ISIS Wants To Hire Free Agent Mike Pence To Turn The Organization Around
The terror group ISIS has in recent months faced sharp losses in territory, troops, funding, and leadership, but the terror group’s head of hiring, Mohammed al-Qaurzai, is optimistic he can recruit a new Caliph to turn things around.
Al-Quarzai reportedly compiled a list of potential candidates for caliph that ISIS is considering offering signing bonuses, and has raised some eyebrows because at the top of his list is former US Vice President Mike Pence.
“I know, I know, ‘Death to America’ and all that,” explained Quarzai, “but we here at ISIS really need to start thinking outside the box. We’re hemorrhaging staff from daily drone strikes, our money is frozen in international bank accounts, and I think it’s time for an outside-hire to shake things up throughout the organization. It’s no secret that we’ve been huge fans of Mike Pence for years, and he’s a free agent now. He may not be a radical Sunni Muslim, but his brand of Christianity is really not that different when you think about it. Is Pence afraid of free, strong, independent women? Check. Personally threatened for some reason by public displays of homosexuality? Check. Confident the end times are imminent? Check. Prays several times a day? Check. All he has to do is position himself a few degrees southeast toward Mecca and you won’t even notice he’s an infidel! We might as well already be calling him Muhammad al-Pence! I tell you what, if ISIS was filled with soldiers half as committed to their beliefs as Mike Pence is to his, we wouldn’t be in the dire straits we currently find ourselves. Pence is a devoted fundamentalist even without the motivating promise of seventy-two virgins! And he showed great courage when the Trump lovers went jihad on him on January 6th. I wish I could hire a hundred Mike Pences!”
Al-Quarzai told The Halfway Post that ISIS was prepared to offer Pence anything he wanted in order to convince him to switch religions.
“We’ll match the salary and benefits he used to get, and throw in as many camels as he wants. We’ll give him his own office cave. We’ll look the other way if he wants to eat a pork chop every once in a while when he’s missing home. We’ll give his wife a full harem of helpers. We’ll promise to keep Indiana off-limits for all our terror activities. Whatever healthcare he’s getting, we’ll give him even better! The best doctors we can abduct and hold for ransom will monitor his health day and night! Let me say this directly to Mr. al-Pence himself: name your price, and ISIS will meet it!” 🥃
☕ Enjoy my comedy and political commentary? Buy me a coffee!
But first subscribe to my Substack The Halfway Café to get my work right to your inbox, and consider becoming a paid member so you can help me write full-time!
Check out my Linktree for all my digital branches, but definitely follow The Halfway Post on Twitter, Threads, or Bluesky to interrupt your daily political doomscrolling with my Dada News.
If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published the book for you: “Satire In The Trump Years: The Best Of The Halfway Post,” available on Barnes & Noble and Amazon. I also have two poetry books full of Millennial existentialism, Cabaret No Stare and Moon Goon available in print and on Kindle.
Browse my comedy portfolio, my Dada News portfolio, and my poetry portfolio.
Oh my Goodness 😱 I had no idea ISIS were Christian ?! LoL Good read this morning ☕ and will reStack ASAP 💯👍