Kevin McCarthy admitted he can’t show off his 3-page addendum to the official House rules in this 118th Congress because several of them “may or may not be illegal.”
Eyewitnesses claim McCarthy ate the document as soon as he and the Freedom Caucus members agreed on its terms.
However, one anonymous moderate Republican leaked some of the rules he saw after being offended at how much McCarthy let the radical Freedom Caucus members walk all over him:
The House ethics committee will be entirely shut down because, as one member explained, “The Party of Lincoln can be trusted to do the right thing.”
The House Committee on National Security will designate the IRS as a “State Sponsor of Terrorism” for terrifying billionaires.
Republicans will authorize funding for 87,000 auditors to police against food stamp auditors.
There will be an annual “bring-your-mistress-to-work” day so representatives can show off for their side pieces.
Republicans will get their own food line in Congress where the chefs ignore 50% of regulations regarding food sanitation, preparation, storage, and serving to “own the libs.”
House members will collectively come up with 365 ideas for reasons to impeach Joe Biden and put them in a hat, and every morning they’ll pick one and vote on it, after first formally apologizing to Donald Trump for his two impeachments.
Matt Gaetz gets to spit in Kevin McCarthy’s food or coffee at any moment of his choosing.
All House voting will now be done with paper ballots, and members must shoot a hole in the “Yea” or “Nay” box with a gun.
The House is totally committed to forcing the US to default on its debts. “Donald Trump never paid his debts,” explained Rep. Sally Moerthe, “and his career turned out great for everyone!”
The House will allow messaging votes on legalizing polygamy, child marriage, and banning women from being able to own property or take out bank loans without written permission from their husbands, fathers, or nephews above age 15.
Congressional Republicans can bring expired eggs to the floor to throw at Kevin McCarthy if, at any time of their choosing, they think he deserves it.
The House will hold impeachment hearings on Barack Obama even though he’s not in office anymore.
The House will vote to remove all statues of Harriet Tubman across the country because she was a thief who stole citizens’ private property.
The House will debate a national ban of the following Disney characters for allegedly grooming children into being “sodomites”: Bambi, Ursula, Pumbaa, Mulan, the 7 Dwarfs, and Tinker Bell. Lumiére is on probation because it’s unclear whether he’s gay or just European.
The House will hire “young, sexy, Latin pool boys” for the Congressional swimming pool.
The House will give a $500,000 grant to Steve Bannon for his “Doomsday Vault of Caucasian Semen.”
Ronny Jackson will be named the House’s COVID Czar, and adopt his COVID-prevention health guide that involves drinking one alcoholic drink per hour between 11am and midnight.
The House will change the tax code so that all trips by members to Mar-a-Lago or other Trump properties are tax-exempt.
Rudy Giuliani will no longer be allowed to come into the House of Representatives during working hours, sit in a bathroom stall, and try to sell lobbying deals by promising, “I know a guy who can make both of us a lot of money on this one.” And the suspicious hole he put in the stall wall that he claims is “just for talking business” will be fixed at Rudy’s expense.
The government’s Internet firewalls will start allowing pornography to be viewed on Representatives’ computers to “own the libs.”
January 6th will be made a federal holiday for white people to make it equal after Black people got Juneteenth.
All ethics rules on sexually harassing female members and staffers will have a strict “5-strikes and you’re out” policy.
The House will pay grants to a D.C. art gallery to feature Rep. Paul Gosar’s paintings of various roadkills he found and then painted.
The House will reimburse all expenditures for ammunition that House members use in their campaign videos where they shoot various objects that have “socialism” or “science” written on them.
Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene can conduct tours of the Capitol for members of the Proud Boys, 3%ers, and Oath Keepers.
The House will spend $1 billion on testicle tanning machines for the military due to the repeated recommendations of Tucker Carlson.
Thanks for your eyeballs!
—Dash MacIntyre
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McCarthy doesn't need a "Bring your Mistress to work" day. She's already there. (ᗒ ᗨᗕ)