Greenland Has Banned JD Vance Until He Says Please And Thank You
And this week's other graffiti news headlines!
The Chancellor of Greenland is holding Vice President JD Vance to the standards Vance holds Ukrainians to, and cancelled JD Vance’s visit because he didn’t say please or thank you.
A total of 8 blue states are now reportedly using the portrait that Trump hates in their government buildings to troll him.
Hundreds of Greenlanders reportedly lined up to boo JD Vance before his visit got cancelled.
Trump reportedly admitted grudgingly this morning that “WhiskiLeaks” was a hilarious nickname for Pete Hegseth.
Women across D.C. are reportedly stocking up on pepper spray and other self-defense weapons in preparation for the bender Pete Hegseth is about to go after he’s forced to resign.
White House whistleblowers say Donald Trump works “like 45 minutes a day.”
Trump is furious that blue states keep putting up embarrassing portraits of him in government buildings that make him look like an ugly, out of shape, old, slob who can’t get his makeup quite right.
A truck carrying 6 porta-potties just flipped over right in front of the entrance to Mar-a-Lago spilling out toxic, excretory waste everywhere.
Trump is reportedly furious with Pete Hegseth for giving out US war plans for free because he charges top dollar for foreign oligarchs to peruse those plans in the Mar-a-Lago bathroom.
White House staffers say Trump has been raging about his bad portrait in Colorado all weekend, and it was the only thing he talked about Monday morning during a briefing on the Ukraine deal.
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly was not breathalyzed after texting top secret US war plans to a journalist.
A famously homophobic Trump staffer in Pete Hegseth’s group text suspiciously texted “yas queen,” “slay,” and “🍆🍆🍆” while the group was discussing the successful bombing of Yemen.
“The buck stops here,” Donald Trump said this morning about Pete Hegseth’s disastrous breach of national security, while taking out his wallet and pointing at the cash, “No, seriously, The Atlantic owes me for looking at that.”
Pete Hegseth is reportedly worried he should start deleting all his messages so he can hide his gross negligence from an inevitable investigation, and then claim it was a “routine phone cleaning” and not obstruction.
RED ALERT: Ketchup is reportedly on the wall at Mar-a-Lago after Donald Trump realized he had to skip golfing today to figure out messaging regarding the fallout from Pete Hegseth’s national security violations.
“I do not recall all the details of the Hegseth group chat,” say Trump cabinet officials who could pull out their phones right now and confirm some of the details.
BREAKING: Pete Hegseth could really use a drink right now.
Top security officials are demanding to know if Pete Hegseth texted Ukrainian war plans to any Signal group chats with Steve Witkoff while he was in Moscow.
A new poll following the Signalgate news found that 63% of Americans want the Black military officials Trump fired to be rehired.
Scientists have taxonomically added the new human species “Homo republicanensis” to classify Republican members of Congress who have somehow observably evolved with no backbones.
Mitch McConnell said “F*** it,” and has begun wearing his beloved turtle ties and socks. “Let them mock me!” he shouted to his bathroom mirror this morning, “I’m not ashamed of my passion for herpetoids!”
A new poll found that 86% of Americans want Pete Hegseth to start being alcohol tested three days a week. 🥃
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You and Andy Borowitz should collaborate! These are awesome.
Absolutely enjoyed this, Thank you, for the smile on my face this morning ☕ and will reStack ASAP 💯👍😂🤣