New VP Ideas For Trump In Case He Decides To Hang JD Vance
Trump is famously tickled by mobs of his supporters threatening his VP
The following are Donald Trump’s personal notes for other potential vice presidents in case he needs the Proud Boys to pull a January 6th on JD Vance:
Governor Ron DeSantis
Pros:
He was second place in the GOP primary
He banned reading books in Florida, so he won’t ever tattle on me for never reading security briefings
His wife is a 10 (Check if she needs any furniture shopping to do.)
He’s so weird and awkward… I’ll look better and more normal when I’m standing next to him onstage
Cons:
He said some not so nice things about me in the primary. I wonder how much he’d grovel if I make him beg me for forgiveness. Would he willingly spend all day in the dog kennel like Ted, Lindsey, and Kevin all did? *REMINDER: Get kennel out for the next time Mike Johnson visits
He’s really obsessed with Disney — I think Freud would say he’s got a conspicuous sexual hangup over Mickey Mouse (But I’m into Ivanka, so I suppose we all have our own idiosyncrasies)
I’ll always have to check his fingers for pudding smears before I shake his hand
I mean, is he just not capable of smiling or laughing like he’s not some weird robot from an alien planet observing humans for the very first time? (He’s not a reptilian, is he? REMINDER: Text Alex Jones to stalk Ron and find out if he’s a shapeshifter)
South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem
Pros:
Good looking, straight out of Central Casting
Her South Dakota story is a nice contrast with my nepo baby Manhattan skyline story
Being former governor of South Dakota, maybe she could help get me on Mt. Rushmore (Tell her to scratch off Lincoln — I deserve it more!)
Maybe she could convince all the Sturgis motorcycle bikers to help do the next coup if I lose another election
Cons:
She’s maybe too ambitious — I don’t like ambitious women (But she’s way better than “Nasty Nikki”)
Will I have to go to South Dakota? Yuck! Does Diet Coke even deliver out there? (And she loves motorcycles… riding one would ruin my hair, likely forever!)
She has crazy eyes — they’re way too bright when I’m binging hard on my Adderall sniffies
People say she had an affair with Corey Lewandowski — major ick!
She bragged in her book about shooting a puppy, and people really seem to not like violence against puppies
Tech Bro Vivek Ramaswamy
Pros:
Creepily intense like Stephen Miller, with a fresh new take on the Nazi kind of vibe — he kind of seems, like Stephen, like he has killed someone before
He really hates the FBI, and most of the rest of the government — he’ll definitely help me pull off another January 6th unlike pussy Mike Pence… if Vivek doesn’t hang me before my people get him!
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