Maggie Haberman’s Wildest New Trump Exclusives
Take a look at some more aspects of Donald Trump's absurd personality.
Maggie Haberman works forThe New York Times, yet she refused to publish her new, significant details of Donald Trump’s immorality and presidential misconduct until she could make money off pre-sales during her press tour. Doesn’t the NYT explicitly pay her to report these kinds of things when she discovers them, in the NYT?
Haberman’s book reinforces the argument that Trump is an existential threat to American democracy, yet she’s putting personal profit above journalistic responsibility. She joins the club with Bob Woodward, Michael Wolff, John Bolton, Omarosa Manigault Newman, and Stephanie Grisham, who all could have publicly revealed their Trump criticisms prior to a book launch.
The Federalist Papers outlined how the free press is supposed to be a 4th branch of government with a constitutionally protected First Amendment right to safeguard the people from governmental abuse, but apparently Haberman feels like Alexander Hamilton, James Madison, and John Jay should have known that such a sacred duty need not apply if the press is trying to maximize the buzz of a book release — ah f*ck it, just get to the satire bits…
Maggie Haberman’s Wildest New Trump Exclusives:
Donald Trump tried to draft his son Eric into the Marines to send him to Syria to fight ISIS in 2017.
When Trump got COVID, he made Ted Cruz and Lindsey Graham let him cough in their faces so if they all died he’d have them to be his slaves in the afterlife.
Trump was catfished by the North Korean intelligence service in early 2018, and, after 3 weeks of posing as a 17-year-old aspiring supermodel, a North Korean general convinced Trump to send him several sexts of his wiener and yeti pubes.
Trump regularly pronounced “Bible” like “bibble.”
Trump didn’t know South America was a continent until he took over as president, and always assumed it referred to Mexico.
Several White House janitors have walked in on Trump masturbating in the Oval Office while watching Sean Hannity’s show and its gushing praise for him.
Trump and Stephen Miller took a dump in Michelle Obama’s vegetable garden on the night after the inauguration.
Trump regularly hinted to friends that Russia also hacked the emails of Lindsey Graham alongside Hillary Clinton, and gave Graham’s personal info to him. Trump regularly bragged to friends that Graham had some “real risqué” emails.
White House physicians had to sneak blood pressure pills into the Big Macs he ate for lunch because he refused to take them.
Trump instituted a “casual Friday” policy in the hope that Ivanka would “show more skin.”
When Melania would bake cookies for the White House staff and visiting diplomats, Trump would whisper in their ears to not eat them because Melania might be trying to poison him.
Attorney General Bill Barr talked Trump out of signing an executive order that would consider it treason to claim a US president is descended from an orangutan.
Trump had a lot of trouble understanding why Christians were against abortion because he was convinced it was Jesus in the Biblical parable who decided to cut the baby in half when two mothers were fighting over it.
Trump once told German Chancellor Angela Merkel at a G20 summit that she’d be much hotter if she lost 20 pounds.
Trump three times called the police about an intruder when he saw his Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Ben Carson sitting at the table during his Cabinet meetings.
Trumped wanted to declare war against the United Nations after delegates laughed at him, and not with him, several times during his infamous address to the UN, but the generals wouldn’t let him.
During the lunch meeting in which Mike Pence told Trump he refused to de-certify the election, Trump grabbed the Bible that Pence gifted him as an inauguration gift and thew it into the burning fireplace.
Trump was missing in action on January 6th because he had been huffing his permanent markers, and was high all day in a fume-induced daze.
Trump had the Taliban, as part of their US withdrawal deal, give Ivanka several exclusive trademarks on Ivanka-branded burqas, beheading swords, and suicide jackets.
Trump made Lindsey Graham eat three plates of lasagna, and then throw up in Ted Cruz’s open mouth in exchange for endorsing each of them in 2018.
A White House plumber found a crumpled up sheet of paper in a clogged toilet that appears to be a poem Trump wrote about himself:
No one gives me credit for my record-breaking brain,
They worry much more about giving me the blame,
But all the controversy and drama is quite needless
Because I’m really quite a stable genius.
On foreign policy I’m the Vincent Van Gogh,
Abandoning the Kurds and threatening NATO,
I’ve been smarter than the generals since I was a fetus
Because I’m really quite a stable genius.
I maybe threatened war with evil North Korea,
And asked if I could nuke Iran and its Sharia,
But I knew they’d all back down with a case of small penis
Because I’m really quite a stable genius.
I inspire incels and threaten civic violence,
I urge my fans to buck quarantine compliance,
For my voters and fans I’m bigger than Jesus
Because I’m really quite a stable genius.
To top it all off I’m a beautiful specimen,
So I can kiss and grab anyone with estrogen.
How do I know I’m America’s male Venus?
Because I’m really quite a stable genius.
MORE OF MY COMEDY!
Mike Pence Now Spends His Days Writing Musicals
“The Party Not Taken,” A Poem By Donald Trump
And a poem: Bookstore Wall Spider
Thanks for your eyeballs!
-Dash MacIntyre
Follow me on Twitter at @HalfwayPost to interrupt your daily doomscrolling with Dada news, and follow me on Medium to keep up with my daily writing studio.
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I suspect a few of these aren't actually satire. :D