How Donald Trump Will Spend Christmas Morning
6:03am — Wake up from raging symptoms of Adderall withdrawal muttering “How’s my hair?”
6:03am — Wake up from raging symptoms of Adderall withdrawal muttering “How’s my hair?” and reach for a mirror to see how many of his implants slipped out from his scalp while sleeping.
6:04am — Ring the bell for Lindsey Graham to come bring him his first Diet Coke.
6:05 — Log into Twitter from his David Dennison account to search “Donald Trump,” and see what people are saying about him. Start drinking the Diet Coke while Lindsey crushes up a line of Adderall.
6:06 — Reply to tweets by the White House’s Twitter account with “Remember the time Biden fell off his bike? Donald Trump never falls off his bike! Trump’s the most fit president of all time, except maybe Lincoln, but he’d totally beat Lincoln if he biked against him!”
6:09 — Get filled with rage that everyone is still mocking the NFT trading cards. Snort the Adderall line. Tell Lindsey to write him a post-it note about having another dinner with Nazis to get back at all the liberals who are saying his NFTs are a giant scam. Lindsey pretends to write it down, but hopes Trump will forget.
6:11 — Start crafting a Truth Social post about the Constitution being the worst trade deal America has ever signed, and how it should be torn up.
6:13 — Yell at Lindsey for not turning on Fox News yet.
6:14 — Calm down a little after seeing Fox & Friends discussing how Trump was the greatest president for Christmas in history.
6:21 — Delete Truth draft about tearing up the Constitution, draft new Truth about how Joe Biden has made being Christian illegal, and post it. Watch more Fox & Friends praise. Softly masturbate under the sheets.
6:24 — Get a text from Eric saying “Merry Christmas, Dad, I love you!” that totally kills boner. Yell at Lindsey that his Diet Coke is 2/3rds gone, but he doesn’t have another Diet Coke yet on his bedside table. Think about texting Eric with an insult, but decide to leave him on “read.”
6:25 — Lindsey returns with a new Diet Coke. Chug the rest of the first one, open the second one. Lindsey asks what he got his family for Christmas this year. Tell Lindsey he gave Don Jr. and Eric promotions at the Trump Organization as Co-Chief Financial Officers so they can have the amazing privilege of signing all his tax documents from now on, he gave Barron and Tiffany each a signed portrait of himself, he gave Melania a gift card to a plastic surgeon, and he gave Ivanka a gift card for a boudoir photoshoot.
6:26 — Give Lindsey his Christmas present of a homemade certificate that can be redeemed for making Ted Cruz do any one thing, no matter how disgusting or illegal, Lindsey wants in exchange for Trump’s endorsing Ted in his next election.
6:28 — Call the designer for his NFTs, and leave a long voicemail explaining his ideas for the next batch of trading cards, including a series of himself being depicted as various Biblical figures like Jesus, Noah, and Lot with two scantily clad Ivanka-looking daughters.
6:34 — Call Melania, but she doesn’t pick up. Ask Lindsey if he thinks the facts that Melania hasn’t been to Mar-a-Lago in two years, and never responds to his texts means she left him.
6:35 — Tell Lindsey about the weird dream he had while sleeping about three ghosts visiting him, and taking him on a journey through various times in his life starting with his father calling him a “regrettable loser” at age 6; then to various moments in the 80s and 90s when he refused to pay his businesses’ contractors, their companies went bankrupt, and their families had sad Christmases with few gifts for their children; then to several moments when he berated, slapped, and insulted Donald Jr. and Eric just like his dad did to him; then to his own future funeral in 2027, at which no one was in attendance, not even Ivanka, and he screamed when he saw marked on his gravestone, “Here lies the worst President of all time, who got indicted in 2023, had small baby hands, and everyone could tell all along his hair was fake.”
6:38 — Lindsey asks if he wants to buy a big turkey for someone, to which he says, “That’s a great idea, let’s send Ron DeSantis a big turkey as a peace offering and apology for calling him ‘Ron DeSanctimonious,’ but fill the turkey with poison!”
6:39 — Call Stephen Miller and tell him he has a job for him, and explain the turkey idea. Stephen Miller asks if he can kill the turkey himself, to which Trump says he doesn’t care how the turkey dies. Hang up after Stephen asks if he can call dibs on Ron’s corpse.
6:41 — Ring the Diet Coke bell again, and change the channel from Fox to Newsmax.
7:01 — Start putting on orange foundation makeup.
7:09 — Use a whole can of hairspray to mold his hair into place.
7:13 — Snort a second line of Adderall.
7:14 — Change into golfing clothes.
7:18 — Hide nine golfballs in his underwear for cheating.
7:19 — Ring the Diet Coke bell, and yell to Lindsey that he’ll take the next can “to go.”
7:21 — Walk through Mar-a-Lago. Pass by Barron, but mistake him for an employee and say, “Boy, what is this ketchup stain doing on the wall still? If it’s still here when I get back from golfing, you’re fired!”
7:45 — Get to the golf course, say hello to Nick Fuentes, and ask him if he has ever seen a golf course more beautiful. Take first golf shot that goes wide. Yell out “mulligan.” Hit new shot that isn’t much better, then get into golf cart to drive right up to the hole.
7:47 — Take a ball out from his underwear and drop it next to the hole. Hit it in, tell Fuentes he’s always finishes rounds of golf under par, and once even beat Tiger Woods.
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—Dash MacIntyre
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