God Says Humans Aren't In His Top 10 Favorite Creations
We agree, God.
In a frank conversation with God (lightly edited for clarity), the Creator admitted that humans aren’t, biologically speaking, anything special:
“I don’t know how humans ever came to the conclusion that they are My favorite species,” said God. “I mean, Medamn, there are only 7 billion of you idiots. You know how many ants there are on Earth? How many amoebas? Hell, there are more germs inside one of you morons than all of humanity put together. And you know about tardigrades? Those little guys are the shit. Did you know tardigrades can live in the vacuum of outer space? You humans need billions of dollars in technology to go out there for ten seconds like total biological losers. I love how you all think I designed the universe specifically for you. I designed the universe specifically for tardigrades!”
God lit a cigarette and took a long drag.
“You humans are always sucking yourselves off anthropocentrically. No offense, but I was pretty drunk when I thought up Homo sapiens, and I’m not exactly proud. I totally forgot to take out the tailbone and wisdom teeth. In the vestigial department I phoned it in. And I wasn’t exactly creative to begin with. Humans have no cool features like fangs, wings, shells, blood-shooting eyeballs, stinky scent glands, dynamic bladders for depth control, echolocation, electroreception, jet propulsion, bioluminescence… nothing. I’m embarrassed to take credit. I’d love to blame humans on Moloch, or Baal, or Ashtoreth, or Adrammelech, but, nope, it was Me.”
God cracked open a Miller Lite, took a sip, and leaned back in His chair with an audible “ahh.”
“For real, though, the idea that I’m enamored with Homo sapiens is a riot. The universe is 0% human-centric. Earth isn’t even human-centric. The surface is 70% water! You’re gonna tell Me that I created poison ivy, quicksand, tsunamis, great white sharks, STDs, Australia, earthquakes, hornets, hurricanes, sinkholes, annual influenzas, and meteors because Earth is just a wonderful little crib of soft pillows, hugs, and love for humanity? Give Me a break! It’s for tardigrades!”
God took another sip of his beer.
“Did you know tardigrades can totally suspend their metabolism indefinitely to survive periods of hostile environments, and even bounce back after virtually complete dehydration? And getting frozen in liquid nitrogen? Don’t even talk to Me about humans. Ew. To be honest, I kind of lost the thread with Homo sapiens. I maybe got too drunk that night, and was just fucking around. I basically pulled up the chimpanzee design and just started deleting all the important biological defense mechanisms to see what would happen. I turned down the thick body hair, added patterned balding, shaved down the sharp teeth, and made you all awkward, skinny, bipedal freaks who get acne, and IBS, and have to wear glasses.”
God chuckled at Himself.
“Remember, I was a little wasted. So that’s why I gave you all disproportionately bigger penises and boobs. But I think you’ll agree it was pretty juvenile. Now, males are so overly competitive about penis size that self-genocide is a recurring problem. Then, for shits and giggles, I turned the brain folds up to 11, and amped up the surface area of the cerebral cortex to maximize neuron capacity. But your big brains are barely being used for anything anymore except doomscrolling on your phones and convincing yourselves you’re all depressed and living in the end times despite actually living in the most abundant, convenient, and safe society humanity has ever known. The boobs are still cool, though.”
God gave a cheeky thumbs-up.
“Usually for sexual ornamentation I just make the males of any given species real colorful and make them do funny dances to get laid, but I gave female humans such heavy mammary glands they get back problems. Intelligent design, am I right? But, yeah, that’s pretty much the origin story of Homo sapiens. It would have been a cool experiment, too, except I threw everything out of whack by choosing to make humans bipedal. Big mistake.”
God relit His cigarette, which had gone out while He was talking.
“It was a mess right off the bat when I woke up in the morning to alarms going off because the females were all dying in birth because the standing upright thing made the pelvis a mess. I jumped out of bed, and had to rush out some quick DNA coding, but I was hungover, and My head was throbbing, so the only thing I could think of in the moment was to make human babies be underdeveloped wimps so they’d be small enough to fit through the birth canal without killing their moms. That’s why humans take forever to grow up and survive on their own, and their brains aren’t finished developing until twenty-five. Frankly, it ended up being a total waste of my sapien brain innovations. Seriously, humans might be the least precocial species I ever created. It’s pathetic. And now humans are using their higher intelligence to proliferate like cancer, pollute the entire planet, and wreck everything. Look, I’m the first to admit it, Homo sapiens were botched.”
God chugged the rest of his Miller Lite.
“Even a god can’t bat .1000, you know? But you want to know the greatest home run I ever hit? Tardigrades. Now that’s a species!” 🥃
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Amen! 😂
Well I certainly agree with him on this