Kevin McCarthy’s Secret Agreement To Become Speaker Was Just Revealed
Before becoming Speaker of the House, Kevin McCarthy agreed to a secret 3-page addendum to the official House rules in order to earn the votes of the House’s most MAGA members in the Freedom Caucus, including Lauren Boebert and Matt Gaetz.
Eyewitnesses claim the Freedom Caucus members forced McCarthy to eat the document to dispose of the evidence as soon as they agreed on its terms. Gaetz later bragged about the fact that he had jerked off onto the document before starting the crowd’s chanting that made McCarthy eat it.
However, one moderate Republican, who requested anonymity, leaked some of the rules he remembers reading on the list because the Freedom Caucus members’ ongoing threat of a government shutdown has offended him and disgusted him over how much McCarthy has let the “radical MAGA nutjobs” walk all over him.
The following are as many of the secret, agreed upon conditions to McCarthy’s Speakership that the representative remembers:
The House ethics committee will be entirely shut down because, as one member explained, “the ethics committee are a bunch of socialist, boy scouts who keep asking too many questions about why so many GOP Congressional super PAC donations are in Russian Rubles.
The House Committee on National Security will designate the IRS as a “State Sponsor of Terrorism” for terrifying billionaires.
Lauren Boebert will be allowed to bring dates into the House gallery to watch official proceedings, and the C-SPAN cameras are not allowed to film her giving them handies.
Republicans will authorize funding for 87,000 auditors over the next ten years to police against food stamp auditors.
The House will vote to allow every Supreme Court justice to get matched with one patron “Big Brother” or “Big Sister” billionaire
Republicans will get their own food line in Congress where the chefs ignore all the FDA’s regulations on food sanitation, preparation, storage, and service to prove that the totally free market is best.
The House will change the tax code so that all trips by members to Mar-a-Lago or other Trump properties are tax-exempt.
House members will collectively come up with 365 ideas for reasons to impeach Joe Biden and put them in a hat, and every morning they’ll pick one and vote on it, after first formally apologizing to Donald Trump for his two impeachments.
Matt Gaetz gets to spit in Kevin McCarthy’s food or coffee at any moment of his choosing.
There will be an unofficial, annual “Bring-Your-Mistress-To-Work Day” so “family values” representatives can show off for their mistresses.
The Congressional investigation into the GOP’s coke orgies will be immediately defunded and shut down.
A sign will be placed on the House’s men’s bathroom featuring Senator Josh Hawley’s face on it with a caption that says “No masturbating allowed inside.”
House voting can now be done with paper ballots, and members can shoot a hole in the “Yea” or “Nay” box with a gun to show off their support for the Second Amendment.
The House will try to force the US to default on its debts because, as Rep. Sally Moerthe explained, “Donald Trump never paid his debts, and his career turned out great for everyone!”
Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene can get back to conducting 6-hour tours of the Capitol for members of the Proud Boys, 3%-ers, and Oath Keepers.
The House will allow messaging votes on legalizing polygamy, child marriage, and banning women from being able to own property or take out bank loans without written permission from their husbands (or fathers if the women are unmarried).
Matt Gaetz will be allowed to visit and speak at local D.C. high schools again.
The House will hold impeachment hearings on Barack Obama, even though he’s not in office anymore, and Hillary Clinton, even though she was never president.
Lauren Boebert can vape.
The government’s Internet firewalls will start allowing pornography to be viewed on Representatives’ computers to “own the libs.”
The House will vote to remove all statues of Harriet Tubman across the country because she was a thief who stole citizens’ private property.
The House will debate a national ban of the following Disney characters for allegedly grooming children: Bambi, Ursula, Pumbaa, Mulan, the 7 Dwarfs, and Tinkerbell. Lumiére is on probation because it’s unclear whether he’s gay or just European.
The House will hire “young, sexy, Latin pool boys” for the Congressional swimming pool.
The House will give a $500,000 grant to Steve Bannon for his “Doomsday Vault of Caucasian Semen.”
Ronny Jackson will be named the House’s COVID Czar, and adopt his COVID-prevention health guide that suggests drinking 6 alcoholic drinks every day will keep COVID from infecting you.
Rudy Giuliani will no longer be allowed to come into the House of Representatives during working hours, sit in a bathroom stall, and try to conduct lobbying deals by promising, “I know a guy who can make both of us a lot of money on this one.” And the suspicious hole he put in the stall wall at about waist-level that he claims is “just for talking business” will be fixed at Rudy’s expense.
Marjorie Taylor Greene will get funding to lead an expedition into the Pacific Northwest and find her Sasquatch half-brother.
Matt Gaetz can go back to showing other House members on the House floor sexts he has saved on his phone.
Congressional Republicans can bring expired eggs to the floor to throw at Kevin McCarthy if, at any time of their choosing, they think he deserves it.
The day before Juneteenth will also be made into a federal holiday called “Thank You, White People, For Freeing The Slaves Day.”
All ethics rules on sexually harassing female Congressional staffers will have a strict “5-strikes and you’re out” policy.
The House will reimburse all expenditures for ammunition that House members use in their campaign videos where they shoot various objects that have “socialism,” “science,” “Bidenomics,” “Nancy Pelosi,” or “vaccines” written on them.
The House will spend $1 billion on testicle tanning machines for the military due to the repeated recommendations of Tucker Carlson that they increase testosterone and masculinity.
The House will vote to allow free tours of Congress to anyone and everyone on January 6th of every year.
Thanks for your eyeballs!
—Dash MacIntyre
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