Mike Pompeo Is Now Using Orange Makeup Like Donald Trump
Pompeo is taking sycophancy to a whole new level.
In an act of solidarity with President Trump, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo has begun using the orange foundation that Trump favors.
“With a healthy tan glow, President Donald Trump and I made America respected around the world again,” said Pompeo in a press conference this morning. “Our totally natural faces reflected the youthful vitality and vigor of America, and no one laughed at us during the alpha-male Trump presidency like they used to laugh at us under Obama’s presidency and now Biden’s presidency. Trump and I were no beta pansy men!”
A CNN reporter then pointed out Pompeo was obviously wearing makeup.
“What makeup are you referring to?” Pompeo asked. “See, this is why we call CNN ‘fake news.’ I went golfing with the President at Mar-a-Lago yesterday, and it was sunny outside so I tanned a bit. I take offense that you would insinuate the President wears makeup. The color of the President’s face is not different than the rest of his body. In fact, when we were done golfing, we hit the showers and, while discussing totally harmless locker room talk about grabbing women from their crotches, I could see that the President’s facial skin color matched the rest of his nude body. No makeup. Also, I saw the President’s peepee, and I can 100% confirm that it’s definitely not mushroom-shaped. It is a majestic penis, and I only wish mine was half as beautiful as the former president’s penis because then it would still be more beautiful than any other man’s penis I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen many. Donald Trump’s penis trumps all of the penises I’ve ever spied upon. It’s long, girthy, and honestly it made me wish I was one of those homosexuals you hear about. That’s how spectacular the former president’s genitals are.”
Pompeo then took a notecard from his pocket, and read aloud from it.
“Also, for the record and for posterity, the former president’s hands are very big, much bigger than mine. They don’t look like tiny, little pork sausages at all. Pictures that make his fingers look short and chubby are all Chinese disinformation to make him look bad because of how much winning he was doing against them in the trade war. And the former president does not slur any of his words, ever, because his teeth are totally real, and he’s never once had a problem with them slipping out while giving speeches. And he does not have flabby man titties. The former president only weights 165 pounds, and it’s only that high because muscle weighs so much more than fat. The fake news photoshops all the videos because they hate how great Trump was for the stock market, and Trump was nowhere near the weight of William Howard Taft. Trump did not replace the White House toilet to bring back Taft’s giant tub because he was too fat for the tub Obama used, he only brought back Taft’s tub because he liked the way it looked. In fact, many White House staff members commented that when Trump was in that tub, he looked like a little baby in it. Like a toddler at the biggest. Rumors that Trump got stuck in the tub several times and needed Washington D.C. firefighters to come in and get him free with a bottle of baby oil are completely untrue. The former president does not have a morning schedule that takes two hours to shape his hair into what you see when he’s out in public. He doesn’t fix or mess with his hair at all. How you see his hair is exactly how it looks when he wakes up in the morning. And the former president’s hair is totally real. He does not dye it at all. He’s one of those rare people whose hair gets more blonde as he ages. Also, he has never done plastic surgery. Not even once. He just has superior genetics, much more superior than any of the Democrats’ genetics, that’s for sure. The former president also does not put on women’s clothes at night to practice grabbing women by the pussy on himself via his butthole to keep his women grabbing skills sharp. That’s a complete fabrication from the sub-human reporters who work at The New York Times. The dozen anonymous sources who they claim have confirmed it are all liars who should be put in jail for being rats. Also, that information is highly classified, so the leaks were illegal. It’s totally fake news, but if we find out who leaked, they will be prosecuted for breaching the terms of their very specific nondisclosure agreements as well as infringing upon our national security. Now, to all the media members listening to this press conference, go f*** yourselves.”
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-Dash MacIntyre
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