Insane Texts Have Already Been Found On Alex Jones’s Phone
Alex Jones's phone is going to be the gift that keeps on giving.
In his trial against the Sandy Hook families, Alex Jones’s lawyer accidentally gave the opposing lawyer the entirety of the contents of Jones’s phone, and didn’t follow up on retracting or protecting any of the data.
Now the phone, a treasure trove of insanity and possible criminal evidence in other crimes—including the January 6th insurrection coup attempt—is available for other law enforcement subpoenas.
It will take quite some time to comb through all the phone’s contents, but these are the early nuggets found so far in his texts:
To Eric Trump: “Can I get in on some of your charity fraud? These Sandy Hook lawsuits are ruining me financially. Maybe I should switch my focus from kids in school shootings to kids with cancer. Give me a ring!”
To Roger Stone: “You vet your orgies, right? I don’t want any Reptilian shapeshifters shooting their demon semen loads into my eyes. I have enough STDs already, I’m not trying to get some extra-terrestrial chlamydia on top of all the others!”
To Rudy Giuliani: “Hey Rudy, if you’re trying to get your hair to grow back, don’t do that hair dye crap. I have some supplements on InfoWars.com that are guaranteed to reverse hair loss. But definitely read the side-effects first. The chemicals it uses are banned in most of Europe.”
To Donald Trump: “Hey, before you go to North Korea to meet with Kim Jong Un, I can teach you some karate moves. They all know it over there. Better to be safe than sorry. I once took on 50 Koreans by myself who Hillary and the United Nations paid to make me disappear. The trick is to get naked and rub baby oil all over yourself so they can’t grab you.”
To Bill Barr: “Can you investigate my bitch ex-wife to get her off my back? These alimony payments are killing me because her lawyers really wrecked me. I think they’re gay and upset that I found out about their gay frog experiments with the chemtrails. Their Gay Mafia paid off the judge to f*ck me. I’m paying alimony for kids I don’t even get to see. Can you believe my bitch ex-wife called me mentally unstable? Me! Mentally unstable! I’m not even sure they’re my kids. They might be government false flag plants. My ex-wife is a total globalist. Wait, are you Jewish?”
To Donald Trump Jr.: “Hey bro, really loved your convention speech. Talk about passion the way you spoke so fast, and your eyes were bright red and glassy. Can you hook me up with your guy that gets you that stuff? Whatever you were on, I want a lot of it!”
To Ivanka Trump: “Just went to the gym today. Benched two Jareds (250).”
To Roger Stone: “It’s cool, we can talk about the January 6th coup with this number. I guarantee no enemy lawyers will ever get ahold of this phone!”
To Donald Trump: “I have a list of enemies I want to take out. If you pardon me afterwards, I’ll add Pence to that list.”
To Mitch McConnell: “If you impeach Trump, I will eat you for breakfast, Turtle Man!!! Who is paying you to betray America? Is it the Jewish Mafia or the Gay Mafia?? I’m on to you and your little impeachment plot! I will f*ck you up, and all your Reptilian friends! You can’t brainwash me with your fluoride water! I recycle my piss through purifiers for all my drinking water so you can’t control me! I will end you!!!!!
To Mitch McConnell two hours later: “Are you Republicans going to be doing any oversight on these PPP loans? I’m trying to buy a Sherman tank from WWII, and I don’t want these grubby Sandy Hook lawyers to find out about the shell companies I hide all my money in.”
To Matt Gaetz: “Bro, no invite??”
To himself: “Congress spy novel has too many sex scenes with Pelosi… get it down to single-digits.”
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Thanks for your eyeball attention!
-Dash MacIntyre
Follow me on Twitter at @HalfwayPost to interrupt your daily doomscrolling with graffiti news and Dada humor, and follow me on Medium to keep up with my daily writing studio.
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