Kevin McCarthy Is Promising Insane Things To Earn Speaker Votes
Can Kevin McCarthy be elected as Speaker of the House? Only if he gives in to the Freedom Caucus’s kooky demands.
Thanks to Republicans’ surprisingly narrow majority in the House of Representatives, aspiring Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy is struggling to get all the votes he needs to be elected.
Some of the most MAGA members of the House are threatening to withhold their votes unless McCarthy promises them favors, and these are the wildest ones:
Lauren Boebert — Wants to be able to bring guns into Congress, and wants McCarthy to get her an honorary college degree from his alma matter, California State University.
Marjorie Taylor Greene — Wants McCarthy to vow he’ll fund a Lewis & Clark style expedition through the Pacific Northwest to find and bring back her Bigfoot half-brother.
Herb Williams — Wants to be able to wear his Ku Klux Klan outfit on the House floor.
Louie Gohmert — Wants to be the chairman of a newly created House subcommittee on Female Anatomical Truths because he’s sick and tired of hearing women claim that they have a clitoris, a G-Spot, brains equal in size to men’s brains, a hypothalamus, a pelvic floor, and that they’re capable of having orgasms.
Morgan Cline — Wants the House to install “gay-dar detectors” next to all the metal detectors at the Capitol’s entrances so he knows how many gays are coming in every day.
Matt Gaetz — Wants the House to pass a bill lowering the age of consent to 16, and some ecstasy pills.
Clay Higgins — Wants to become the chairman of a new subcommittee “focusing on foreign policy with regard to the Mole People.”
Jim Jordan — Wants the House to lower the statute of limitations on whatever crimes are involved in hearing about sex abuse on your wrestling team and then trying to sweep it under the rug.
Thomas Duncan — Wants the Friday “casual day” dress code at the House to include wearing no pants, because that’s casual for him.
Paul Gosar — Wants the House to pass a resolution on day one of the new Congress officially declaring that Hitler and the Nazis had “some good ideas.”
Karen Trechus — Wants gift cards to Applebees for when she dines there and they don’t comp her food after she complains about every dish even though she ate almost everything.
Madison Posey — Wants the House to mandate the Smithsonian Museums put figurines of Jesus riding all the dinosaur fossils to promote Creationism and Jesus.
Ralph West — Wants McCarthy to have the House Sergeant at Arms arrest his ex-wife and imprison her in a room in the basement of Congress for reporting him under his state’s red flag law, and getting his AR-15 confiscated by the police.
Bob Harris — Wants something for free in the men’s bathroom since women get free tampons.
Richard Drowning — Wants McCarthy to let him put a couple hidden cameras in the women’s bathroom.
Andy Biggs — Wants McCarthy to pass a bill to send to the Senate that would hire unemployed veterans to stand guard in the bedrooms of gay people to ensure they don’t have any gay sex.
Chip Norman — Wants McCarthy to somehow stop Hillary Clinton from doing magical witch spells on him that make him have wet dreams about her twice a week.
Elise Stefanik — Wants McCarthy to gift her a sword with which she has vowed someday she will literally backstab him with for the Speakership.
Albert Schweizer — Wants McCarthy to get him an invite to one of Senator Chuck Grassley’s infamous coke orgies.
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