Mar-A-Lago Guests Say Trump Is Giving Off "Jim Jones Vibes"

And mid-August's other Dada News headlines!

Credit: Gage Skidmore | gageskidmore.com | via Flickr (CC BY-SA 2.0)

• Donald Trump interrupted a wedding ceremony at Mar-a-Lago today and ranted for 29 minutes about how Kamala Harris’s crowds are actually a mix of holograms, green screens, mirrors, mannequins, robots with masks, paid illegal immigrants, and cardboard cutouts.

• Donald Trump reportedly just fired a staffer who asked him, “Shouldn’t you start campaigning harder instead of golfing 6 days a week?”

• Donald Trump reportedly spent all morning on the golf course today complaining about how Michael Cohen called him “Von ShitzInPants” three months ago at his trial.

• A Florida judge says the state legislature’s strict laws mean that J.D. Vance’s use of eyeliner and past exploration into drag prohibit him from entering a Florida school or library.

• RFK Jr. just revealed he was in Wuhan, China looking for roadkill in August of 2019.

• There is reportedly an ongoing civil war in the Trump campaign between staffers who tell him the truth and staffers who are creating a fantasy world of photoshopped pictures of “empty” Harris rallies, wildly inflated poll numbers, and Kim Jong Un style adoration.

• RFK Jr. and Rudy Giuliani are reportedly co-hosting a new podcast they’re about to launch where they interview people who claim they’ve been abducted by aliens.

• A new study finds that Clarence Thomas hasn’t paid for anything with his own money in over 30 years.

• RFK Jr. says he’ll endorse Donald Trump if Trump promises to let him be the head of the National Park Service and get “dibs” on all dead animals.

• Donald Trump says if Kamala Harris calls him “low energy” one more time he’s going to sue her.

• Donald Trump is accusing Kamala Harris of paying Black people to attend her campaign rallies.

• Donald Trump reportedly skipped golfing this morning so he can watch the stock market all day and claim credit if it goes up or blame Kamala Harris if it goes down.

• Donald Trump is threatening to disown his family because Melania charges $25,000 per campaign appearance and another $10,000 to bring Barron, Don Jr. convinced him to pick the worst VP candidate in modern memory, Ivanka goes by “Ivanka Kushner” now, and Eric… is Eric.

• Donald Trump is reportedly so worried about Democrats’ enthusiasm that he’s going to start campaigning two days a week instead of just one.

• Mar-a-Lago’s chefs are reportedly serving burger sliders today because Trump is “apocalyptically angry” at the enthusiasm for Harris-Walz, and having his hands look extra big holding extra small burgers is the only thing that cheers him up.

• J.D. Vance said, “I’m a normal guy,” 29 times today in three different interviews.

• Donald Trump has reportedly banned J.D. Vance from Mar-a-Lago until his likeability ratings hit at least 50%.

• Donald Trump is reportedly desperate to reverse Kamala Harris’s dramatic surge in enthusiasm, and he is in talks with several televangelists to jointly announce that his reelection will bring about Jesus’s return.

• Donald Trump says the generals all told him, “Sir, if you didn’t get bone spurs you would have advanced much higher than Tim Walz in the military.”

• Donald Trump says the one-way ticket to Moscow he bought for November 6th is just so he can take a vacation to celebrate his election victory.

• Donald Trump is reportedly telling staffers that with J.D. Vance he “picked a Jeb.”

• To cheer up Donald Trump amidst his plummeting poll numbers, Mar-a-Lago guests have started giving him 10-minute standing ovations every time he enters the lobby or dining room.

• Donald Trump has reportedly banned his son Don Jr. from all campaign strategy meetings after doing such a bad job vetting J.D. Vance.

• Donald Trump reportedly threatened his top campaign managers today that if they don’t turn around his swing state poll numbers by next weekend he’s going to fire them and bring back Rudy Giuliani.

• Donald Trump has reportedly ordered his Secret Service agents to not take Melania to a voting booth so she can’t vote against him.

• Donald Trump reportedly bought Jeffrey Epstein’s plane to ensure no one can do DNA tests on the stains.

• The FBI says Donald Trump will NOT be allowed to leave the country if he loses.

• Donald Trump claims more people attended his assassination attempt than Kennedy’s assassination.

• The Trump campaign’s hacked emails reportedly include a nude selfie of Donald Trump.

• Donald Trump is hosting the annual Mar-a-Lago golf tournament all next week, a tournament he has won 19 years in a row, for which he has always given himself a 7-foot trophy and a new life-sized portrait of himself.

• J.D. Vance is reportedly getting angry with Donald Trump for making him do all the campaigning at humiliatingly small crowds while Trump golfs every day.

• Donald Trump reportedly already owes J.D. Vance $3,000 he has promised to pay back but hasn’t.

• A large group of Democrats in Florida are raising funds to build a dozen wind turbines just offshore from Mar-a-Lago.

---

Enjoy my comedy and political commentary? Buy me a coffee!

Follow me on Twitter, Threads, Bluesky, or Spoutible to interrupt your daily doomscrolling with Dada news, and follow me here on Substack!

Also check out my book “Satire In The Trump Years: The Best Of The Halfway Post,” available on Barnes & Noble and Amazon.

Check out my poetry books Cabaret No Stare and Moon Goon available in print and on Kindle.

And Check out my podcast, Brain Milk, I do with Adrian Polk where we discuss politics, economics, history, and Millennial culture (put that baby on 1.5x speed so we sound smarter).