Kevin McCarthy’s Secret Agreement To Become Speaker Just Leaked
Before becoming Speaker of the House, Kevin McCarthy agreed to a secret 3-page addendum to the official House rules in order to earn the votes of the House’s most MAGA members in the Freedom Caucus, including Lauren Boebert and Matt Gaetz.
Eyewitnesses claim the Freedom Caucus members forced McCarthy to eat the document to dispose of the evidence as soon as they agreed on its terms. Gaetz later bragged about the fact that he had jerked off onto the document before starting the crowd’s chanting that made McCarthy eat it.
However, one moderate Republican, who requested anonymity, leaked some of the rules he remembers from the list because the Freedom Caucus members’ subterfuge of regular Congressional order infuriates him:
The House Ethics Committee will be shut down because, as one member phrased it, “The Ethics Committee is made up of a bunch of socialist, boy scouts who keep asking too many questions about why so many of the GOP’s super PAC donations are in Russian Rubles and Saudi Riyals.
The House Committee on National Security will designate the IRS as a “State Sponsor of Terrorism” for terrifying billionaires, and put all IRS agents on the no-fly list.
Republicans will authorize funding for 1,000 new welfare auditors over the next ten years to police against people using food stamps to buy name-brand foods.
C-SPAN cameras cannot zoom in on Lauren Boebert while she’s sitting in the House gallery with dates in case she wants to get a little handsy.
The House will formally recommend new ethics rules for Supreme Court justices that authorize the GOP’s “Big Brother/Big Sister” program where each conservative justice is matched with a “Big” billionaire who buys them real estate and takes them on monthly yacht and private plane vacations.
Jim Jordan’s district will be redrawn to be even more gerrymandered than it already ludicrously is.
Congressional Republicans will get their own cafeteria where the chefs ignore all the FDA’s regulations on food sanitation, preparation, storage, and service to prove that cutting all health and safety regulations will make food taste better and be safer thanks to freedom.
The 2024 budget will include a tax loophole that makes all trips to Mar-a-Lago or any other Trump properties by any member of Congress tax-exempt.
House members will collectively come up with 365 ideas for reasons to impeach Joe Biden, and then they’ll put them in a hat and every morning pick one and vote on it.
The House will formally apologize to Donald Trump for his two impeachments.
The government’s Internet firewalls will start allowing gay pornography to be viewed on GOP Representatives’ computers that they can watch it “ironically” to “own the libs.”
There will be an unofficial, annual “Bring-Your-Mistress-To-Work Day” so “family values” representatives can show off for their mistresses.
Matt Gaetz gets to spit in Mike Jones’s food, coffee, or open mouth at any moment of his choosing.
The Congressional investigation into Chuck Grassley’s Friday GOP coke orgies inside his “f*ck dungeon” will be immediately defunded and shut down.
The House will try to force the US to default on its debts because, as Rep. Sally Moerthe explained, “Donald Trump never paid his debts, and his career turned out great for everyone!”
The House will allow messaging votes on legalizing polygamy, legalizing child marriage, and banning women from being able to own property or take out bank loans without written permission from their husbands or fathers even though the Democratic Senate won’t pass them.
The House will hold impeachment hearings on Barack Obama, even though he’s not in office anymore, and Hillary Clinton, even though she was never president.
Lauren Boebert can vape anywhere inside.
Signs will be placed on all Congressional bathrooms that feature Senator Josh Hawley’s frowning face on it with a caption that says “NO MASTURBATING ALLOWED INSIDE.”
The House will vote to ban the Postal Service from issuing stamps featuring Harriet Tubman, Rosa Parks, and Martin Luther King Jr. because “Racism is over.”
The House will debate a national ban on the following Disney characters for allegedly grooming children to do drag or be gay: Ursula (drag), Mulan (drag), Lefou (gay), the 7 Dwarfs (gay), and Tinkerbell (lesbian). Lumiére is on probation because it’s unclear whether he’s gay or just European.
The House will hire “young, Latin pool boys” for the Congressional gym recommended by Jerry Falwell.
The House will fund a $500,000 grant to Steve Bannon for his “Doomsday Vault of Caucasian Semen.”
Rudy Giuliani will no longer be allowed to come into the House of Representatives during working hours, sit in a bathroom stall, and try to conduct lobbying deals by promising, “I know a guy who can make both of us a lot of money on this one,” and the suspicious hole he drilled into the stall wall at about waist-level that he claims is “just for talking business” will be fixed at Rudy’s expense.
Marjorie Taylor Greene will get funding to lead a modern Lewis & Clark style expedition into the Pacific Northwest to find and bring back a Sasquatch.
Matt Gaetz can go back to showing other members sexts saved on his phone on the House floor.
The day before Juneteenth will also be made into a federal holiday called “Thank You, White People, For Freeing The Slaves Day.”
A new ethics rule about sexually harassing female Congressional staffers will be relaxed from zero tolerance to a “5-strikes-and-you’re-out” policy.
The House will reimburse all expenditures for ammunition that House members use in their campaign videos where they shoot various objects that have the words “socialism,” “communism,” “science,” “Bidenomics,” “Nancy Pelosi,” or “vaccines” written on them.
The House will spend $1 billion on testicle tanning machines for the military due to the repeated recommendations of Tucker Carlson that they increase testosterone, masculinity, and “alpha male energy.”
The House will begin allowing free public tours of Congress on January 6th of every year.
Lauren Boebert can start bringing a gun onto the House floor.
All Freedom Caucus members get to kick Kevin McCarthy in the testicles every first Tuesday of the month.
The House will show off Hunter Biden’s dick pics on C-SPAN on day one.
The House will institute a new rule that all members have to say “merry Christmas,” and, if they say “happy holidays,” they will be fined $100.
The House will start hosting monthly tours of the Capitol for Proud Boys and Oath Keepers.
Every morning the House will formally apologize to billionaires and corporations for taxing them.
The bathroom signs that say “Employees must wash their hands” will all be removed for being an “infringement on Constitutional rights.”
All paintings of Jesus in any House member’s office must all depict Jesus as caucasian.
Democrats must take random drug tests to see if they have any adrenochrome in their system from ritualistically murdering kidnapped children in sacrifice to their pagan gods.
QAnon will be invited to give a speech on the House floor.
Matt Gaetz can hire interns and staffers who are seniors in high school.
Immunity will be granted to House members in all future abortion laws.
The first order of House business every day must be an out-loud reading of the Second Amendment, and the second order of House business every day must be an impeachment vote against Joe Biden.
A “Special Committee Against Wokeism” will be formed consisting of Elon Musk, Kanye West, Alex Jones, Tucker Carlson, Donald Trump Jr., Aaron Rodgers, Andrew Tate, and Nick Fuentes.
The House will issue a formal resolution reaffirming that the first rule of the GOP coke orgies is “You do not talk about the GOP coke orgies.”
Lobbyist campaign donation checks can be passed out on the floor following votes again.
The House will bring up a vote allowing international campaign donations in presidential elections, but only from the following nations: Russia, Israel, and Saudi Arabia.
Vladimir Putin will be invited to address the House and criticize NATO.
Substack
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