Joe Biden Is Now Doing Trump Impressions At Press Events
President Joe Biden just held the White House press conference that he had previously tweeted, “You won’t want to miss it,” and it did not disappoint.
Biden walked to the Briefing Room podium with bright orange makeup on his face, a bright, yellow-blonde wig, an oversized tie, and a pillow in his shirt.
As Biden walked, he mimicked that weird leaning forward thing Trump does where his body leans forward from the waist at an almost 45-degree angle. Biden was also wearing conspicuously large shoe lifts.
Biden then announced that all the reporters present would have to sign a nondisclosure agreement, and if they leaked any of the information he was about to tell them, he’d sue them each personally for $5 billion.
Biden then apologized for his low energy, took out a B-12 vitamin pretending it was an Adderall pill and crushed it on the podium, arranged it into a line, snorted it, and screamed out, “Woo! Build the wall! Build the wall!”
The audience of reporters chuckled.
“Sorry, folks, I shouldn’t pretend to use non-prescribed medications,” Biden said somberly, but then reached into podium and pulled out a can of Diet Coke. “So, instead, folks, just drink one of these every twenty-eight minutes like I, Donald Trump, do!”
Biden opened the can and chugged it. Then Biden’s phone began to ring, and he picked it up.
“Vladdy, what’s up my man?” Biden asked imitating Trump’s voice. “Hey, I’m gonna need your army of hackers to help out with the whole J.D. Vance couch-f***ing thing, thanks buddy. … Yeah, my polls are cratering. And who knew Kamala Harris would be so popular all of a sudden? She’s getting all the ratings! It’s unfair and rigged! I might need a new campaign manager… No, I can’t make Paul Manafort campaign manager again, it’ll be too obvious we’re doing blatant collusion again!” Biden then dropped the imitation, and said, “I’m just kidding around, folks, just doing a little malarkey. Actually, I got one more Trump impression. Do you want to hear it?”
The reporters enthusiastically cheered, and clapped their hands.
“COVID’s coming back,” Biden said in Trump’s voice again, “So you’re gonna have to get out your funnels again, and pour Drano down your butthole, and inject the UV wands up your butt. The Christians, they don’t like the butt stuff, but it cures COVID 100%. The Christians think Jesus was against the butt stuff. But Jesus was into prostitutes. So, in that way I’m just like Jesus. Mary Magdalene was the Stormy Daniels of her day. So me and Jesus are so alike. But, back to COVID, don’t listen to Fauci or all the other doctors: listen to me, Donald Trump, famous game show host. No one knows more about medicine than me. So do what I say, and blast your colon with UV rays, and keep your money in the stock market! Grandma and grandpa had big, long, beautiful lives, but we can’t let the stock prices go down!”
Biden then dropped the impression again, and said, “You know, folks, COVID is why we can’t have Donald Trump in the White House again. Trump cannot be trusted to lead in an emergency. And he left this country a mess. COVID was raging, crime and murder were way up, and he tried to snuff out our democracy on January 6th. Remember when I got elected, and all the chaos Trump just can’t help himself but cause calmed down? Remember when I appointed normal, professional people to my cabinet, and you don’t even know most of their names because they’re not lunatics and corrupt jerks? Remember how relaxing it has been these four years where sometimes whole weeks could go by where regular folks could focus on their families and jobs and lives, and not be sucked into endless political drama of the president attacking actresses and athletes, and threatening wars against North Korea and Iran, and calling for the military to shoot Americans for protesting under the First Amendment’s freedom of speech? Does America really want to return to Trump’s chaos? No way.”
Biden then took off his wig, removed the pillow from his shirt which he tucked back in, and took a wet wipe from the podium to wipe off his makeup.
As he cleaned his face he said, “And this J.D. Vance guy sure is a weird dude, isn’t he? I mean, people are talking, you know? A lot of people are saying he puts his pecker into couch cushions. And that he does Twitter searches for dolphins humping women. People are saying he’s a huge creep. But he thinks childless women are the weird ones. You know, I’m starting to think this Kamala Harris lady might win by an unexpectedly big margin!”
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Joe Biden for much of his career been buttoned up. A loose cannon with the careful, thoughtful, brilliant Barack Obama.
Perhaps the funniest political zap was during a Democratic primary. Rudy was running. Joe Biden during a debate said: all Rudy has is a noun, a verb&9/11.
Also about this Trump/GOP possible coup attempt?? It’s very different this time. Joe Biden will have no hesitation in calling in the national guard, or any other resources necessary.
As far as I’m concerned Biden can say whatever the F he wants.
I wish this had happened during their debate.