Fox News has been the most corrosive media institution in US history.
DM: So if You’re not totally omnipotent, there’s nothing you can do about Fox News, right?
GOD: Not until the afterlife. But that’s where I have some fun. Every Fox News television personality and show host goes straight to Hell, and their punishment is to watch their own programming for eternity. It’s literally the worst torture in the universe. They say solitary confinement is degrading of people’s psyches, but break-less, commercial-less Fox News content turns your brain into mush much quicker! Fox hosts’ arrogance, militant partisanship, and flawed logical reasoning is more toxic than radioactive uranium. There’s also a lot of fire and brimstone involved, but the dawning realization that everything they’ve ever said is stupid, and that they made the world a worse place with their shallow, toxic propaganda is a more torturous form of penance. I cannot wait until Sean Hannity and Tucker Carlson die, and I can see the look on their faces as they’re acquainted with the horror that is watching themselves… forever!
Thanks for your eyeballs!
—Dash MacIntyre
My prose poetry book, Cabaret No Stare, is available in print and on Kindle now. If you like the themes, attitude, and humor of my satirical work, you’ll like my poetry as well!
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youtu.be/x6xBspvwe3k Donald Trump promised to come, he and some blonde at the reception.
And do not forget how you jumped out of the pants - during the cult of the atomic bomb.