Millennial Congress Members Reveal What It’s Like To Work There
This 118th Congress has added several Millennial and Gen Z in the House of Representatives, and they’ve been surprisingly candid on social media about what it’s like to serve:
“The House floor has this weird smell for which the only way to succinctly describe it is that the whole chamber just smells old.”
“Matt Gaetz has approached all of us freshman House members and said, ‘Hey, you’re young, do you know any clever ways to get around the government firewalls on our network so we can watch porn? They keep blocking all of mine.’”
“Rudy Giuliani calls House members, like, all day. Most of them are butt-dials, but some are drunken rants about UFOs. There’s actually an unofficial rule in the House that’s honored with total bipartisanship where, anytime Rudy is drunkenly describing one of his alleged anal-probings by the aliens, the member has to put the phone on speakerphone for everyone else around to hear. I can’t decide if Rudy is telling the truth, or is just drunk. He goes off on long tangents with real gratuitous but amazingly specific details about the aliens’ various medical experiments, tools, and advanced technology. I don’t think Rudy is creative enough to just be making it all up, and it’s not like he’s writing it down ever, or publishing science-fiction books. He seems to just really enjoy the whole abduction and probing process. He calls so many members so frequently that it’s like he’s bragging about how the aliens are so interested in his anus. Like, okay, we get it, Rudy, you get probed a lot. But that’s what makes it so unbelievable. Like, really? An extremely advanced spacefaring civilization’s curiosity is piqued to borderline obsession levels with Rudy Giuliani? Look at him. His physical appearance isn’t even close to normal human proportions with such a round, squat body, and a bowling ball shaped head. Are they shocked at what a physical outlier he is? And he wants us to believe his brain, which is totally saturated with Laphroaig and Glenfiddich, is some medical marvel so spectacular these aliens have to abduct him twice a week to do scans of it? I don’t buy it for a second. But he says he’s trying to convince the aliens to let him be their lawyer. He lost all his law licenses here on Earth, so maybe that’s not a bad idea. Hopefully he doesn’t get sued as much on other planets as much as he’s been sued here on Earth.”
“I’ve been told that two different representatives in the 19th Century died at my desk.”
“The least kept secret in the House is apparently that you don’t go into the bathroom Louie Gohmert just came out of.”
“Every time I see Lauren Boebert I do an ocular pat-down to assess her current threat level. It’s just a matter of time before she really brings a gun on the House floor and starts waving it around. Some members around here refer to her as ‘Speaker of the Trailer Trash,’ but I’ve met plenty of upstanding constituents who live in trailer parks and I believe it’s wildly unfair and mean to denigrate them as supporting Boebert’s regrettable personal conduct and behavior in any way merely because of where they choose to live on account of either economic hardship or a desire for simplistic living. So I do my best to convince my colleagues that her nickname should instead just be ‘Speaker of the Trash.’ While I still think that’s potentially demeaning to trash, at least garbage is inanimate and doesn’t have feelings we can hurt by comparing it to the most militantly ignorant representative in our current session. And that’s quite an achievement in trashiness considering Marjorie Taylor Greene is also in the running.
“Tomi Lahren from Fox News is, like, always calling Democrats’ offices and leaving nasty messages and threats between midnight and five am. She doesn’t have staffers do it. She does it all personally. I don’t know when she sleeps.”
“Marjorie Taylor Greene goes way out of her way to show off pictures of herself and Trump every time she goes to Mar-a-Lago. She says he wants her as his vice president, but apparently Trump has been promising that to lots of people. He makes the MAGA members rent rooms at Mar-a-Lago for the weekend where he takes them golfing, gives them advice, and threatens them if they endorse anyone but him in the 2024 primary. He charges them like triple the going rate. And everyone has ‘Trump cheats’ stories.”
“Paul Gosar spends most of his free time drawing comics of himself as some kind of Mortal Kombat action hero character who beheads all the Democratic members of the House with various weapons. And sometimes he draws these creepy, gross pictures of roadkill and other dead animals. He colors in his pictures with crayons so furiously that sweat drips from his forehead and splatters onto his drawings.”
“In the first few weeks I got invited to three GOP coke orgies, and Chuck Grassley gave me the secret password to get into his sex dungeon.”
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