God Thinks It’s Funny The GOP Is Losing Elections Because Of Abortion
The Republican Party has been facing democratic headwinds in recent elections because of conservatives’ hardline approach to abortion rights, and God says the GOP deserves it.
The Republican Party has been facing strong electoral headwinds in recent elections because of conservatives’ hardline approach to ending as many abortion rights as bureaucratically possible in the wake of the Supreme Court’s decision to end the Roe V. Wade policy status quo, and God just held a press conference to laugh at the GOP’s confidence in what they believe He supports.
“Republicans are going to keep losing elections until they stop trying to speak for me about abortion,” God said. “They’re clueless when they talk about how I value every zygote like it’s a precious future apotheosis of human perfection. Anywhere from a quarter to a half of human pregnancies end in miscarriage. Women sometimes get pregnant, and it ends early and they never even know. In general, I can’t faithfully say death and murder bother Me much. You all do a ton of it, and I don’t ever put a stop to it. And have you seen the crazy s*** I created in the wild? I mean, watch a nature documentary! There’s nothing that gets Me going more than thousands of bears and wolves chasing down and eating thousands of baby deer and moose every day! The universe is not a very pleasant place for fetuses and newborns! Have you ever seen a mommy crab just sit there amidst all her countless hatched baby crabs just eating them one at a time as they hatch? I love that stuff!”
God chuckled.
“There’s a lot of species that have to give birth to hundreds of young at a time because the only way the species continues on genetically is if enough are born to fill up mommy or daddy’s tummy so the others have a chance to run or swim away and grow up. Why do you think I designed Hell? I love to see suffering! I’m not a benevolent deity. Though I have calmed down considerably since the Old Testament days. Creating alcohol enzymes back then really took Me down a dark path. I created one of those built-in water dispenser refrigerators for Myself up in Heaven and filled it with chardonnay. That’s why there are black holes. I don’t even know how to make them when I’m sober. But I find more of them every time I wake up after a blackout. Let’s just say I was in a rough patch for a few millennia, and got a little carried away with the sadism. It took Job several millennia to forgive me. Like, you know how many cities I’ve burned down? You know how many enemies of ancient Israel I demanded be blotted out from under Heaven? And their women murdered. And their babies murdered and even all their animals? Read up on the Amalekites. I used to abort whole tribes left and right! And remember when I aborted virtually all of humanity with the flood? A lot of pregnant women and fetuses died that day.”
God shrugged.
“I’m actually kind of embarrassed about that one. I totally botched My original Creation, didn’t I? It really bit Me in the butt in the deity club. Zeus never lets Me live it down. I mean, here I am, omniscient and omnipotent, and My first Creation goes haywire from Me programming you sapien monkeys to sin so much I eventually just had to shut it all down. I looked through the genetic code, and it was literally just one closing bracket I forgot that threw off the whole stabilization logarithm I designed to keep you all from ruining yourselves. Total rookie mistake.”
God lit a cigarette.
“But, seriously, I don’t notice any of your abortions,” God wrapped up. “I’m watching an entire universe. No offense, but there are lots of better planets than Earth. I made a planet with only puppies who never grow old. And I made a planet called Earth 2 where everyone is smart, sexy, and naked. It’s a utopia. I spend most of My time on that planet. Yeah, there I don’t let them do any abortions. But ugly, dumb Earth 1, you all can do abortions to your heart’s content. Earth 2 was made when I got sober. Earth 1 was made in the middle of My dark, chardonnay fridge days. Not My best work. So, uh, yeah, conservatives are making s*** up about Me. I don’t care. Live it up. While you still can. The next Flood is coming. You know, 2026 is not very far away. Oops. Shouldn’t have said that.”
Thanks for your eyeballs!
—Dash MacIntyre
My new prose poetry book, Cabaret No Stare, is available now. If you like the themes, attitude, and humor of my satirical work, you’ll like my poetry as well!
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