Noah Says He’s Sorry For Bringing Chlamydia And All The Other STDs Along On The Ark
Noah from the Bible would like to say "Sorry" for saving the following species from the Great Flood
Noah from the Bible would like to say “sorry” for saving the following species from the Great Flood:
Chlamydia: “I maybe should have drawn a line with God on bacteria, viruses, and diseases, but God wasn’t in a very conciliatory mood at the time. The Big Guy really used to rage. You think He’s a tough guy in the New Testament, you should have seen Him in the Old Testament days! And the Ark’s storage technology wasn’t very good so I had to incubate these nasty diseases myself, if you know what I mean. I had to eat some nasty, disgusting things to ingest all the parasites, and make a few weekend trips to Sodom and Gomorrah for all the venereal diseases. I did some things I am not proud of. And, let me tell you, you might think living 950 years sounds nice, but it isn’t so great when it burns every time you pee! I’d also like to apologize to my daughters. Unfortunately, the only way to get humanity going again when we landed involved a lot of incest.”
Pandas: “I always thought pandas were a pretty useless species. They’re big, dumb, only eat one kind of plant, and are bad at reproducing. Getting the pandas to bang and procreate is hard enough now in 2023 with your videotaped panda porn and state-of-the-art breeding centers, just imagine what it was like when it was just me, and I only had two of them. The artificial insemination I had to do after the Ark finally landed wasn’t so artificial, if you catch my drift.”
Australia’s eastern brown snake: “Not only is this snake awful and deadly, I had to wait forever for it to slink over from Australia. In hindsight, having just one boat for all of the species on Earth was very impractical. And when I finally found land, I didn’t know what to do so I kind of just opened the Ark’s door and let them all go wherever. God was pretty peeved with me because the marsupials apparently weren’t supposed to go to Australia. But after months of waiting for those dumbass penguins to waddle over all the way from Antarctica, and then 40 days of sailing the flood with no known destination, I was ready to quit! The only good thing about the penguins taking so long was it gave me time to figure out how to build the Ark. I was a farmer, and knew literally nothing about boats, let alone zoo-keeping or veterinarian healthcare. Fortunately, my mottos are ‘Fake it till you make it,’ and “If you can’t get out of it, get into it.”
Toxoplasma gondii: “This is that single-celled parasite that reproduces exclusively in outside cats, and causes toxoplasmosis and eventual neurological disorders in humans. Long story short, it reproduces in cats and gets passed through feces that then get picked up by just about any other mammal, but particularly thrives in mice and rats, in which the parasite gets in their brains and starts making them get sexually aroused by the smell of cat urine, so they run up to feral cats and then get eaten to continue on the toxoplasma life cycle inside the cats’ GI tract. Roughly a third of the world is unknowingly infected with it, and the anecdotal stereotypes of crazy cat lady behavior is related to this. God told me Toxoplasma gondii is His most carefully and intelligently designed organism on Earth so I had to be very careful preserving it. I’m not trying to tell God how to do His job, you know, but I think He may have gone a little overboard on all the dreadful parasites.”
Termites: “I appreciate the role termites play in nature, but I’m a little embarrassed to say that their reproduction aboard the Ark got a little out of control and they ate a hole through the side. God made me sign a nondisclosure agreement, but let’s just say a few interesting species maybe got out, drowned, and were lost forever. Oops. I feel like it wasn’t appreciated enough by God that I was literally winging it the whole time.”
Crocodiles, scorpions, sharks, box jellyfish, hornets, brown recluse spiders, hyenas, tigers, and lions: “God really should have saved some of His creationing for His New Testament days. He was in a pretty dark place for most of the Old Testament era, and it kind of shows. Wouldn’t it be nice to have more species want to cuddle us humans rather than bite us, sting us, inject us with toxins, and eat us alive? I actually had four sons, not three. One got ripped to shreds by the mama brown bear, and the Bible kind of just ignores it. God didn’t think it was necessary to give me a heads up that brown bears are psychos.”
Fossils: “Not living organisms, of course, but God gave me a mountain of bones to bring along and throw over the side of the Ark every few miles so someday they’d be dug up and fool the atheists. It seemed a little superfluous, but it’s a part of the Master Plan I suppose. Look, I’m one of the original gangsters of the Bible, but I learned three thousand years ago that no good comes from trying to make sense of anything God does or says. Think about Abraham and Isaac! What the f*** was all that about? I gotta be honest, I’m kind of team Satan. You ever tally up all the people killed by Satan and God? God’s like an NBA all-star team playing against a bunch of first graders. You know, when I went over to Sodom and Gomorrah to get all those STDs… things didn’t seem that bad. Everyone seemed to be having a good time. Way better than my post-flood life where it burns every time I peed, and I had to pretend it wasn’t weird my grandkids were all f***ing their cousins!” 🥃
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published the books for you: “Satire In The Trump Years” and “Satire In The Biden Years,” available on Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and Kobo.
I’ve also published three existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, and Hotel Golden Hours available in print and on Kindle.
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