New Poll Finds 70% Of Americans Want Elon To Stop Having Kids
And this week's other graffiti news headlines!
☕️ I’m trying to be the most relentless satirist of Donald Trump, Elon Musk, and the MAGA movement on the Internet, so if you like my graffiti news comedy here’s a 50% discount on paid subscriptions to help support me, for just $2.50 a month, write full-time and tirelessly mock Trump’s fascism with comedy.
The International Eugenics Committee just formally requested Elon Musk not have any more kids.
Economists around the world have proclaimed Monday, April 7, 2025, as “Von Shitzenpants Monday.”
Trump is making his son Eric work in a factory putting screws into electronics for 8 hours a day for minimum wage to show everyone it’s not so bad if Americans do that kind of job instead of the Chinese.
A plastic surgeon just set up shop at Mar-a-Lago, and is now offering female resort members botox, boob jobs, filler, and lip injections to get the “MAGA look” that Trump loves.
Saudi Arabian officials abruptly ended Trump’s golf tournament an hour before the last round and told him to go back to D.C. and “fix this stock market collapse.”
A televangelist from Tennessee says he’s so confident God won’t let a recession happen during Trump’s presidency that, if there is one, he’ll blow a man on stage during his church service.
The Trump Administration is demanding everyone stop referring to 4/7/25 as “Orange Monday,” “Von Shitzenpants Day,” “the Trump Slump,” “the Trumpcession,” “the Dotard Downturn,” “the Mushroom Man’s Bust,” and “the Syphilitic’s Stagflation.”
A top Chinese official reacting to Trump’s new round of tariffs says China won’t negotiate with Trump “until after he changes his diaper, gets put down for a nap, buys a bra for his manboobs, and reads a book on economics.”
Despite every other stock plummeting in value, the stock value of Leopards Eating Faces Inc. is skyrocketing.
Fox News just launched its “War on Christmas” content 7 months early to distract from the imploding stock market.
Elon Musk is acting like it’s cool to have no work-life balance for some reason.
Trump staffers are reportedly worried he won’t be able to handle the near universal criticism he’s getting for crashing the US economy by choice, and he’ll go full dictator violently squashing dissent and protests rather than admit he has no idea what he’s doing.
Another insurance company is reportedly thinking about raising prices for insuring Teslas because of how many swastikas they have to keep scrubbing off.
Despite not being tariffed at all by Trump, Russia just put a new 10% tariff on the US as Putin seems to be testing Trump’s submissiveness.
A Fox News host says he lost $500,000 this morning, and it turns him on so much thinking about America’s future prosperity that he “rubbed one out on his lunch break.”
Bars across the nation are reporting record sales today following the historic stock losses of “Orange Monday.”
A plastic surgeon just set up shop at Mar-a-Lago, and is now offering female resort members botox, filler, and lip injections to get the “MAGA look” that Trump loves.
JD Vance reportedly f*cked his couch the night after Trump announced his tariffs because his 2028 presidential dreams are collapsing with the stock market so what’s the point of pretending he isn’t a sofasexual anymore?
Several Chinese operatives have reportedly canceled their Mar-a-Lago memberships, explaining that the proximity to classified secrets is not worth having to interact with so many “frightening looking women”
Trump reportedly demanded FBI Director Kash Patel to find him 5 scapegoats to blame for the stock market’s downturn.
A Fox News host says he’s so sure there will be no recession that if there is one he’ll get a tattoo of Kamala Harris on his taint.
Executives at Fox News are reportedly close to turning against Trump after collectively losing billions of dollars from his tariff chaos.
A new poll found that 70% of Americans want a news reporter to throw a water balloon at Trump during a press conference and see what happens to his hair.
America can’t have another depression because we don’t even have trains anymore for hobos to ride.
A local MAGA Internet troll reportedly didn’t drink coffee out of his “liberal tears” cup today because overnight his retirement savings lost $40,000 in the last four days.
Republican members of Congress are reportedly terrified their houses will start regularly getting egged because they’re letting Trump ruin the economy despite campaigning all last year about how the price of eggs under Biden went up $1.
One of Trump’s economic advisers says if the US economy enters a recession, “I will eat an entire copy of the Communist Manifesto.”
A local Republican reportedly can’t help but notice that the last 3 Republican presidencies have been 3 for 3 in wrecking the economy. 🥃
☕️ I’m trying to be the most relentless satirist of Donald Trump, Elon Musk, and the MAGA movement on the Internet, so if you like my graffiti news comedy here’s a 50% discount on paid subscriptions to help support me, for just $2.50 a month, write full-time and tirelessly mock Trump’s fascism with comedy.
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That horse has the left the barn and the damage is done!
I would love to see how Trump would handle a water balloon on his bald head.