MAGA-Palooza Is This Weekend At Mar-A-Lago

The biggest GOP event of the summer!

Photo by Colin Lloyd on Unsplash

Here’s the lineup:

FRIDAY

11pm: Private coke orgies INVITE ONLY *Reminder: Madison Cawthorn is banned for life)

10pm: DJ Jewish Space Laser

9pm: A big bonfire dance party for attendees to bring and burn books with gay characters, Bud Light cans, anything with a rainbow on it, COVID masks, vaccination records, Nike shoes, bags of M&Ms, school textbooks, solar-powered objects, Colin Kaepernick football jerseys, Ukrainian flags, and stashed top secret documents to be provided by Donald Trump

8pm: A debate on the topic, “Did Hitler have a lot of GOOD ideas?” between Nick Fuentes (for the topic) and Tucker Carlson (also for the topic)

6pm: Roger Stone getting a tattoo of Donald Trump’s head above his back tattoo of Richard Nixon’s head

5pm: Kellyanne & The Alternative Facts

4pm: Red Hat Öyster Cult (MAGA-themed tribute band)

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SATURDAY

11pm: Private coke orgies INVITE ONLY (Theme: “God’s Not Watching”)

10pm: Lindsey Graham, Marjorie Taylor Greene and Kevin McCarthy leading a cultist blood oath of personal loyalty to God Emperor Donald Trump pouring Diet Coke on themselves to transubstantiate into his blood.

9pm: A gallows hanging of a life-size sculpture of Mike Pence, then bonfire

8pm: Don Jr. snorting lines of coke on top of a podium, and just kind of seeing what comes out of his mouth as he ceases blinking

7pm: A specially recorded message from Vladimir Putin on how smart, masculine, and patriotic America’s conservative men are to stock up on guns and ammo and start a second American civil war

6pm: Matt Gaetz’ Teen Trumpettes, a high school cheerleading group he sponsors that also sing songs of Donald Trump being a benevolent father figure for the nation in front of a 25-foot Maoist style portrait of Trump

5pm: Jim Jordan conducting a wrestling lesson on various wrestling moves on a blowup doll with a picture of Adam Schiff’s face taped to it

4pm: “Make-Your-Own-Robes Craft Hour” hosted by the northern Florida branch of the Ku Klux Klan

3pm: Marjorie Taylor Greene teaching wilderness survival skills she learned while hunting for Bigfoot from 2002–2007 to train MAGA fans how to live in the wilderness for when The Storm arrives and conservatives must group up in rural, remote locations to begin their guerrilla war against the Biden regime

2pm: A coloring contest judged by anti-trans activist Matt Walsh with the theme “What Is A Man Or Woman?” for kids to color in graphic pictures of either a vagina or a penis, with the penis picture allegedly featuring his own.

1pm: The Dog Whistle Bluegrass Band

12pm: A showing of a Stephen Miller produced documentary titled “Human Skin Furniture Of History’s Most Deranged Rulers” (rated NC-17)

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SUNDAY

11pm: A ceremonial burning of a 30-foot effigy of Joe Biden with general admission GOP coke orgy OPEN TO ALL (except Madison Cawthorn)

10pm: Donald Trump ranting for 90 minutes doing all his greatest hits about toilets, showers, water pressure, windmills, the fake news media, all his former national security advisers who are now saying he’s unfit to be reelected, “Ron DeSanctimonious,” the FBI, Merrick Garland, Jack Smith, Fox News for telling their viewers how serious the espionage indictment is for him, how Ivanka is no longer using the name “Trump,” and how Jared Kushner isn’t sharing any of the $2 billion he got from the Saudis

9pm: 13-Year-Old Ivanka Lookalike Competition, hosted and judged by Donald Trump

8pm: Roast of Ted Cruz, hosted by Donald Trump (and possibly a public hanging if the crowd starts chanting “Hang Ted Cruz” loud enough)

7pm: Rudy Giuliani curating and critically analyzing selected dick pics found on Hunter Biden’s laptop

6pm: TBD (Mike Lindell’s big reveal of his proof of election fraud has been postponed until next year’s MAGAPALOOZA)

5pm: A live episode of Steve Bannon’s podcast in which he interviews Mike Flynn about how to make the next coup attempt more successful

4pm: A raffle sale of various gas stoves for winners to install in their kitchens and own the libs by letting their children inhale the slowly leaking gas fumes throughout their childhoods and get asthma

3pm: A Christmas-themed photo-op for all the attendees to get their Christmas card pictures holding AR-15s taken early

2pm: A panel discussion from the editors of the The 1488 Project

1pm: A screening of Louie Gohmert’s documentary, The Clitoris Hoax

12pm: A “Blacks 4 Trump” signup drive and barbecue ($75 cash given to each attendee)

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