God Says Ted Cruz Will Lose To Colin Allred
God says He plans to intervene in the election to kick Ted Cruz out of the Senate
After seeing recent polls that suggest Senator Ted Cruz is within the polling margin of error of his Democratic opponent Colin Allred, I called God to see what He thought about Ted Cruz. The following is our phone conversation, lightly edited for clarity:
After seeing recent polls that suggest Senator Ted Cruz is within the polling margin of error of his Democratic opponent Colin Allred, I called God to see what He thought about Ted Cruz.
[The following is our phone conversation, lightly edited for clarity.]
DASH MACINTYRE: “Hey, God, is Ted Cruz the biggest asshole on planet Earth?”
GOD: “Yes. Also the entire universe. If I may brag for a moment, Ted Cruz is My favorite creation of all time. I love to watch Ted Cruz in action being a total douche. I crammed that guy so full of arrogant ignorance that I have to personally be intervening at all times to stop him from spontaneously combusting like an atom bomb of mega douchery. Wanna know a secret? The guy watches squirrel porn. Like incessantly. I’m omniscient so I know every time he goes to AcornHub and watches low quality, amateur videos of squirrels going at it. But he’s great entertainment. It’s like when you paint something you’re really proud of, and you can just stare at it and admire it for hours. Ted Cruz is a spectacular, magnificent piece of shit. In a galaxy on the other side of the universe I made a whole planet of Ted Cruzes. I didn’t supply their world with any plants or animals so they have to fight to the death and eat each other every day. And the victorious ones have to asexually birth out new Ted Cruzes out of their anuses to fight and eat the next day. But, as you can imagine, passing a Ted Cruz through another Ted Cruz’s sphincter is pretty messy business, and usually the Ted Cruz anuses tear in the birthing process, so usually father Ted Cruzes start bleeding everywhere, which attracts predator Ted Cruzes, who have evolved incredibly impressive olfactory organs that can smell blood from up to three miles away. Because baby Ted Cruzes are at such risk of predators, they must gestate pretty fully in their Ted Cruz fathers’ large intestines so that right at birth they are capable of running away. Ted Cruzes are such douches that even the baby Ted Cruzes are essentially evolved to incapacitate their fathers so that nearby predator Ted Cruzes fill up on the fathers before chasing after the babies. Nature can be so sublimely douchey, can’t it? This is my favorite planet in the entire universe. I love the Ted Cruz planet even more than Boob Planet, which is about what it sounds like. I love watching Ted Cruzes strangle each other, and bite each others’ fingers and ears off. It never gets old. It’s a majestic sight to see whole herds of feral Ted Cruzes gnawing on each others’ bones, and wearing each others’ faces as war masks, and smearing each others’ blood on their bodies as warnings, and sleeping in each others’ hollowed out bodies for warmth at night, and wearing elaborate jewelry pieces of each others’ teeth, and wearing clothes made of each others’ dried out and stretched skin, and decorating the entrances of their cave homes with each others’ skulls. What douches. I wish you could see it. Actually, you know what? You hate Ted Cruz so much I think you’ll really get a kick out of it, so I’ll show you!”
At this point, God teleported me to the planet of Ted Cruzes, and I watched millions of them fighting free-for-all battles to the death. Ted Cruz body parts and brain matter were splattered everywhere, and rivers of Ted Cruz blood flowing for millennia had carved the geography of the planet into massive, red-stained canyon systems.
Different subgroups of Ted Cruzes had evolved to take advantage of various environmental niches, with some Ted Cruzes being ferocious predators favoring the taste of fresh Ted Cruz flesh, while other meek Ted Cruzes, whose eyes had adapted to be on the sides of their head like prey to scan the horizon and flee at the first sign of danger, were merely scavengers picking at leftover Ted Cruz carcasses left behind by the bigger predator Ted Cruzes.
There were parasitic Ted Cruzes that would latch on to Ted Cruzes and suck their blood, and other Ted Cruzes only ate specific organs. One surprisingly social species of Ted Cruz lived in small groups, and sucked each other off dozens of times a day for their nutrients, as well as their social bonding. One more peculiar Ted Cruz species only liked to eat Ted Cruz hair, and would spend many hours hacking up hairballs and then re-swallowing over and over as their digestive system slowly extracted the nutrients.
Another fascinating subgroup of Ted Cruzes filled the niche dung beetles fill here on Earth walking around rolling balls of Ted Cruz dung six feet in diameter taking bites out of them every few meters. Just like there are more species of beetle than any other animal on Earth, there are more species of the dung eating Ted Cruzes than any other type of Ted Cruz.
The most technologically advanced Ted Cruzes had entered the Bone Age, and had learned to make spear and knife weapons out of sharpened Ted Cruz ribs, femurs, tibias, and fibulas. Occasionally, a particularly clever Ted Cruz would craft a primitive trebuchet with bones and rope made of Ted Cruz tendons and ligaments, and collect decapitated Ted Cruz heads to launch at unsuspecting Ted Cruzes from quite a safe distance.
The sublime douchery of it all brought a tear to my eye, and I thanked God for showing me the most majestic example of assholery in the entire universe. 🥃
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If Cruz is the biggest asshole, where does Trump, Musk, .Giuliani, Thiel, the authors of Project 2025, and the Christian Nationalists rank?