How Donald Trump Spent His Christmas Morning
6:03am — Wake up from raging symptoms of Adderall withdrawal muttering “How’s my hair?”
6:03am — Wake up from raging symptoms of Adderall withdrawal muttering “How’s my hair?” and reach for a mirror to check the condition of his implants. Scoop up all the foot-long hairs that have fallen out, and save them for his hairstylist to cement back on top of his head with a whole can of hairspray.
6:04am — Ring the bell for his live-in servant Lindsey Graham to come bring him his first Diet Coke of the day, and his breakfast of a KFC bucket of chicken intended for a family of four. Drizzle ketchup all over it.
6:05 — Log into Twitter from his David Dennison account to search “Donald Trump,” and see what people are saying about him. Ask Lindsey what’s taking him so long to crush up his first daily line of Adderall.
6:06 — Get filled with rage that #TrumpSmells is trending for the third day in a row. Throw his plate against the wall, smearing ketchup against the wall.
6:09 — Reply to every Christmas post by Joe Biden and the White House with “Remember the time Biden fell off his bike? Donald Trump never falls off his bike! Trump’s the most fit president of all time, except maybe Lincoln, but he’d totally beat Lincoln if he biked against him!”
6:09 — Tell Lindsey to write down on a post-it note to invite Nick Fuentes and his Nazi friends to another dinner to get back at all the liberals mocking him for smelling like shit. Lindsey pretends to write it down, but hopes Trump will forget.
6:11 — Start crafting a Truth Social post about how the Constitution is “Woke” and “socialist” and should be torn up, he deserves to be able to run for a third term in 2028 because of how mistreated he was with Biden stealing the 2020 election from him, and the rumors that he smells bad are both “fake news” and classified so the leakers should be shot.
6:13 — Yell at Lindsey to turn on Fox News.
6:14 — Calm down a little after seeing Fox & Friends discussing how Trump saved Christmas from Barack Obama’s attempted conversion of America to Islam. Softly masturbate under the sheets.
6:18 — Get a text from Eric saying “Merry Christmas, Dad, I love you!” that totally kills boner. Yell at Lindsey that his Diet Coke can is 2/3rds gone, but he doesn’t have another Diet Coke yet on his bedside table. Think about texting Eric with an insult, but decide to leave him on “read.”
6:25 — Lindsey returns with a new Diet Coke. Chug the rest of the first one, open the second one. Lindsey asks what he got his family for Christmas this year. Tell Lindsey he gave Don Jr. and Eric promotions at the Trump Organization as Co-Chief Financial Officers so they can have the amazing privilege of signing all his tax documents from now on and taking all legal liability for the bank and tax fraud, he gave Barron and Tiffany each a signed portrait of himself, he gave Melania a gift card to a plastic surgeon, and he gave Ivanka a gift card for a boudoir photoshoot.
6:26 — Give Lindsey his Christmas present of a homemade certificate that can be redeemed for making Ted Cruz do any one thing, no matter how disgusting or illegal.
6:28 — Call the designer for his NFTs, and leave a long voicemail explaining his ideas for the next batch of trading cards, including a series of himself being depicted as various Biblical figures like Jesus, Noah, and Lot with two scantily clad Ivanka-looking daughters getting him drunk to sleep with him.
6:32 — Call Melania, but she doesn’t pick up. Ask Lindsey if he thinks the facts that Melania hasn’t been to Mar-a-Lago in two years, and never responds to his texts means she has left him.
6:35 — Tell Lindsey about the weird dream he had while sleeping about three Christmas ghosts visiting him, and taking him on a journey through various times in his life starting with his father calling him a “regrettable loser” at age 6; then to various moments in the 80s and 90s when he refused to pay his businesses’ contractors, their companies went bankrupt, and their families had sad Christmases with few gifts and meager meals for their children; then to several moments when he berated, slapped, and insulted Donald Jr. and Eric just like his dad did to him; then to his own future funeral in 2027 at which no one was in attendance, not even Ivanka, and he screamed when he saw marked on his gravestone, “Here lies the worst President of all time, who got indicted in 2024, had small baby hands, and everyone could tell all along his hair was fake.”
6:41 — Ring the Diet Coke bell again, and yell at Lindsey to change the channel from Fox to Newsmax.
7:01 — Start caking on his orange foundation makeup.
7:09 — Use a whole can of hairspray to mold his hair into place.
7:15 — Snort a second line of Adderall.
7:14 — Change into golfing clothes.
7:18 — Hide six golf balls in his diaper for cheating.
7:19 — Ring the Diet Coke bell, and yell to Lindsey that he’ll take the next can “to go.”
7:21 — Walk through Mar-a-Lago. Pass by Barron, but mistake him for an employee and say, “Boy, what are these ketchup stains from yesterday still doing on the wall? If they’re still here when I get back from golfing, you’re fired from my staff!”
7:45 — Get to the golf course, say hello to Rudy Giuliani who is wasted already off Scotch and passed out on the green with his hand in his pants. Meet up with his golfing partner Tucker Carlson.
7:50 — Take first golf shot that goes wide. Yell out “mulligan.” Hit new shot that isn’t much better, then get into golf cart to drive right up to the hole.
7:52—Look around to see if anyone is looking, and then take a ball out from his diaper and drop it next to the hole. Hit it in, tell Tucker Carlson he always finishes rounds of golf under par, and once even beat Tiger Woods when they played together.
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